I recently went on iTunes and discovered that I had some extra money to buy songs and promptly got "Into the Ocean" by Blue October. It's actually a depressing song if you take it literally - about someone that commits suicide by drowning himself, but it's got a great beat. Anyway, I've been jamming to it every day.
So, I really didn't want to do anything big for my birthday, and I finally decided the perfect activity ; a hike. There's one called 7 Falls around here that isn't too strenuous, but has some miniature rock climbing and stream jumping involved and is supposed to have some spectacular views. And it's outdoors and something that most people like to do. And it's a great alternative to doing something boring like going to a club, or eating at a fancy restaurant. So I'm excited. I just wonder how big a group is too big, but I figure if 10 people tell me they're coming, then 5 of them probably will, which is a perfect size.
I've finally been socializing a little and got to go out with my friend Amity last night and have a ginger mojito (mmmm) at this little tapas bar near work and then I went shopping with my new friend Bonnie today and got the cutest patent leather pumps that are good for going out as well as concert wear. Not to mention I got them at Payless for $20. Score.
Life is good, and my aunt, uncle, and cousin are coming up in two days! I'm really ready for some family time...
I saved a baby bird today. Okay, it was a pigeon and most people think that pigeons are equal to rats or something, but it was cute and helpless. I drove it to a wild animal shelter that said they would do everything they could to help it. So, voila my good deed for the day.
I had a conversation with a couple from Spain in 3 languages tonight. I'm starting to have the confidence to speak to people in public in Spanish, but man it was rough. Then they found out I spoke French and when neither of us could think of a word, we said it in English. Somehow, we still had an intelligent conversation, but my brain hurt when I left the table.
Speaking of Spanish, I talked with my Spanish roommate about Latin guys and the difference in dating in their culture. Basically she was saying that guys like to be chased. There was more substance to our discussion, but that was the bottom line. And let me just say, I'm so sick of being the one that initiates. Seriously. Can I please have someone calling me and asking me out instead of vice versa?
I'm not sure I believe in good and bad energy, but I do believe that moods get passed on from one person to another very easily and that bad feelings can be felt almost physically. I've gotten to the point with someone in my restaurant that I physically get sick being around them and we have a very tangible dislike. I've tried so hard to think positively, but it's really hard when you have so many bad feelings towards each other and a bad history to boot. As sad as I am that I won't have a steady job in a few weeks, it's almost worth it to get away from him. Awful, isn't it? I wish that things hadn't turned out that way...
I used my first Spanish pick-up line today. With much giggling.
I've been avoiding practicing recently and I'm not sure why, but I think mostly this weather has me feeling sluggish and I'm sort of in a slump since I haven't had my studio class in a few weeks due to cancellations, etc. Today was not just nice; it was hot, and almost muggy like North Carolina. I didn't even want to work out on the patio because I was sweating profusely under my long black uniform. It was too hot to go to the beach!
So I stayed in and watched Garden State instead. Now I remember why I own it - it's just such a quality movie, mainly because Natalie Portman is so awkward sometimes and profound at others and I relate to that. Or, at least I relate to the awkwardness and hope that I'm sometimes profound. Plus the characters are so deep and real and yet you don't need all kinds of background to know what they've gone through. It's just really really well-written.
My Spanish is coming along quite nicely and I've been complimented by both Alex (Colombian boy) and my roommate, Sylvia (from Seville). I mean, obviously I still talk like I'm 6 years old, but at least I can get my point across sometimes without reverting back to English. That's certainly a whole lot more than I could do when I got to California. I'm just impressed with myself for the initiation of such a task and such semi-dedication to following through with teaching myself. It certainly helps to have so many native speakers around.
Mother's Day is Sunday. I'm such a good daughter - I already got my card in the mail :) Alas, a card and a sweet note are all my Mom is going to get this year. Cheap, but heartfelt, and the beautiful thing about mothers is that love is generally all they want anyway.
I have only slept on the beach a select few times in my life, and I have to say that while each time I'm fairly miserable that night, I love the memory of such a random activity.
Last night I went out after working 7 hours at the restaurant to go salsa dancing with a girl from work and our busboy who happens to be from Columbia. Okay, let me clarify. He happens to be a hot Columbian boy that has beautiful long curly hair and a voice to die for. Lucky me. Then after leaving the club at some ungodly hour, we decided that we still weren't tired and so headed to the beach (not exactly three hours away like in NC) and stayed up talking until we fell asleep.
As an aside, my friend Amity that was the girl with us, lent me her Uggs. I'm a convert. I want some right now.
So even though I got absolutely no sleep except for the hour and a half that I got this morning in my own bed, I'm still thoroughly happy with my evening. However, I'm going to need the largest cup of coffee in the world to get me through this shift today.
For the past couple of weeks, I've had so much going on and so many big things to decide, that I've been stressed out every single day. But somehow, starting this week, I feel like I should be worried but there's nothing wrong. I have a cat on my lap, I worked all day, my car is running fine, and I can't do anything about moving at this particular moment.
I also find that I only blog when I have been drinking or am severely tired...
The former is true tonight, and it shows in my lack of posts in April that I rarely drink now. When I do, it's more like I got a free bottle of wine from work and need to drink it before it goes bad. Or I'm out celebrating.
Speaking of celebrating, May is my birthday month! I love May! May is Amy anagrammed. May is the month of Gemini and twins! May is graduation month and it's officially been a year since I've been in school. Weird... May is the beginning of summer, the end of spring, and a relaxing time. June is when things start to heat up, literally and figuratively. I've got a good feeling about May.
Oh, and I got a call from Geico today saying that my car insurance went down $100. That little gecko rocks!! It was like an early birthday present or something.
Hm, I guess that's all I have to say. My work week is just getting into full swing today and will not end until Sunday or Monday, but I've got a good schedule ahead of me. I'm hoping this month will fly by because I'm sooooo excited about being home for a week or so. I miss Charlotte and I miss Chapel Hill. I'm not sure if I'll get to visit CH, but I was just talking with my roommates about Franklin St. and Carrboro and all the great restaurants. And I watched Patch Adams last night and wanted so badly to see campus again for just a day.
Some percussionist from Cleveland friended me the other day and he knows two of my friends from high school, grew up in Raleigh, and is going to SFCM next year. Man, this world is small.
I am so excited to be moving to a new place that I can't stop thinking about it 24/7. I talk about San Francisco, I look it up online, I have planned out what restaurant I want to work in, and I am looking at beds and rooms to share on craigslist about 5 times a day. I have two more months... what is wrong with me??
The answer is that I'm so excited that i just can't contain it, but it's super frustrating when I'm not there to look at the housing or walk from block to block dropping my resume at super nice restaurants.
I got a new printer today as an early birthday gift from my parents. I'm stoked! I've been talking to it all night. Okay, not really, but I've been complimenting it on its beauty and its spectacular job of printing. Maybe I need to get out more.
My day off was amazing: got my car back from being fixed without having to pay anything, walked on the beach for an hour, bought my printer, got free Starbucks, watched a movie, and stayed up way later than I should have.
On a serious note: It just hit me how incredibly lucky I am to be going to grad school. I went to a perfect undergraduate school that was nearby and in-state and basically worry-free for me and my parents. Now I'm going to the school of my dreams and I'm still able to go. It's not like I got in and my parents said, 'Sorry, it's too expensive.' They just said, okay, we'll support you the whole way. So really I'm grateful that I get to go, but also that I have such amazing parents that have been there the whole time for me. Not everyone can say that and I'm so thankful that God has provided so much for me and given me the insight to really appreciate what I do have.
On a lighter note: Two groups on facebook that made me laugh out loud:
1.I Get Excited When My Blinkers in the Car are in Tempo with the Song I'm Listening To
2. You Know You're Screwed when the Paper Clip in Microsoft Word Starts Yawning.
Either one is keeping me up right now when I've already gone through two days of 10 hour shifts. I go to work at Ann Taylor and run around and then I get a 2 hour break and I run around the restaurant for another 6 or 7 hours. It's lots of fun.
My manager at the restaurant not only has the best memory of anyone I know, she's also incredibly perceptive. She took one look at me this afternoon and said, 'I'm sending you home early. You're exhausted.' And I was. But then one of my kind co-workers brought me an iced coffee. And I lasted 6 more hours. And now I'm sitting in bed at midnight, after furiously cleaning my room when I got home at 11:30, and I can't sleep. Oh, I'm sure it'll hit me in about 10 minutes.
And now for random musings:
-If anyone knows of any good scholarships for musicians, graduate students, or poor people, please let me know. Because I will be all three in about 4 months. Sadly, a lot of the deadlines have already passed and I've filled out so many gosh-darn applications already this year I'm dreading having to do more, plus write even more essays when I'm not even in school. But for a couple thousand dollars? I'll make myself.
-I love my new car. Except when gas is $3.33 a gallon. Then I love my car and hate California. Except I really don't hate California, just the gas prices in California. I've heard it might go up to over $4 by the summer!! eek!!!
-I ate a lot of desserts today because we had a dessert buffet at work. Now my stomach hates me and I had to repeatedly tell myself out loud that just because there were plates in the back full of sweet things, didn't mean that I had to eat them. It was quite the struggle.
I'm not currently doing laundry, but have needed to for the past week or so. Grooooosssss.
Actually, laundry is just one of the things on my long list of stuff to do in the next, oh, four months. I couldn't sleep last night until I had made a timeline for myself of everything that needs to get done before and right when I move to San Francisco. What with moving to one of the most expensive places to live, it's easy to get a little nervous. But then I look out my window, and see the gorgeous view that I have, and I realize that I've been looked after pretty well.
We all have that routine of websites that we go through every time we're online. Lately, I've been going to www.sfcm.edu every five minutes. Well, that's an exaggeration, but you should take a look at where I'm going next year! :D
Wow - it's been a long time since I've posted.
Well, I'll start with the 3 wishes game. I would wish for:
1. the ability to speak 4 languages fluently
2. stable religious beliefs that displayed themselves in the way I live my life
3. a gold flute
I've been going non-stop for the past week or so with my jobs and trying to buy a car (ah, being an adult yet again). The bottom line is that I bought a car - a really cute '97 Volvo - and then went on a Christian Science spiritual seminar weekend that has put everything in my life in perspective.
I'm being really cautious about getting on an emotional high and then falling really fast, so I'm trying to let what I learned from this weekend just make subtle changes in my life, ones that last. I was feeling so disconnected from God for the past year that being in a place with people that not only love God a lot, but they're incredibly dedicated to a religion that, to me, requires a lot of strength and conviction that I almost pushed away from them too. I might not have stood up and told everyone what good the conference had done for me, but I did it in my own way and I think that each person has a different way of reacting to spiritual growth. My journey is just beginning again and I'm not ready to share it with the world - haha except for my blog I guess.
In conclusion: good weekend, have a car (need car insurance), must practice a lot, still haven't gotten acceptance letter (what is taking so long???? did they change their mind??), and generally feeling good about life despite the stress I should be feeling.
A plus, Later, and Hasta luego.
Echoing Megan....
I have something big to celebrate.
I got into my dream school, the San Francisco Conservatory. I just found out this afternoon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's all I really can say about the whole thing. It's just now setting in that something that I've worked for for two years has actually come true. And I'll be living in San Francisco. How much cooler can life get right now?
I'm tired, elated, amazed at how much makeup costs (I shopped at MAC between my 15 hour work day), and completely awe-struck at the huge thing that has just happened to me. More later.
Wow, it's amazing what a few hours to myself will do to clear up a bad mood. I was on the verge of a breakdown yesterday and have been crying every day for a solid week and was about to be pushed over the edge, but I got off work, modeled for a photo shoot, won a contest, ate out, and took a bath. Then I finished off a pint of ice cream. It was probably the best few hours that I've had in quite a while.
Today everything is going sooo much better and I'm excited about all the new stuff we have at AT that I can buy for concert wear. I figure this stuff that I'm getting now will last me a long time. And black can be worn anywhere...
I gave the car away yesterday and am fortunately borrowing my roommate's or I would be going crazy. Life is going on and there are a lot of decisions to be made, but I'm just taking it one hour at a time now.
I found out a couple of days ago that my restaurant is closing down in May and I'm not sure where I'm gonna go from there or when I'm going to need to search for a new job - I'd like to stay until the final day, but three jobs at once would be quite a lot to handle. However, there's a really really nice French restaurant called Bouchon that I feel would be perfect for me. French customers? No problem! I'll just bust out the rusty second language! I would be in seventh heaven.
Well, not all of life's problems are solved. But, I've started reading a book called Eat, Love, Pray by Elisabeth Gibson and it's really really good. In fact, I want her life. Or something close to it. Without all of the divorce and love affairs. Okay, so really I just want to travel like she does in the book.
I just went and spent a load of money on clothes at Ann Taylor because I have a discount there and somehow that makes it okay to buy more than I normally would... which is just lousy reasoning, but there you have it. Plus, I had a birthday party to go to tonight. That's two good reasons. bah- whatever.
It is getting warmer here in California and soon I will have to make big adult decisions like do I want to buy or lease a car and which insurance company do I want to go with. I also just got a credit card (with Ann Taylor) and it's been hard to keep myself from just swiping that little piece of plastic. Fortunately, I think I've been trained well enough to only spend what I have or what I know I will have when the bill comes.
I really need to go practice.
Today the gloominess of the weather is reflecting how I feel about this month and how dazed I feel.
Two random events have taken the lives of two other people that I am somehow connected to.
The first, Chiara Levin, was a girl that I studied abroad in France with just two years ago. She was stunningly beautiful and had it all going for her. She was trilingual and could be friends with anybody. I wasn't close to her, but there were many in my group that were. She was in Boston visiting family and friends and was caught in the cross-fire of gang-related violence. She was in the most dangerous part of town and with two guy friends as well as two that she had just met that night. Stupid, to put yourself in that situation? Sure. But do we all do it at one time or another? Of course. We never think that the outcome will be sudden death.
The second is Jason Ray, the guy that sported the costume of Ramses for UNC basketball games. I didn't know him, but I saw him around campus and in Intervarsity, and again know people that knew him quite well. Hit off the side of the highway. Freak accident. And who knows when it can happen again?
Both of these young people's families are devastated and will have their lives altered forever. And they were both my age. Sorta puts a whole new perspective on life and the people that I care about. I'm protected now from feeling the misery that their friends must feel, but for how long? And is it useful to even wonder about things like this, or do I praise God that I am living and dwell on that fact instead?
All of this, plus still dealing with Ross being gone has put me in a very introspective, gloomy mood. And that no one picks up the phone any more so I don't have anyone to talk to about it.
... is pretty much all I'm feeling this week.
Issues with my car haven't been resolved, but I found one really nice place that is willing to do some stuff without much money involved.
I've heard from both USC and San Fran. and have been placed on both of their wait lists. I shouldn't despair, because a wait list is infinitely better than an outright rejection, but geez couldn't I get an acceptance letter for once in my life???!? Seriously. I honestly don't think that's too much to ask, but apparently it is.
USC I don't really think will pan out and SF I'll just have to wait and see. I'm #1 on San Fran's list and anything could happen, in addition to nothing. Sooooo basically, there isn't any end to the waiting until July, theoretically.
I have to keep reminding myself that I have an excellent option here, I could get paid to go to school, and that there are worse places to live than Santa Barbara. But that doesn't help the initial pang of hurt I feel when I feel like I've been rejected for the second time, only this time I'm so close that everyone thinks I almost could have gotten in. Almost is so much worse than straight out rejection, and yet so completely helpful in reaffirming the fact that I do belong in the world of music despite how much I've had to struggle. I swing intermittenly between deep feelings of shattered pride and intense hope that all is not lost and that I still have a lot to offer.
Well, I haven't heard from my last school, but I honestly didn't think it went well, so I'm not expecting much. Oh Eastman, why must you always be my last hope??
Despite the fact that I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning (let me say, that is the earliest I've had to get up in a looooong time), I can't sleep. Wow, I just realized the song I'm listening to is "Sleeping In" by the Postal Service.
Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in...
How depressingly ironic.
I think I just have a lot on my mind, so I thought I would use this as a dumping spot. Blogs seem to be much less of a focus among me and my friends recently, so this is merely a way for me to vent, I suppose.
Random thoughts in no particular order:
- I just got word from my top choice school, San Francisco Conservatory that I'm 1st on the waiting list. To be 4th out of 50-some people is an achievement and I'm super happy that it's not an outright rejection. However, I'm so close that it's almost worse. Now I have to be in more suspense because you never know who's going to accept the spot and who's not. But, I'm next should one of the three decide not to go there! I'm pulled in all directions patience, impatience, contentment, and disappointment. But honestly, everything's so up in the air that the bad feelings don't last long and it's usually the patience and contentment that win out.
- I have to work from 8 to 12 tomorrow in the morning. Then I have the whole day free. It's gonna be really weird. Oh, and this whole two job thing is getting old quickly.
- I'm super stressed about giving my car back in two weeks and getting estimates to get the dent I made in it fixed. Anything in Cali is expensive, and cars even more so, and that's what worries me. I'm getting a full check-up done on it tomorrow, so at least I have one good point going for me before they get back. Plus, I'm of course going to get a car wash and clean it all out. Still, the dent and the fact that I have no idea what I'm going to do once I give it back on April 1 are gnawing at me. Living here almost requires the use of a car, despite all of the walking that I've been doing recently.
- I just finished A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and loved it. Now I'm steadily working on Mansfield Park and am slightly depressed at how similar Fanny and I seem to be in several respects. Although I'm nowhere near as self-conscious or shy as she. But I'm definitely involved in the story after days of reading one or two chapters and managed to read about 150 pages in one sitting and tore myself away only because I thought I was tired. Now I'm holding off because I want something to do when I'm waiting for my car tomorrow.
- I've become that 'guy' that watches the television in our bar at work every five minutes to check up on the basketball game. In fact, I was worse than most of the guys that I work with. With this whole having a bracket thing, I've become helplessly competitive against both myself and the world of Facebook. I'm actually doing pretty well, if I do say so myself. I haven't lost hope that my boys will make it to the championship, but I am completely bummed that I'm working the night that they play USC and since the west coast is behind, it's prime dinner time when they start playing. boooooo.
So I have been wrestling with the decision of what to do next year if I don't get into any grad schools and finally felt like I made the right one.
I had made the choice yesterday and told my teacher today that I want to stay in Santa Barbara and go to UCSB if I get all rejections. Well, that's when she told me that I would get a full ride plus a stipend. Hello?!!??!! This is a win-win situation.
Stipend= getting paid to go to school. How ridiculously awesome is that?
I felt so great before I even told her and I felt a million times better than that after our talk. Santa Barbara and I have made peace with each other. As much as it's a small town, I can deal with that because of all the other great opportunities I would have. So basically, I'm excited about the next two years no matter what. What a relief.
Too bad I have my car to worry about now. I banged it up in November and now the owners are coming back April 1st and are freaked out about the damage. So I have to go hunt up some body shops and get some estimates on getting it fixed. Being in California basically means automatically upping the price because of the cost of living. So an oil change turns into a full check-up, etc. I'm not too happy about it, but it is my fault that I backed into a security gate. Don't laugh, it's actually a very reasonable story. And I was helping my roommates move something heavy! Good intentions, right?!?
I got a second job to start saving money, but for some reason that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon.
As an aside, my competitiveness is getting a full workout. This whole basketball bracket thing is consuming me. And I was about to pick Duke as losing, too!! Gr, I had to have some faith in them to get past the first round, but noooo. I think I couldn't care less about all the other teams besides UNC if I didn't have a bracket set up.
Today actually felt like Saturday. In the life of a waitress and musician, the days usually all blur together and any day off is the weekend. Today I had the day off of both jobs and had so much fun getting everything done that I needed to.
I got my hair dyed and cut yesterday and ended up paying wayyyy more than I expected, but it looks cute and my teacher gave me a couple free lessons, so I think it all evens out. I just won't be going back any time soon - I hope with this color I won't have to worry about roots. I've been trying to think of a way to describe it and the best I can come up with is that it's the color of cherry wood. If you've ever seen wood from the cherry tree, it's like a dark brown with red hints. That's what my hair looks like.
My gift certificate to Borders was harder to spend than I thought because - wouldn't you know it - this time when I went in, nothing jumped out at me right away. That's the funny thing about having money to spend. When you don't have it, you think of all the ways you could spend it, but when you do, you have trouble remembering everything that you wanted. Anyway, I very wisely settled on Mansfield Park and The Virgin Blue by Tracy Chevalier that a friend recommended. I'm back into my book juggling and I'm excited about it. Right now I have those two plus A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and Atlas Shrugged. I might need to finish one soon because that's a lot even for me.
The past two days have been much better for me, emotionally. The only thing that's hard right now is that I have to tell my teacher Jill whether I want to study at UCSB should I not get in anywhere else. It's actually a huge dilemma for me and it comes down to whether I want to go to a second-rate school just because I really really want this career in music or whether I take ultimate rejection (hypothetically) as a sign that there's more in life that I should be doing. Really tough decision and scary since if I chose the second, I would have no idea what to do with my life. I know, I know, welcome to the real world of post-college graduates.
Listening to James Taylor is probably the only comforting thing right now. I'm really feeling the distance between me and anyone that I really care about. Today was a day that I just needed to hang out with someone one-on-one and do nothing. Probably not even talk, and if that was necessary, it would need to be nonsense stuff.
I went to work, yoga, and then out to dinner with my friend Hilary and some of her friends. I have nothing in common with them and felt more alone as a result. Then I got home and my roommates are either gone or in foul moods. I could have just used some chill out time.
For some reason, I'm pushing my parents away, probably because I think I'm a big girl and can handle tough stuff, but all I really want to do is be home or have a close friend nearby.
I found out from UT-Austin today and didn't get in. It was the nicest rejection that I've ever gotten and the teacher wrote me a personal note and she sounded genuinely sorry that she didn't accept me, but it doesn't change the fact.
I need to snap out of this because I think I'm letting myself get sucked into some sort of 'people should feel sorry for me' depression when I just need to be celebrating life. The grad school thing doesn't help though.
The bright part of the day was that I got a very late Christmas present (ahem, Megan) from my mom's friend - a gift certificate to Borders!!!! Tomorrow I'm going to spend hours browsing in there and Ann Taylor, to 'get to know my merchandise' aka go shopping.
Well this blog is my outlet of emotions, good or bad and tonight it definitely is tough for me.
Most of you know about my friend Ross from California that I came out to visit for a spring break during college. Well, his parents emailed me to tell me that he took his life recently.
I've never had news hit me so hard and have never cried so much for a person that I've only seen a total of about 8 days face-to-face.
This is rough for me for so many reasons. When I first met him, we had an amazing connection and we both discussed about a year later that had we not lived on opposite sides of the US, we probably would have dated. We had so much in common and never ran out of things to talk about. One of my favorite memories is walking around Boston with him until 2 or 3 in the morning, getting lost and not really caring because the company was so great. Ross was one of those people that I had a really good online relationship with - you know the people that you rarely talk to in real life, but who you keep in touch with through AIM and have meaningful conversations with despite (or because of) a lack of a phone. It's always been easier for me to express myself in writing and I love the ability to change my mind about saying something once it's already been typed out. But I digress.
When I came out to Santa Barbara, I was psyched that I would be so near where he was going to school and was eager to find out if we had the same connection. When I visited him, I found a changed person. Apparently, he was struggling with a lot of things in life. I felt so helpless, especially since he seemed so intent on pushing me away because I reminded him of a time that he now regarded as a time when he wasn't really himself. We parted and he made it pretty clear that he just needed to work things out on his own - so I wrote him a letter saying that I didn't want to just end our friendship there and that I would be there if he ever needed to talk.
We weren't that close, and there's no use blaming myself, but I can't shake the feeling that there's something else I could have done.
Every time I say it out loud, it just hits me fresh in the face.
Well, I know many people don't read this, but for anyone that is reading it, sorry for the heavy stuff. It helps so much to just write it, to make it more real and to get some of my feelings out there.
A few memories that I will never forget:
The beanie/tobogan that he crocheted for me
Making pizza and having really really sticky dough
Going to my first drive-in movie
Getting lost in Boston
R.I.P Ross Crabill
I am the newest employee at our local Ann Taylor LOFT.
When I was thinking about a second job, I realized that there was no way I hated myself enough to get a second waitressing position and couldn't think of anything that would be flexible enough to fit with my current restaurant job. And then, eureka! Why not work at a store that I'm already a walking bulletin board for and get paid to shop there for quite the discount?!
Honestly, nothing can be worse than Williams-Sonoma retail. There I had to know every tiny detail about every single product. I think I could do a much better job there now that I've been living on my own for a while... I'm really appreciative of nice pots and pans (or the lack thereof).
Plus, as I told my new manager (who happens to be one year older than I), I love to sort. I feel like working in a clothing store is just that - making sure stuff goes back where it started and putting stuff on racks that go together. It can't be that hard, can it?
I guess I'll find out.
wow. it's been way too long since I last posted. there's no way that I can cover everything that has occured in the past week. I'll see if I can use bullet points...
- saw the fam in San Francisco, had an amazing Indian celebration dinner, had a good audition, would be totally psyched to go there.
- saw Jennifer Smith in Rochester, met the boyfriend, I give approval.
- Eastman audition - eh. I won't be surprised if I get a rejection letter. Honestly, there's probably only one opening and the teacher didn't seem that thrilled by my playing.
- saw snow for the first time this winter! it even snowed when I was there, which was fun.
- plane trips were fairly uneventful until yesterday and then I had a huge baggage fiasco which I don't care to go into in detail. Let's just say that USAirways got quite a lengthy complaint email from me.
- drove up from LA this morning just in time to see UNC crush Duke for one of the last (or the last) games of the regular season. I've never actually joined a tournament pool before and am curious to see how I will do on Facebook.
- i have an interview tomorrow for my potential second job. I really don't see any reason why they wouldn't hire me.
- it's good to be home - I'm looking forward to having somewhat of a normal schedule this week.
- I'm starting yoga and a much healthier eating regiment, as well as adding more exercise in general. To prepare myself for the day not too long in the future when I will be without a car, I'm going to walk to as many places as possible, including work whenever I know that I'll be returning in the daylight.
- A pipe broke in our house the day I left a week ago. It's just getting fixed tomorrow and I will have no water the whole day. *sigh* I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those 'you don't know what you have til it's gone' moments.
- It's March! This time next month I will be making graduate school decisions (and/or life decisions) ............. I still think worst-case scenarios and won't believe I have somewhere to go next year until I hold the letter in my hand.
Note to self: A large cup of coffee on an empty stomach when not used to caffeine is deadly. I've been feeling awful most of the day.
I had some very random dreams last night: one involved a huge worm (see MIB II that I watched a couple of days ago) eating little by little a city that was built right over the ocean. I had to keep jumping from building to building. Then I had some friends visit and two were dating that I never would have expected. It was a little freaky.
It's so funny to me that I'm living in one of the most beautiful places on the west coast and I can only stand it for a few weeks at a time. I'm so excited to be leaving on Sunday!!
I get to see my parents the whole time I'm in San Francisco, which will make my audition/vacation even more fun, and then when I go to Eastman I get to see the fabulous Jennifer Smith (and her new boyfriend - I will be playing the 'you-need-to-gain-my-approval' friend).
On a similar note, Southwest is having a sale from LA to Denver for $79 one way... what thinkest thou, oh fellow red-headed kindred spirit?
I'm applying for a second job, but I'm in the middle of interviews and I don't want to say what it is in case I jinx it... but I will be really stoked if I get it.
I've been looking at cars, just because I will need one for three out of the five schools I've applied to and would really like to own my own car. The list includes:
Toyota RAV4
Toyota Corolla
Honda Civic
Mazda 3
I either want a cute little four-door that gets good MPG and is safe and reliable, or a mini-SUV of the same criteria. My dad really is pulling for the RAV4 just because it's higher up and supposedly safer that way. Toyota is supposed to be one of the best companies out there. I was looking at Ford Focus for a while, but no one puts it on their "best" lists. Sad/ironic that the ones that are are all foreign. But Toyota and Honda have done my family well, so I'll probably carry on the tradition.
All this means that when I drive up from LA next Saturday, I'm going to go test-driving!! I've never done that before! Another item to check off the "now I'm truly a grown-up" list.
With the discovery of Double Rainbow ice cream (sold in Trader Joe's - if you have one, go out right now and buy a whole pint of whatever flavor you want) and it's pure heavenly taste, along with my obsession with French, I thought this was appropriate:
| Your Icecream Flavour is... French Vanilla! |
 You're a smooth and silky suave type! You exude class and you believe in tradition. A classical taste who doesn't like things to be too flashy or showy. Climb the Eiffel tower of taste with a spoonfull of you! Oui Oui! |
Find out at Go Quiz
This beautiful Sunday morning all I have done is finish a chick book that never fails to make me cry so that the words become blurry, watched a movie, made a breakfast scramble from scratch, and sip green tea listening to some feel-good songs on the radio.
Some days I wonder if all this sitting around is laziness and whether I've been wasting my time in California. Given, I have progressed very far in my musical studies, but I'm not the musician that spends hours upon hours in the practice room. So what have I done with all of my spare time?
But every time that I start to berate myself, I realize that life could hit me square in the face any time soon with school, a family, or a career that is just around the corner. And then I'll look back on this year as a time to really get to know myself, have time to focus on what I want out of life, and become a stronger person. I feel like I've grown so much over the past few months. I've had a lot of life experiences that I'm ashamed of, but that have made me a whole lot stronger in my convictions.
I've also found the difference between spending time with people just to be social and spending time with them because they are really quality. In college, I was so spoiled because everyone that I surrounded myself with were quality people that shared my interests and were willing to be silly, honest, and spontaneous. When you're not in a school setting, it's so much harder to find people like that and it's even harder to find time to spend with them because of conflicting work schedules and the like. But on reflection, I have found a very few people that I turn to in different moods and situations: One I can vent to and who talks with me about any life decision with honesty, one I could spend hours talking to just because we share so many similar interests and outlooks on life, and one shares my love of Carolina basketball and can share memories of our beloved Chapel Hill.
However, there is this little ache for the old times, the old friends that shows up from time to time.
I also yearn for someone to share my everyday life with. Little things like all of the amazing dishes that I'm learning to make from scratch with whatever I have in the kitchen. I feel so accomplished and want someone to revel in my cooking genius. I want to be able to share stories from work, the nice couple that gave me a sip of their wine, or the lady that complained about me for 10 minutes. I'm learning so much about myself that I'm ready to share it because I finally feel good about the decisions I make (mostly), have learned to like me and all my quirks, and am a little sick of being alone most of the time.
I honestly think I was born in the wrong time period - I needed to grow up in the 1930s or 40s when girls were getting married at 19 or 20. But then I wouldn't be able to play my flute and I probably would be a cooking, baby-making, and cleaning machine. Blech.
Today is my day off. I have never been so excited about a day since probably Christmastime.
During the past two days, I have been on my feet for 24 hours and have been at my restaurant for 22 of those hours. And the really ironic part is that out of my 4 shifts, last night was the easiest and most fun for me. I only had 4 tables in my section, which meant that I didn't have to rush around like crazy and actually got to converse with the people that were out for Valentine's Day. And everyone was super nice.
However, by the end of the night, I was so bone tired that I fell asleep instantly. Of course, the fact that I stayed up til 4 am talking and had a heavy sedative helped the situation.
So my Valentine's Day was quite pleasant - even though almost everyone that I work with has a sig. other, we all went out afterwards and just hung out together. It was a nice sense of comradeship. Honestly, it was just another day for me and I really didn't feel like I was missing out on anything.
However, I did buy the cutest earrings for the occasion. They are long, dangly, red and white hearts and they look sweet with my all black. I got compliments all night ;)
I'm still a little groggy, so I don't have anything too intelligent or thought-provoking to post right now. Hurray for days off!!
After spending you-don't-want-to-know-how-long on this website, I felt the need to post the end result:
Me posing - as an M&M - in front of an ancient Mayan ruin in Belize, the country on the top of my to-visit list. I really wish I had shoes that color.
I am officially halfway through my auditions, with what is, in my mind, the two hardest left. But I have had very encouraging signs along the way that say that I am ready for whatever I may face in the next few weeks.
In my audition today, the professor echoed what the teacher at USC said, which was, in essence 'I think you're a good player and want to say that I will take you, but I can't commit since the auditions aren't over yet.' While this may sound flakey to anyone not in the music world, this is one of the biggest signs of encouragement. She even made sure that I knew she was serious because she added that she really doesn't like to say anything to candidates, but that I had "drastically improved." From either this summer or last year's audition, I'm not sure which.
Sorry, I'm not trying to toot my own horn. Au contraire, I'm trying to pump myself up for the two schools that would probably be my top two if I had to make a list of which I want to attend. But frankly, after being told most of my music life that I have potential but that I still need a lot of work, it's nice to actually have some of my work pay off.
I'm not counting any chickens yet though.
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As my reward, I went out and saw a movie by myself. Since I had gone to the awards show that honored him at SBIFF, I figured I should go see Dreamgirls that was directed by Bill Condon. I really liked it! Very well acted, and although I understand star status, Jennifer Hudson really should have been one of the first shown in the credits instead of being listed after all the major stars with much more insignificant roles. But, she wasn't an actress before, so I understand. Wow, she totally deserves all these awards she's getting. Can anyone tell me why she's supporting actress and Beyonce is lead actress? Is it because of name recognition? But honestly, everyone did a great job. Eddie Murphy wasn't Eddie Murphy for once. In fact, I'm not sure he had a single comedic line.
Oh, and I cried at the end (well, got choked up and slightly teary which is saying a lot for me), so that's a sign of a good movie, since I'm a rock normally.
As a side note, I saw a sign in a bookstore that said:
"Don't judge a book by it's movie."
I thought that was pretty clever.
Is it just me, or do the two seem to go hand in hand a lot more often nowadays? It's like either movies are made from books that were bestsellers only the year before, or books are written based on movies. I can't walk into Borders any more without seeing a whole section called "In the Movies."
Today marked the beginning of my mini-vacation and I'm very excited about the way that it has started out .
I finishe my lunch shift and ordered a chicken caeser salad which was exactly what I wanted. You know how important that is.
Then I came home and chilled out for a couple hours and then watched the Duke UNC game that was nerve-wracking and amazing all at once. We totally dominated in the second half and our comeback was so thrilling since the one and only time I ever watched a game was one of our three losses out of 23 games. My friend and I went to a bar and grabbed a drink to celebrate.
However.
The bar that we went to is known for making the stiffest drinks in town, and folks, I'm glad I love gin. Because that's basically all that was in my drink. With a touch of tonic and some lime juice. A good 6 oz. of gin. Yeah.
Then I went to my friend, Bri's party in her room for having finally cleaned it after 6 months. It looks beautiful. I had two very stiff White Russians and we "watched" Lost and South Park and then retreated upstairs to debate everything from gossip at work, to yoga, to how we've changed from high school. It was a great night. And I met their cute (boy) roommate who happens to work as an architect and who I got to share my newfound love of The Fountainhead with.
I'm leaving for LA, then Austin tomorrow. I love to fly! I love vacation!
My bad, Apple doesn't make minis anymore. But a nano would be just as cool and it can still hold up to 2,000 songs. And I could get it in electric blue.
Today was just one of those days that, as my co-worker so succinctly put it, I wish I hadn't gotten up.
My brain was totally not in gear at any point in the day and I would constantly catch myself hanging up clothes that were dirty, driving down a street without paying attention, and staring off into space. It's like I was on auto pilot but my brain forgot to start the engine.
It started out as a so-so day. Not bad, not good.
I sounded okay (flute-wise), but not spectacular and I really couldn't convince myself to buckle down and work on something. My workout was okay, but I didn't really feel great afterwards. I went food shopping and only got necessary stuff, which is always boring. (Let me insert what an amazing store Trader Joe's is ... I got my week's worth of groceries for $13. But then again, I'm leaving town on Thursday, so that's not fabulous).
Then the day got progressively worse.
Folks, I've had two deaths in my life in the past 5 hours. Don't get too concerned, they're not people or anything.
My mom called me after work and told me that our oldest cat, Molly, had died this morning. Apparently my dad sent me an email telling me because he couldn't even get on the phone to tell me. She lived a very full life - she was 13 - and I was sort of expecting it just because she hasn't been looking great the past few times I've been home. In fact, I think I'm okay about it, but I'm really concerned about my dad. Literally this is like losing a child for him. If you've had a pet die that was like a family member, then you understand. She was so spoiled by him and could get away with anything. Add to that the fact that he's alone b/c my mom is in San Francisco and you can imagine what he's going through. I wish I could hop a plane just to be there.
The second death was tragic as well. Actually, they're on two completely different planes so I'm not even going to compare them. My iPod's hard drive crashed. This implies clicking noises and a screen with a picture of an iPod that has crosses for eyes and a tongue sticking out. I'm not kidding. There's nothing I can do b/c it's not on warranty anymore and a new hard drive would cost about half as much as a new iPod. I've been contemplating getting a mini instead since they apparently only last for 2 years anyway and I'll never be able to fill up an iPod like the one that died in 2 years. I just don't listen to that much music, but the stuff I do listen to is really important. I use that thing daily... grrrrr.
The only good parts of my day were that I got a bonus on my check that I wasn't expecting and that I made some money at work tonight and got to keep it all since I was the only one working.
I'm hoping that tomorrow will be an improvement...
I'm sooooo ready for bed. But I feel like blogging because I'm on that very fine line between awake and comotose. Well, really I blame it on the Red Bull and vodka that was my first drink of the evening/morning.
It is so easy to just walk into parties if you know the right ones to go to. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a crasher, but if I was, the one I was working at would have been perfect. Just dress in black and say that you're catering or with the caterers and BAM you're in! It worked for me... except I was with them. But man, a party with free food and apps is the place to be around 12:30 because everyone is leaving and the alcohol is flowing freely. Oh gosh, now I sound like an alcoholic. I'm at the point where I'm ready to delete my entry, but I think it will be much more entertaining this way.
I spent the night passing food, saying/yelling over and over what I was serving, and flirting with the cute boys that can afford $2000 tickets to get them into parties such as this. The VIP room was a joke or at least I didn't know any of them, but I think I saw Steven Spielberg. Not sure though.
My chef is known for drinking on the job, so when he asked me to get him two drinks, I was not surprised. I was surprised when he hands one to me and one to another girl I work with and says, Cheers. I'm starting to like this grizzly bear man more and more. He's a grizzly bear b/c he's gruff on the outside and hard to get to know, but really is just a teddy bear.
Oh gosh, I'm rambling. I think I just need to go to bed. Well, fun reading. Or deciphering. Actually, I'm typing pretty well. Good night!
I smell like Pina Coladas. Sweeet. Literally.
I am having major problems motivating myself to practice this week. I need to keep reminding myself that just because I had a good audition doesn't mean that I actually got in. Also, I just made a reservation for renting a car in Texas and will be spending an extra $80 not to mention gas down to L.A. So that's some good motivation right there - it'd be really great if I didn't spend all that money for nothing.
Instead I've been baking, cooking, getting my tax return together, and working out to avoid practicing. Oh, add to that blogging. I'm going, I'm going, but I'm not going willingly quite yet...
Well last night was probably the best night I'll have this week.
First, I got dressed to the nines and may I say, damn I looked hot. Proof:
My roommate lent me her very chic wrap, so I had to get a full-length view too:
Sorry, it's sorta dark but hopefully you get the picture. hardy har har.
I felt very VIP as I flashed my Platinum Pass and they let me and my friend right in, where we waited for 30 minutes before the program even started. Oh well, it's the concept of being able to get right in that counts, right?
The program was cool (but no screening of Dreamgirls since this guy, Bill Condon, was being honored for his life's work basically.) There were film montages and an interview for about an hour w/ the director. I didn't know it, but he also did Gods and Monsters, Chicago, and a movie I hadn't heard about but really want to see now, Kinsey with Liam Neeson. It was neat to see the array of genres he has worked in and get to hear his insights as an up-and-coming director, but someone that hasn't hit full stardom yet.
Two of the Dreamgirls (the other two besides Beyonce) gave him the award and both were featured in some clips. Um, if you haven't heard Jennifer Hudson's voice yet, go out and see the movie. I'll be right behind you. Her voice is INCREDIBLE. We're talking blowtheroofoff, mirrorshatteringinagoodway amazing. She's the one that was voted off American Idol and is sure showing them who's boss.
This is the three of them. Sorry, guys, I'm a little star happy.
Then came the after party. Of course no one famous was there b/c I'm sure they were at some super secret after party, but I am not one to pass up free drinks and food. Again, I was waved in with my pass as I made my way up the red carpet (probably the only one I'll ever walk on, haha). Once inside, I was bombarded with delicious food and an open bar. Can life get better? Apparently it could. As we were walking around, we discovered a third level to the venue and suddenly we were in a paradise of desserts and free massages. Oh, that wasn't it though - oh no - there were also free products to just take at will. So I loaded up on shea butter that smelled of pina colada and lotion that smelled of pink champagne (not really, it was sorta flowery).
You know when you go get a manicure and the best part is the hand massage? Well, that's what I got for 5 minutes. haaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Feeling relaxed, full, and happy, my friend Patty and I felt like it was completely appropriate to duck out at 12:15. I went to bed a pampered girl. I like this treatment, but I think I could get sick of it after a while, or at least grow to not appreciate it as much.
I'm on a blogging roll - I guess I just have a lot to say recently.
Well my news for today is that my manager decided to give me not only a 4 Film Pak to see 4 movies at the Film Festival, but she also gave me her two Platinum Passes to go to an awards show tonight. The show is honoring Bill Condon, the director of Dreamgirls (which I haven't seen - I hope they have a showing before they give him the award). So I'm going w/ one of my friends here and we get priority admittance as well as admittance to the party afterward w/ free booze and food.
SWEET ACTION!!!
I'm sure I will have much to share tomorrow.
On days like today when it is nasty, wet, and cold, the only appropriate thing to do is stay inside and read by the fireplace and watch movies.
I did most of the above, but since I am too lazy and poor, there was no fireplace, or at least no fire in the fireplace.
Book You Should Read
The Bookseller of Kabul by Asne Seilerstad
Wow - if you want a really good look at everyday life in Afghanistan, but can't handle straight up news like me, this is a good start. It's written as 'fiction,' but it's actually completely non-fiction and it's so interesting to read about a completely different culture and their sets of morals and social world. Talk about realizing how lucky we are as women in America and how amazing it is that we actually get to marry people that we love, and on our own time. Can you imagine marrying someone the age of your grandfather and being expected to feel blessed?
What I like in particular about this book is that it doesn't try to isolate all the differences between 'them' and 'us.' It just naturally shows them by telling stories of everyday events.
(As a side note, I really love this whole not having school and having all the free time in the world to read books that I've wanted to read for a long time. By reading the 'classics' I feel academic and by reading them on my own time, I feel indulgent.)
Movie You Should See
The Hours, with Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, and Nicole Kidman.
Not only are those three women some of the most talented actress I know, but they're surrounded by an amazing cast. I've stated previously that I love movies that follow real time and this is another wonderful example. It just follows three women in three different decades through one day in their life and they're all connected and all almost simultaneous. The symbolism is so poignant and yet subtle at the same time and some expected outcomes and some unexpected.
Philip Glass did the score and I have to say that the music really completed the movie - constantly shifting, but keeping the same undertone and always a little uncomfortable, like you're feeling the uncertainty of each of the women even though they have such a perfect facade. (Incidentally, I think he was also listening to a little too much Counting Crows because I distinctly heard the opening of "Colorblind" at several points.)
Can I go back to how amazing the acting was? Nicole Kidman was a completely different person! Her voice was deeper, not so silky, and she fit perfectly every single aspect of her character. Meryl Streep has proven again and again that she can fill any role given to her and this was no exception. Julianne Moore had probably the hardest role because she never spoke her thoughts - so she had to show everything on her face and yet we knew exactly how she was feeling and the agony that she was going through. Ed Harris and Toni Collette had shorter roles, but no less deep and in fact might have been more complicated because they had to convey so much emotion in such a short amount of time.
The only thing I didn't really get was the whole lesbian theme. I mean I got that it was a theme, but I didn't understand the connection. Perhaps they all didn't feel like they fit in and felt conflicted because they were torn between two worlds in so many different ways?
This definitely needs to stay in my movie collection. I have a feeling I could see it over and over and still get so much out of it.
That was my semi-coma induced attempt at a relevant and witty blog title.
I can't believe that 14 hours ago I was in an audition in L.A. - this day has got to be one of the longest in history.
So, really quickly: I drove from L.A. today to go to work at 4:30. Right now Santa Barbara is in the middle of an International film festival with some big names. I thought that there's likelihood that I will see someone famous and should look good at all times when working. Of course, I was so tired that I didn't really care tonight and just threw something together. And wouldn't you know it, but I waited on Rider Strong and his girl date. (For those of you not in the know, Rider Strong played Shawn in 157 episodes of Boy Meets World and yes I did look that up on IMDB.)
Shawn was the guy that every middle school girl had a crush on and Corey was just the cute boy next door. I had a major crush on Shawn and like to watch the high school episodes more just b/c he's at least dateable at that age instead of a little 13-year-old. Fortunately for me, Rider is too short for me to want to date, you know, because I'm sure he now wants to ditch his date and come back to the restaurant looking for my tore-up self.
So that's my little brush with celebrity. Woo hoo. I can even tell you what they ordered... haha.
I just like that about two months ago that other guy came in from the show - it's like they abound in Santa Barbara or something. Anyway. It was my highlight of the evening.
Oh, and I changed my blog again. Christa was right - it was too green before. I think I like it better this way, but don't be surprised if it changes again.
I felt like my blog needed a makeover. Like it? There were wayyyy too many choices of colors and stuff on the template. It was like being in the Cheesecake Factory and trying to decide which flavor to have - near impossible.
Well, I'm on my way to L.A. this morning. I just had to post because the trip is already off to a good start.
Yesterday was amazing. I:
- got off work incredibly early
- ate at a cheap and delicious Indian buffet (haven't gone since Chapel Hill, seriously) with my friend Hilary
- talked on the phone for an hour with someone I love
- wrote my final cadenza
- had quality roommate time
- had a whole conversation in Spanish with the sous chef
- got up early
- will make myself some tea before leaving
- found that people have commented on my posts after all!!! I just had to 'moderate' them, which I had no idea I had to do. So now I've fixed it so that I can see them right away, but it was like Christmas because I had 14 comments from all you lovely people in one sitting. It was fabulous.
My social life has been nil recently. My days have been 'practice, practice, go listen to music or play for someone, work, yoga' in some order. And actually because of yoga, sometimes 'eat' doesn't get in there b/c you're not allowed to eat for three hours before the class. I feel like I've been fasting for days, since I'm so used to being able to eat whenever I want to.
So I'm taking off time from yoga because I want my body to feel normal again - I want to crave food, I want to not be sore, I want to not be insanely tired every day, and I want to sleep and eat normally.
But back to the social thing: I'm a very social person - I've been getting home and hanging out with my roommates just because I need someone to talk to at the end of the day. I haven't seen any of my friends this week, our schedules always collide which sucks. (Oh, and the boy and I are over. If you really want details, you can call me.) Actually, you can call me anyway because I need to talk to lots of people over the next couple days because 1. I will be driving for 2 hours down to L.A. and back again, 2. I'll need to hear some friendly voices before my audition on Saturday, and 3. I haven't talked to any of you in so long! But we both know that I will probably end up calling you (collectively) because I am almost always the initiator. It's okay - I like it most of the time.
I'm blogging right now solely because I ate way too much for lunch and I can't move a single step from my bed just yet.
I've tried this new thing called bikram yoga - it's yoga done in a room that's like 110 degrees and by the end of it, you've drunk an entire bottle of water simply because you had to to replace all the water you lost sweating. It's super intense. I think I like it because every day is a new challenge for me, like today I got there and was just not into it because I was so tired, so it took a lot of concentration just to stay focused on each move. Also, a lot of the positions are really uncomfortable, which is sort of the opposite of what most people think of when they think yoga, but the instructor said that this just means that my body is getting stronger. So I just paid for an introductory period and then I can decide if I like it enough to drop my gym and just do this.
I played in studio last night for the last time before my audition this weekend and it went so much better than last week (thankfully). I feel almost ready and I've certainly been working on the 'mental games' aspect doing everything I can to just center my thoughts and really concentrate on why going through this process again. It really comes down to the fact that I love music with my whole being and nothing gives me more joy. It's been really interesting to see the results when I simply think about the word 'joy' when I play. No kidding - it has made a world of a difference, I think because it gives me the confidence and reminds me why I love to play.
Okay, I think the food has settled now.
I take joy in the really simple things in life. Things that I feel some people just take for granted, like it just never occurs to them to be happy about.
This week, I made a breakthrough in two parts of my life (in very miniscule ways) that proved to me that I've officially flown the nest. One was making a dish from scratch just the way I wanted to make it - I altered the recipe according to what I liked or didn't like and no one else had to eat it. Silly, I know, but it made a world of a difference to me. At my house, my mom has cooked and I've had to pick out those vicious mushrooms or gag on them in my attempts to make peace with them. But victory was mine as I prepared a spinach lasagna with no mushrooms and no ricotta cheese (I've always wondered what lasagna would be like without the gross ricotta cheese). My little experiment turned out marvelously and I plan to follow it with many more.
The second occured tonight when I couldn't sleep and decided to get up and do something productive instead of lying still wondering when I would drift off. To some this is a very normal practice, but in my childhood, everyone went to bed and no one got up in the middle of the night so I just assumed that's how things were and you would fall asleep eventually. Ah, but the joys of having my own place and not worrying about disturbing anyone should I not be able to sleep! Being up and typing away and just having extra time to think has been so amazing that I won't even feel grumpy when I have to wake up at 8:30 to go to yoga. Plus, I'm going to yoga. We're not talking anything strenuous here.
On another note, I'm getting really nervous about my auditions coming up. I've been coming up with all sorts of things that I can do to get ready, one of which being to play in front of as many people as possible in the next few days. The other is to ask for the prayer of any and all that read my blog. I got a fun little note the other day letting me know that more people read this than I thought. You would never know it from the lack of comments ;) hehe. But getting back to the prayer thing: I am working on having self-confidence and the ability to show my passion, love, and joy of music to the people that I have to play for. Because when it comes down to it, that's why I do what I do and I let these auditions get in the way mentally of the real reason sometimes. So any support in that endeavor is greatly appreciated.
I just heard from the one school that I sent a preliminary tape to in Houston and I didn't get to the live audition. This makes me completely heartbroken and wholly determined at the same time. I vascilate between the two almost every other minute.
I'm just having flashbacks to last spring and I really really don't want that to happen again. I lost my faith in God, myself, and the world of music for a while and it took a whole year to get most of that back.
How's that for honesty?
For some reason, I've only posted recently when I've been feeling insecure or depressed. Probably because when I feel like this way, at least someone's listening to me, even if it's not like callinga friend up and venting.
Today I was supposed to go out with the boy again and he hadn't called by the afternoon so I said screw it, I'm not going to wait by the telephone and called someone from work that I knew was sick and had to work that night and asked if he wanted me to fill in for him. I told myself that by going in I could 1. earn money, 2. flirt with the cute bartender, 3. help out a sick friend, and 4. show someone that they couldn't just call me whenever. Well.
I made no money, the bartender flirted with the other waitress the whole night, I felt lousy, and no one ever called. My intentions were somewhat good for helping out my friend, but I knew as well as you that that wasn't the main reason that I went into work and I got screwed for it.
Now I'm sitting at home, alone at 9:30 at night and feeling depressed and lonely. Haha, this is beautiful California, folks. Actually, I'm sure the cold weather isn't helping much and I'm really just being moody, but it certainly hasn't been the best day.
And I have an important recital tomorrow. Well, I'll just make sure to wake up on the right side of the bed this time.
Yes, I know for the rest of the world today is Friday which is generally a day of rejoicing, but I've had a crazy schedule this week with one day on, one day off, so yesterday might as well have been my Sunday. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today because I'm just feeling sad.
But, I have seen some great movies recently and they're all awesome for completely different reasons.
Movie A: Little Miss Sunshine
I was a little scared since it was hyped up so much, but it totally lived up to my expectations. Not only was the acting amazing, but the way that it was filmed was so original. I'm not sure I've ever seen a movie where they purposely don't show you the actors faces when they're having a conversation, but it was a really cool way to shoot it. Toni Collette rocks my world - she's one of those really versatile actresses that just takes whatever role she's given and put her whole self into it. The guy that played Dwayne was probably my second favorite, simply because he was so perfect as the angsty teenager. I also really liked the real time footage like at the beginning where they're all sitting down to dinner. It makes it feel like you're actually a part of the story as opposed to just seeing a series of events. Does that make sense? Anyway, I really liked it.
Movie B: Cars
What can I say? I love Pixar. Toy Story, Finding Nemo, the Incredibles are all on my list of favorites. I just think of how much time those creators put into making every second of film. Not to mention all of the little jokes that fly by if you're not catching them. Even the flies in this movie were cars and all of the towns had something to do with cars or roads. You would forget for a second that these were cars with no limbs or opposable thumbs or faces really. Makes you wonder how those lights get turned on an off... Okay, so the story was a little cheesy, but what do you expect from Disney? The animation and all the minute details in every single frame made it totally worth it.
Movie C: The Constant Gardener
I actually haven't finished this movie yet because I was exhausted last night and had to turn it off. But so far, the acting is incredible and it's so neat to see the film shot in a real village in Africa. I feel like other films take the 'best' parts of Africa and portray them as the slums. But the way this one is done makes it feel almost like a documentary. I'm getting a little lost in the dialogue, which is unfortunate since it's not the kind of movie that has a cut and dry plot. We'll see how the ending turns out.
In other news, I'm reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. SUCH a good book. I'm only about 200 pages into it, but I really like it. So if no one has started 100 years of Solitude, I suggest this one instead. The characters are so tangible and it's extremely well written. You have to like architecture or some sort of art form to feel the plight of the main character though.
I just got back from a "meeting" with a Mary Kay consultant (aka my friend, Shivhan) and her regional manager. They tried so desperately to get me to join 'the team.' While I want to make extra money, here are the reasons why I just can't right now:
- I am living from paycheck to paycheck - I just don't have an extra $100 just lying around.
- I'm not a gambler. I can't put down $100 and hope that I'm going to get it back in the first couple sales that I make.
- I have some incredibly important auditions coming up. Like, they're sort of deciding the rest of my life. Gulp.
- Practicing, travelling, getting in shape, and working are consuming all of my time right now.
Okay. So I have this whole schpiel ready to give to them when I meet for coffee. Here's why I'll probably be a new consultant come March:
- I don't sell stuff unless I believe in it, and I really really like their products. They last a long time and they work. Enough said.
- I'm a pretty good sales person, when it comes down to it, but only if I believe in the products.
- I have a good network of girl friends and older professional women that I come into contact with every day. Plus I have the lovely people that read my blog that just might want to buy some makeup ;)
- I'm moving to a new city (hopefully) next fall and it would be a great way to meet new people.
- Those darn ladies are so persuasive.
No, but seriously, they're persuasive because they really believe in it and because they get a commission off of everything that I sell. Haha. And I'm going to have so much free time after my auditions that I'm not going to know what to do with myself. Why not make some extra money? So keep a look out for a new Mary Kay seller in a couple months :)
I'm going to go watch Little Miss Sunshine now (if Blockbuster has it) - I'm stoked since I've heard it's really good and I haven't had a chance to see it until now.
But don't we all?
I hate it when I get excited about something a little too early and whatever plans I've made fall through. I hate it when I misjudge someone's reliability only to find out that they are a flaker, or worst of all when I don't see someone for the true friend they could be. Well, I'm working on it.
I truly believe that when I broadcast something new and exciting in my life before it has time to settle that it jinxes it. I'm not a superstitious person and I think usually it's a bunch of baloney, but this is my main motivation in not thinking about where I could be next year and getting excited about a certain city or school. I'm just trying to take it one step at a time.
Today in church I was really struck with the idea that there's no reason for me to be nervous about my auditions because wherever I end up is my right place, as much as I think that I don't want to be stuck here next year. I could never ever have forseen living in Santa Barbara this year and all the amazing stuff that would happen (my parents say that I will never get an apartment this good anywhere else I go ... I'll just have to prove them wrong ;) ). And to think that last March, I was sobbing because things didn't go my way. *Sigh* Trusting is alway such a hard lesson to learn.
Okay, I have to start with the self affirmation that I have plenty of time, no rush.
I just got a call from one of my friends from my study abroad program (Spring 2005, only 1 1/2 years ago) that is now engaged. I thought I could get used to this by now, but no, I was wrong. I mean, I'm totally happy for her, but literally when we were hanging out in France, she and I were on the same page with boys - we hadn't really dated seriously and weren't expecting anything in the near future. And now she's engaged. Gah!!
I have plenty of time, I have plenty of time, I'm only 21, I'm only 21.
I've found someone that calls when he says he will and is still taller than me (but not freakishly so) even when I wear my cute 4-inch-heeled boots. Financially stable and mid 20's. Even if this doesn't last too long, I'm a happy girl.
Today was my Saturday and I went for a great hike in the morning, chilled out and read books and visited with my roommate who's finally back (!), then went out for sushi and got a goodnight kiss. Does life get any better?
I think that pretty much sums it all up right now.
My mom got me this "Learn Spanish in 10 minutes a Day" book and I love it. Of course I still can't understand the people in the kitchen, but at least I have some words that I can use now to talk to them. Like buenos dias... haha just kidding I knew that before the book.
Well my New Year's Eve was far from memorable, but it was fine and I made some money and the evening was far from stressful, so I guess that's all good. Somehow my body wanted to wake me up at 8 this morning even though I went to bed at 3. I should be on West coast time now and not sure why I'm not. Stupid internal clock.
I'm feeling very lethargic today and I think it's okay because nothing is open and no one is working, so it's a lay low day. Time to write thank you notes I guess; I always try to avoid them until the last minute but since I have some down time, it would be good to get them done.
The teacher from USC wrote me an email basically saying that he loved my playing, my plans for the future, my outlook on music, etc. and would like to work with me but he can't make any guarantees given that he has no idea who else is going to audition in a couple weeks. Fair enough, and still very exciting/encouraging! This is the guy that has told some people that they should pick a new career... haha.
Well now you know all of the mundane things on my mind. I'm going to stop wasting time in front of the computer.
I know that I will be far too tired tomorrow night to even bother to post anything, so this will be my last entry of the year 2006. It's been quite a while since I've written and I feel like so much has happened. I hope I can put it into bullets.
- my first audition is 4 weeks away. I feel like I have so much work to do to get ready for it, and yet I feel so much more prepared than I've ever felt.
- I really don't want to be working tomorrow since I desperately want to be in Charlotte or anywhere fun, but I'm consoled by the fact that the staff will most likely be just as tipsy as our customers come midnight.
- Santa Barbara is lonely since most people don't have school for another week or so and none of my roommates are back and certain boys haven't been in the same town as me for about 3 weeks now. We're gonna have to start all over again. Well, fitting for a new year I guess.
None of this is really expressing how I feel right now and I'm not sure why. I think mainly my mind is still back in North Carolina even though I fell very succinctly back into my routine here. It's like I got a taste of what life could be like if I was in familiar surroundings with the people that I love (college, anyone?) and I want to hold onto it even though I'm so proud of myself for what I've established in California. It makes me wonder if I wouldn't have just been better off just being home for like 3 days and not being able to see anyone but my family. But that's just silliness :)
I'm trying to tell myself that it's 11:30 at night and not 2:30 am like my body wants to believe. At least I had one day to get used to the time change before working an 11 hour shift. Sheesh.
I already have resolutions, but they're things that will aid me in preparation for the next two months of craziness. Just being more disciplined about my time, basically. I did really well today and didn't have any down time that wasn't well spent except for tonight when I got back from work and that is totally allowed chill out time. I went to the gym, the grocery store, unpacked, put Spanish labels on everything in the house, practiced, showered, cooked lunch and dinner, and still got to work by 4:30. I'm so awesome. haha.
Please call me tomorrow night. I have a feeling I'm going to be bored out of my mind. What 3 people handled tonight will be 10 people with the same amount of customers tomorrow night. I like to feel loved ;)
Okay, so I obviously didn't have any finals, but the sense of relief I feel after my last shift for a whole 10 days is pretty much the same feeling as the one I got at Christmas vacation time at school. I now actually have time for myself and getting all my loose ends tied up before I leave on Tuesday.
Reasons I'm Happy:
1. I just bought myself (yes, I couldn't resist one reward for myself even at Christmas time) the James Taylor Christmas CD. It's awesome. Let me know if you want a copy.
2. I'm done with work until Dec. 29th
3. I'm going to make some extra Christmas money babysitting tomorrow.
4. I finished all my recording today!
5. I get to start packing tomorrow
6. It's actually cold out today making the whole Christmas time thing feel more real.
7. Did I mention I love James Taylor?
8. I bought the final gifts on my Christmas list.
9. The countdown to going home has really begun!!
That's all.
I'm not sure I've ever spent that long in a beauty place, but I did it today. The result? Beautiful darker/redder hair and a cute cut. All for a very cheap price - somehow I always seem to have friends that are hairdressers. I love love love my new color.
Soooo I have a new hairdo, the date went really well and there was no doubt of a second one and work has kept me really busy with fabulous compensation. Gee, life is just great, by golly!
Next Thursday could really not come any sooner though. I'm so stoked to go home that I feel the need to talk about it in every single blog that I post.
I'm working a double tomorrow, so I really need to go to bed. Good night!
Provided the world does not end, I don't get hit by a meteor, or fall down dead during my lunch shift, I actually have a date tomorrow.
I know, I had to read that sentence twice too.
So the week is looking up. I'm having dinner tomorrow, then a haircut and dye Wednesday (don't think I'm a copycat, Christa, but I might get some red tinges - not sure), and 6 shifts this week. I normally work 4, so I think my manager is making me pay for the fact that I'm going to be gone for 10 days. But really, I'm just grateful for all the extra holiday party stuff. Hm I wonder if we're going to have a holiday party for the restaurant...
Then I leave for LA on next Tuesday and I just have a little bit more of recording to do. These next few days are going to fly by and I'm so glad.
My new resolution: don't hang out with the people at work any more. It's not worth it and I have many more things to be doing with my time than waste it on people that don't appreciate me and that don't share my interests or values. So there. And I've been pretty good at keeping most of my resolutions - sort of. Instead of working out a lot I'm just eating better, so it all balances out in the end (haha no pun intended).
Well, at least for Christmas shopping.
I have very consistently bemoaned the fact that there is neither a Target or a Wal-Mart in Santa Barbara. The former has really good gifts for cheap and the latter has all your household needs for cheap. However, I discovered that this is a substitute for cheap gifts when wanting to go to a one-stop store.
I was planning on getting a few presents for people yesterday and ended up nearly completing my list for this year all at: Borders. We all know how amazing Borders is and I believe that both Megan and Christa worked there (or did you work at Barnes and Noble, Megan?), but I never thought that I could get everything for everyone in one go and for quite a good deal too.
So now I have this recording for Rice to worry about and a lesson down in LA, two big obstacles that stand in the way of me and North Carolina. I'm so excited to go home, I can't even say. I miss Charlotte, I miss my home, I miss winter, and I miss having real friends that I can call up anytime that want to see me.
I hung out with my co-workers last night and I realized that they're really not my friends. Sure, we get along, but I don't feel like I'm contributing anything significant to the group. And the thing is that I'm not that torn up about it - I know that they're not the kind of people that I want to really be friends with anyway. So why do I continue to hang out with them? I guess because most of them don't have school to worry about, which my actual real friends in Santa Barbara do. So the people that I should spend quality time with I see maybe once every couple weeks, and the ones that I shouldn't I stay out late with and wake up in the morning wondering why I didn't just stay home. My problem is that I'm such a social person that I have no will power to just go straight home from work.
I have a major recording session tonight with my accompanist! Aack! I'm going to need a nap before then...
I've gotten into the Christmas spirit early. My mom didn't want me to feel left out of all the decorating stuff at home, so she bought me a mini tree and mini ornaments. It's so cute! (If you can't tell, it's about a foot tall, max.)
Well, I shouldn't have really complained about going out because I totally made up for it last night by staying out until 5 in the morning. The problem was that I didn't have my watch on and I set down my purse with my phone. I was with some cool people from work that I've never really hung out with before and we went to a bar after work, then to someone's house to play some pool. I just lost track of time...
Now I'm running on 4 hours of sleep and I have a super important rehearsal and lesson today. After I cried in my last lesson, this is the week to redeem myself. Of course I was emotinally unstable at that point and I blame it on my body. Tonight will be different.
Just in case you wanted to know or if you ever find yourself having to give pointless trivia statements, I heard that 70% of American money has cocaine on it in some miniscule amount. Makes me think twice about the $1 bill that I just found on the street. Of course, this has not been proven or tested, but still an interesting fact nonetheless. Ah, what I learn around my co-workers. Let's just put it this way: If I'm 30 and still working as a waitress, shoot me.
Hm, that's all I have for now.
Last night I was exhausted even though I had a lot of fun people to hang out with. So I left early and didn't socialize much. Tonight I'm feeling very cute (gotta take those moments when you can get 'em) and all of my friends are busy or unavailable. Grr. Even my roommates are gone and so the house is empty and I have all this space to myself. This would be good on any other evening than when I'm feeling energetic and social. Alas - perhaps the stars will realign soon.
Which celebrity do I look like the most? I'm reminded of a certain TV show that actually had Emmy Rossum in it, although I think we ended up saying that she would play Elisabeth.
I loved having my parents here and all, but with having to entertain them for a week straight as well as my period coming, I was an emotional wreck for the past two days. I cried about running out of gas, for crying out loud. Sheesh. BUT. I dropped them off at the LAX airport and had an uneventful drive back up the coast and am now sitting in a newly cleaned room with a car full of gas, groceries, and all of my toiletries completely replenished.
The best part of today was going to Wal-Mart. Sam Walton must love me right now because he has achieved his goal of making every American dependent on his store for daily needs. I had a list a mile long of stuff that I wanted to get at Wal-Mart when I made the trek down to LA. See, Santa Barbara is so snobby that they've decided that they don't want a Target or a Wal-Mart within 30 miles of the city. I'm not kidding... I have to drive that far for civilization. *le sigh* So being in the store for half an hour today was like a big sigh of relief. And I have an endless supply of toilet paper. Hallelujah.
My mom bought me some new shoes for work called Hushpuppies and they're supposed to be really comfortable. How come the really comfortable ones always take forever to break in and the crappy ones are comfortable until 2 months into wearing them? So I'm in the midst of breaking mine in and my feet are not happy with me for standing in the shoes for 7 hours straight.
Among my daily errands was getting a library card and I'm super psyched about this book club. Perhaps I will read some before I go to bed even though exhausted is not a strong enough word for how I feel right now.
So I've disappeared from the blog world for a while because my parents have been in town. I have to say though, this is a nice step in the whole visiting thing - I have my own place where they are the guests and I get to show them around. It's been really great to do stuff and then have my own room to go chill in. So it's actually been extremely pleasant the entire time.
These holidays are some of the times that I most enjoy being an only child. My parents miss me and thus feel obligated to 'treat' me every time that they see me because I have now flown the nest. So yesterday my mom and I went clothes shopping and today she feels compelled to buy my groceries, gas, and new shoes for work. Of course, the new phase in life is also indicated by my extreme excitement and gratification that my parents are paying for one week's worth of everyday expenses.
We went for a beautiful hike today and saw the whole town of Montecito from the highest peak in the area. We could even see Oprah Winfrey. I'm kidding. But she does live in Montecito.
The only bad thing about vacations is that you get out of your daily routine and since my parents have basically been here for a week, I haven't been to the gym, I've barely practiced, and I've eaten like a pig. Oh well. I should just accept it for what it is. Calories don't count when you're on vacation, right??
I made my resolution to be practicing every day (which I have kept faithfully) because my teacher from Carolina that wrote some recommendations sent this email to me today:
"I hope you are practicing, because after they read what I wrote, they will annoint you queen of something."
Haha. This is from my chamber music coach, not even my old flute teacher, so I would never have expected such high praise from him.
I hope they DO annoint me queen of something... queen of acceptance, queen of scholarship, queen of flute playing at a conservatory. Wouldn't it be nice if I didn't even have to audition? They're like, well if Don Oehler says you're good, then we'll just take his word for it. Ah, sweet impossible dreams.
I went to the quiz website that is so apparently popular these days and attempted to answer "Which Disney princess are you most like?" It might as well have been, "Tell us which princess you are like and then we'll post it like you took a quiz" because the questions were something along the lines of Agree or Disagree: You like to live with short people, You feel like you're constantly doing chores for the house you live in, you feel a strange connection with forces of nature, you like to talk to fish. I mean, c'mon, make it somewhat less obvious!!
Today is sort of dreary outside. There's been a blanket of fog over the mountains since this morning and it has never really lifted. Hopefully the weather will become beautiful again when my parents come up in a few days.
I'm driving to LA tomorrow! I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to do it, but I'm excited to see my family and leave town for a short while. Happy Thanksgiving!
My daddy just dedicated a piece of his art to me. I'm still not really sure of the significance, but it's still cute :)
www.paulsedan.com - the very last piece if you want to go look at it.
In other news, I'm so freakin' stuffed from the past few days. I had 2 Thanksgiving dinners to go to and then I went to one of my friend's houses today and she's at culinary school so she just "whipped up" an amazing linner (yes, I meant linner) of roasted chicken breast, broccoli salad, and lemon meringue pie. Good thing I went for a run today or else I would have gained 10 pounds instead of only 5 from the past 3 days' eating celebrations. I'm kidding... sort of.