One of my favorite recent FAILblogs.

Talkin' that blah, blah, blah

I'm in love with my SELF magazine. It's the best reading material I've had in a while (trashy vampire novels don't count).

At the end of every month, when I'm eating badly again and stupid things like an injured foot have hindered me from going to the gym, it re-motivates me and makes me feel really good about myself. What women's magazine actually leaves the reader feeling like they are beautiful and just inspired to push that little extra more to feel beautiful? SELF does. No, I'm not getting paid to say this (I wish!)

There are several things that amuse me during my day staring at a computer.

#1 : www.icanhascheezburger.com - cats, cats, cats. I can stop laughing at some of the titles. For you, Christa, this picture:
Related to this site, and just as funny, is FAILblog and Failbooking. Random laughter erupts from behind my office door fairly frequently.


#2: Live off Groupon videos. I really really wanted to apply for this, but logistics got in the way. Like, paying off student loans, for one. BUT I like looking at everyone else's videos.

This girl has my vote. Very creative.


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I was at the gym yesterday, on the elliptical machine.

There was so much to distract my attention from my burning thighs! On my right was SFCM's New Music Ensemble director (Nicole Paiement) on the stair master reading a score with headphones on. Dork! Haha, but hilarious - and a very intelligent use of workout time - at the same time.

Also, the TVs in front of me were simultaneously running The Millionaire Matchmaker (soooo entertaining), the UNC basketball game (I really can't watch them any more, they're too painful), and the news about the Sea World trainer that got killed by the killer whale. I also had music on and was reading my magazine. My brain was so confused! I didn't know where to look!
I think I ended up just getting off the elliptical and doing weights in the other room. Sorry if that's anti-climactic.

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My New World Symphony audition is tomorrow. Ack! I guess I should be practicing right now.

Other upcoming events:

Tonight: Magik*Magik performs with the Dodos at the Palace of Fine Arts. I'm going to be there from 5-midnight. Fun times.

Tomorrow: Video recording session with the Dodos. Also, I'm performing on a composition dept. recital. Oh yeah, and my audition somewhere in between. Glad I like being busy.

Sunday: Coaching a flute choir in Redwood City. Not sure what this is going to entail - I'm filling in for a friend while she goes skydiving. I've played in flute choirs before, but I'm not sure how to approach coaching one. I'm just going to rely on my musician instincts - they haven't let me down before.

One more newspaper clipping

(look close enough, and you'll find me)

Magik*Magik Orchestra is famous again. We were featured in the SF Weekly magazine for the show we're going to do as a part of Noise Pop Festival next week. This photo is kinda funny because it's so incredibly staged - they didn't want any guys in the picture besides The Dodos, so they look like total pimps (or we look like an all-female orchestra - what kind of audience will this attract?)

I'm looking forward to next week because of this show and a possible music video shoot the following day with the Dodos. However, I'm not looking forward to the fact that we have a late evening show the day before my New World audition, which is immediately preceded by the video shoot, and immediately followed by a composer's recital I'm playing on, which is immediately followed by a trip to North Beach to see a Michael Jackson cover band (okay, that part is gonna be awesome).

I'm trying really hard to get into the 'important audition' mindset. It's tough when I'm not surrounded by the people that I'm competing against. I just need to have a picture of Miami and Michael Tilson Thomas in front of me every time I pull out my flute.

Emile

I met a guy today in my store that bought an Emile Henry pie plate. Exciting, I know. He was extraordinary for two reasons:

1) his name was also Emile. I pointed this out to him, like the weirdo that I am. He just laughed.

2) he grew up in Charlotte, and went to UNC. He graduated a year after me, and now lives in San Francisco. CRAZY!!!

I gave him my phone number whether he wanted it or not. I told him I wasn't hitting on him, I just get really excited when I meet people from NC. I mean, c'mon, the circumstances were too perfect. We have the same exact life! Only, he has a real job, and as he so kindly observed, I am working at Williams-Sonoma. I hurried to correct the seemingly obvious by stating that I'm really the best flutist in San Francisco, people just don't know it yet.

and then I found $40

... no, really. I found $40 on the ground.

Morally, what should I have done? Given it to the guard at the front desk? Asked random people around the deserted school if they were missing $40?

Well, I kept it. And bought Christmas presents. Merry Christmas to me.

Tipsy blogging

I just got back from a fantastic dinner with my flute teacher from last year and most of the people that I graduated with in May. We went to an amazing restaurant in a random section of San Francisco and had a blast. We spent 3 hours at dinner, drinking wine, slowly eating our food, and talking about everything imaginable. It's meals like those that really make me appreciate how the Europeans do it.

My teacher, Tim, has made an unspoken deal with his former students that they can either pay him his normal rate for lessons, or they can buy him a really REALLY nice bottle of wine that they paid at least $90 for. I in turn proposed a plan in which I bought two slightly lesser bottles of wine (only $50 each) for the entire table and we had a fabulous meal and I will get a lesson in two days for (kinda) free. I think I got the better end of that, but what are former teachers for?

Despite the uncertainty of the future and the lack of money, I still love my profession and the people in it. Music is truly where I'm supposed to be. It's a good feeling to have.

Deep thoughts by Tipsy Amy.

At the drop of a hat

There are many disadvantages to being a girl, and there are also many advantages. I usually love the advantages - getting guys to carry heavy things, having doors opened for me, etc.

Today I disliked being a girl because I got into an argument with my boss and instead of calmly stating my case, I was so frustrated that I burst into tears. Tears usually help situations if you're trying to get your way, but in this case, I was still trying to reason and to look like a semi-professional which is really hard to do when your voice fluctuates between three octaves every other word. Oh well, everything was resolved, but I still hated my body for acting that way.

Some people look cute when they cry, but not me. When mixed with frustration, I get splotchy, my mouth makes weird shapes, and the fact that I can't talk normally makes me more frustrated which makes me cry harder.


And now for something completely unrelated: Yesterday I volunteered outside of the windows at Macy's that the SPCA rents for the holiday season. In separate windows are the world's cutest kittens and puppies and my job for 2 hours was to look at the kittens and hold a box that people could drop money into. Who that loves cats wouldn't do that at least once a season? They were so precious and after my shift was over I got to hold one of the kittens that was 2 months old. I zipped him up in my jacket so that only his head was poking out and he settled right down and became a purring machine. cuuuute.

I have internet and TV again. The world is okay, even if I do look like a stupid emotional girl once in a while.

Offline

As soon as I start blogging, I move and don't have internet. So of course, my blogging will be on hiatus until I can get internet in my new apartment.

Which also means I won't start blogging until I'm finanically stable.

Hm, maybe I will never start blogging again.

A week of firsts

What with not being in school, my sense of a week has been totally thrown off, so my week starts Tuesday because my weekend is Sunday and Monday, so Thursday I was in the middle of my week. That being said, this 'week' was a week of a lot of firsts.

Ooh, I just realized that I was being punny, because yesterday I went to go watch the SF Symphony's filming of Keeping Score and they were playing Mahler 1. I have to buy the DVD when it comes out, because I might be in it! I was in the audience, right behind the percussion.

Other firsts:

- first day back at Williams-Sonoma. It was like riding a bike. I've technically been gone for about a year and a half, and it felt like I had never left except there were a bunch of new people running the store. The first time I rang a customer up, my fingers knew what they were doing before I did.
- first time I went out with co-workers! Not like I have ANY money to spend, but when they offered to have me join them, I couldn't say no. It makes work so much easier if you're friends with the people you work with.
- tomorrow night will be my first night in my new place. I'm so excited! It's right on the corner where the light rail train turns, so I might have to get used to the noise, but it's so much more convenient to everything. Plus, I'll be that much closer to my favorite Indian restaurant, Roti.

- first blog in over a year :)

Once I get settled, I'll try to post some pictures from my hiking this summer.

I'm not sold on the layout, but I spent about 2 hours looking for this one.

I can't help you if you can't help yourself

Hm, it's been quite a while since I've blogged. But now, I've just gotten to the point where I have too much to say and not as many people to talk to consistently, so I'm picking up the blogging again. If anything to just have a place to vent.

LOTS has happened in my life in the past year, the past month, and the past week. A summation:

Big picture stuff:

• my parents are moving to San Francisco! I will no longer be going 'home' to North Carolina for holidays, etc. It's a really weird situation to be in, but I think it's going to be a really good change for all of us. Much more on that in the next month.
• I've graduated and I have a Master's degree in Flute Performance. I now have a job with the San Francisco Symphony working with the Youth Orchestra, and I have three other jobs that I really don't feel like going into right now. A musician's life is all about piecing it together.
  
• I'm moving to a new place in the city for the third time in three years. *sigh* I really dislike moving, but I'm really excited about my new place. Each time I move I have one less roommate and now I'm down to just me and my friend, Justin. I think I'm really going to enjoy only dealing with one other personality.

This weekend is going to be really hectic with lots of new things happening all at once. I have to start my third job tomorrow (I'm going back to Williams-Sonoma to have a steady income), I have to work my Youth Orchestra job between shifts at W-S and moving, and I have to move on Sunday. Our house is probably about 60% packed and about 20% clean. I think I'm being generous on the cleaning, too. It's really really filthy and I'm looking forward to having a cleared-out house to go to town in.

New discoveries about myself:

1. I really like opera. I used to think I hated it, but I've only seen Mozart and Handel operas and those are so boring I want to scratch my eyeballs out. BUT. I went to the San Francisco Opera last week and saw Il Trovatore by Verdi and fell in love with opera and the musicians in the opera pit. It is definitely a new avenue of music performance that I had ruled out until now. (I love my job at the Symphony because I get free tickets to all kinds of amazing concerts at the Symphony, Opera, and Ballet - kinda makes up for my basically minimum wage pay).

2. I love British female singers. It started with Lily Allen's "Smile" that is just a great song. But right before this summer, I discovered Adele and now pretty much every night I listen to the Pandora station that runs her songs and ones like it. Other artists on that station include Amy Winehouse (see blog title), India Arie (okay, she's not British, but she's got great songs), Corinne Bailey Rae, and Feist. If you haven't heard Adele, go download Right As Rain, my personal fav.

I recently was talking with a friend, an ex, someone I have a lot of history with. He's really struggling with identity, purpose in life, and is just searching in general. While I could sympathize (I've totally been there and in some ways still am), I realized that I feel like I've finally reached a point in my life where I really know who I am and don't apologize for the way I think or act. This self-confidence is something that I've been working to build for a while and I find it funny that if you ask any of my friends in San Francisco, they'll tell you that I have a very strong and confident personality, whereas neither of those qualities would have been apparent in middle school or even high school. My confidence is great for me, but it's not exactly transferable to other people, hence the other reason for my blog title. I wanted to help this friend, but I just can't until he starts helping himself.

One of the main reasons I started blogging again is that one of the things I really long for in my life right now is to have one person that I can tell everything to. It would be really nice to just call someone and tell them about my day and just vent about the stupid things or to think out loud and have a sounding board. I get that from various friends and parents fairly frequently, but I'm just a social person and a talkative one at that, and to have the knowledge that there's someone that makes time for me out of their day and vice versa would be great. I guess I just want a relationship, but I want the companionship part of that more than any of the other perks.

There's tons more going on in my head, but there's only so much you can share in your first blog in over a year haha. If anything, it'll be good to see my blog name at the top of the list of recently updated blogs that you read, Christa.

Just for you, Megan

Okay, so an update on my life: Here goes.

This coming Sunday is my first graduate flute recital (4/20... yes, the jokes just go and go. Such as, 'gosh, I bet the flute sounds a lot better when you're high'... etc etc) . I've been so ready for months now, but it's the polishing that takes a lot of work and I go in productivity spurts. Last week I got really uber stressed out because I was dealing with working a lot, having my extended family come into town, gigs piling up, as well as very little rehearsals with my accompanist. However, everything is cleared up and while this week doesn't look any better, my outlook on it does.

I love Trader Joe's. Today I bought: two cheese platters, salami, a chocolate raspberry tart, two packages of cookies, crackers, and 7 bottles of sparkling juice for about $35. This is all for my reception after the recital, because everyone knows that's why you REALLY go to a recital.

I'm happy that my mom has taken the initiative to invite everyone she knows in San Fran to my recital, but goodness it has added a bit of stress to my life. Now I have a gaggle of superannuated ladies (you like that word? I just learned it a couple of days ago) that are going to pinch my cheeks and such. No, really they're really sweet ladies and they even did a dry run to make sure they knew how to get from the retirement home to downtown where my school is.

In other avenues of my life, I am moving out of my house at the end of May and hopefully moving into another place where I will only have to pay for utilities. It's a place that is owned by people that want to renovate and sell it, but the renovations are going slowly and they want people to occupy the place and potentially help out with cleaning and packing. I'm pretty much willing to make all kinds of sacrifices if they're saving me $700 a month.

The new Jonathan and I have had the undefined relationship for about 5 months now. We go in week-long spurts of being very flirty and spending lots of time around each other (conveniently when school is not in session. pure coincidence... hah.) only to be followed by a very confusing time of little communication and stand offishness. I swear, I find the guys that are charmers and that know how to just keep me hanging on to their every move whether they're really interested or not. I wish men and women didn't play games with each other. And I wish I could meet people outside of school, but it's really hard and dating someone that doesn't have the dedication to music that you do can sometimes be harder than dating someone that loves their instrument more than anything or anyone else.

I'm really ready for summer, in many ways. I'm a little sick of school and looking forward to a new year and also the weather is a tease here. At least in Santa Barbara I had gorgeous weather 95% of the time. Here, it was in the mid 70s for two days and then went back to low 60's the following day. Of course, the only respite I'll get is when I'm in Houston in July. I might as well just wear a swimsuit the whole time. I have so many grand plans for what I want to get done in school next year that I can't help looking forward to next fall. I know that that is a terrible way to look at things and I should savor my last few months as a first year graduate student, but I'm excited about the potential of a new start.

As this is most likely the only free time I'll have all week that is not spent eating or sleeping, consider this my long overdue update.

For some reason, no matter what time I get back to my house, it seems like I can't fall asleep before midnight. It's like that is the established bed time that everyone has and I can't go to sleep before then or I'd be a loser.

So much has happened, but I feel like it's all little insignificant day-to-day stuff. This weekend I watched the Duke game with my mom in a sports bar (that was weird. being with my mom the non alcohol drinking saint in a place where I normally at least get a drink. that's why you go to bars. duh) and worked a lot.

I actually knew Eve Carson, but not well enough to be super upset about the whole tragedy at Carolina. Enough to be really really sad for my alma mater and feel that little tug of sympathy with my fellow Tarheels no matter what the circumstance. School allegiance is a weird thing, something that I would never have expected from myself since I was never a big fan of any of the NC schools growing up, but now I am so proud to have come from UNC and have gotten the education that I did. Not to mention the friends ;)

Oh, Eve died on the anniversary of Ross' death. How appropriate and ironic that was. I still think about him a lot.

I got into a summer music festival that I applied for, Texas Music Festival, so it looks like I'm going to be living in Houston for a month, free of charge. The main reason I applied to this program was because it was completely free (except for the plane ticket down there) with all meals paid, etc. Plus there will only be 4 flutists there, which means I will get a ton of experience. I'm still waiting to hear from Brevard, but unless they offer me the same deal, Texas here I come!

I'm driving my mom to the airport tomorrow morning, bright and early. I was feeling a little sick earlier last week and it was so nice to have Mommy time. I'm such a little only child, but it's true. Plus she paid for my groceries and gave me free food. Alas, such gifts couldn't last.

When working a little prep student recital this weekend, they had a student not show up that they were going to present a bouquet of roses. So instead they called me on stage and wanted to thank me for being such a great stage manager (it was seriously one of the easiest ones I've ever worked. I only changed the lights for intermission. that was it.) and gave me about 2 dozen roses in some of the most glorious colors. So now my house is adorned in beautiful pinks and oranges and reds everywhere. I really want to post some pictures, but my camera's batteries are dead. alas.

And finally, my last thought of the night. I can see why American Idol is addicting. I already have my favorites and I watched all 2 hours tonight even though I should have been filling out my FAFSA. oh well.

It's been one week since you looked at me

I love the Barenaked Ladies. They just have happy music and it's fun to try to get all the lyrics right to that song.

Apparently my recoveries have a half-life. This actually only applies to two 'relationships' I've been in, but I like to think that it's a trend now. Today was the first day in a week that I've been truly and completely happy for no real reason other than I've just had a good day.

Perhaps it's also because I'm slightly caffeinated and I laughed for about an hour straight while eating lunch with some friends.

That's my update for now. Practicing and lessons have gone really well, I'm past my musical plateau. I've been working or going to recitals or gigging almost every night and so have gotten free food for dinner (which is excellent since I am reallllly out of money right now). The weather was gorgeous today and I walked home and got there right before it started to pour. I have a whole 3 hours to myself before I have to go back to school and I have time to cook dinner/lunch for tomorrow!

This good mood may not last, but I consider it a blessing right now.

Bad timing

Well, February has been interesting. First I didn't write because I didn't want to jinx all the good stuff happening to me by sharing it to early. When it went away, I didn't want to write because I was still bitter and I feel like it's been too long since I wrote.

The point is, I had a great relationship for about 2 weeks and then the guy broke it off with me for very valid reasons, but it still sucks. What sucks more is that we still really like each other, but it's just bad timing.

Story of my life.

So my emotions oscillate between bitter at life, happy for the time I did have, at peace with the turn of events, and extremely sad at losing someone so quickly after we had just started getting somewhere. grrrrrrr.

That's my news. I officially hate Valentine's Day and/or February because nothing good has ever come of this time of year (except for the one spectacular one sophomore year).

Celebrity sighting of the month: T.R. Knight of Grey's Anatomy came into Williams Sonoma on Saturday. It's so true that the camera adds weight because he looked normal-skinny, not slightly baby-fat chubby like on the show. I said hi, he said hi back. woo. And no, he didn't buy anything. loser.

San Francisco - 1, Amy - 0

It's days like today when the weather is beyond nasty that I really hate where I live.

This morning, it was pouring rain. But that's not all - oh no. The wind made it almost impossible to carry an umbrella because it would just turn it inside out and there was no point for an umbrella anyway because the rain was basically going sideways. So there I was, with an umbrella in hand (some habits are hard to break) a PAPER bag (what was I thinking???) full of my lunch and shoes to change into, and my school bag, walking 4 long blocks to the light rail station.

Of course, halfway there, my bag breaks, my lunch goes everywhere, my hair is a mess, my pants are plastered to my leg, and I can't carry my umbrella any more. Then my apple goes rolling down the street, I chase it only to find that I just barely missed the train and have to wait for the next one.

San Francisco won the fight this morning. Fortunately, I don't have to leave school until 10 pm and hopefully the rain will have let up a little by then.

Ego?

I'm reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and this passage really got me thinking about my perspective on my career as well as some other musicians that put everything else after music:

"[At the YMCA camp] they made a big ego thing out of the whole outdoor experience... It made the kids at camp much more enthusiastic and cooperative when they had ego goals to fulfill, I'm sure, but ultimately that kind of motivation is destructive. Any effort that has self-glorification as its final endpoint is bound to end in disaster"... "To the untrained eye ego-climbing and selfless climbing my appear identical. Both kinds of climbers place one foot in front of the other. Both breathe in and out at the same rate. Both stop when tired. Both go forward when rested. But what a difference! The ego-climber is like an instrument that's out of adjustment. He puts his foot down an instant too soon or too late. He's likely to miss a beautiful passage of sunlight through the trees. He goes on when the sloppiness of his step shows he's tired. He rest at odd times... He goes too fast or too slow for the conditions and when he talks his talk is forever about somewhere else, something else. He's here but he's not here. He rejects the here, is unhappy with it, wants to be farther up the trail but when he gets there will be just as unhappy because the it will be 'here.' What he's looking for, what he wants, is all around him, but he doesn't want that because it is all around him. Every step's an effort, both physically and spiritually, because he imagines his goal to be external and distant."

Sorry for the lengthy quote, but it just really hit me that I feel this way sometimes, that I'm never happy with where I am because I'm always looking in the future.

When is making goals okay and when is it more important to live in the present? I made a goal to get into conservatory, and now that I'm here I'm constantly comparing myself with my peers and feeling like I don't deserve to be here sometimes or that I'm way behind everyone else. Why can't I just be content with myself and the talent that I do have?

I'm not in a relationship and most of the time I want one, but when I do have a boyfriend/husband, will I want more? Will I always be wishing I could change this or that about the other person or second guessing myself?

Finally, and probably the most important question to be asking myself at this moment is, Why have I chosen music? Is it an ego-fulfillment thing, or do I really just want to do the most with the talent I've been given? Am I grateful for where it has gotten me so far?



As an aside, I really love the "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles that Tiff has on her blog. click here for the song. It's incredibly addictive and a good "female power" song.

Think before you post

Today I slipped up. I've been doing a lot better about not letting the stupid things get to me and today I wrote (an email) before I thought and felt stupid at the sending of it. I guess it just means I'm human and I'm learning.

I'm a far cry from the crazy jealous friend I was in high school and beginning of college, but I still need to just go with the gut instinct that says 'leave it alone' instead of the emotional instinct that says 'react fast before you know better'.

It all comes down to the fact that I have too much time on my hands. I know, I know. I just can't win; either I'm too busy to function or I don't know what to do with all my free time. I wish there was a way to combine the two. Alas.

Well, school starts in 2 weeks and hopefully I'll find better ways to occupy my time than to spend 5 hours on Facebook a day. (Just kidding, I actually got a lot done today including a trip to Target, practcing, a 3 mile run, and dinner with friends).

Couch potato (and old fogie) for a week

I had possibly the least exciting New Year's Eve in many, many years. My parents and I counted down the new year at 11:09 pm and then I stayed up and read until midnight. When everyone around our house made lots of noise for about 10 minutes and then fireworks went off for another 20 minutes after that, I was perturbed. Wow. What an old lady.

But you know what? It felt great! I didn't have any obligations and I didn't pretend to have an amazing time standing around outside freezing my tush off and proving that I know my numbers backwards as well as forwards.

I have truly enjoyed my time at home; I have been a complete vegetable and occasionally venture out into the real world, of course only to go shopping or meet up with friends. I have watched a movie every day and plan on watching another one today, or at the very least the basketball game (we're 13-0 right now! Go Heels!)

As soon as I get back to San Francisco tomorrow, the speed will be turned to medium-high and then come January 22, it'll be back to insanely fast. That's why I've had no problem whatsoever with all of the intense laziness. The other good thing about this vacation is that I really haven't stuffed myself silly with sweets and the like. Given, who would turn down seconds of home-cooked food? So I have a bit of pudge to work off, but nothing that has proven detrimental to my wardrobe.

Currently, I am "reading" 5 books although some more than others. I have The Time Traveler's Wife and Why Classical Music Still Matters on the front burners, with Running With Scissors, Love in the Time of Cholera, and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance on hold. The first one has me hooked and I've been reading 100 pages in a sitting, easily. The second is very philosophical - one of those books that you can only read 10 pages of before rereading and then mentally chewing it over before putting it down for a breather. I also read The Golden Compass in a few days and was intrigued enough to want to read the other two in the series.

Lastly, I have a new haircut that is not dissimilar to that of Posh Spice's aka Victoria Beckham. It's cute and fairly easy to take care of. Pictures to follow.

My mom and I watched a new version of Jane Eyre that the BBC did. If you like that story, then this is an amazing version, but it takes several liberties that I think work but are not true to the book. It's still 4 hours long, but worth it. I highly recommend it.

That's all for now.