Getting caught up

wow. it's been way too long since I last posted. there's no way that I can cover everything that has occured in the past week. I'll see if I can use bullet points...

• saw the fam in San Francisco, had an amazing Indian celebration dinner, had a good audition, would be totally psyched to go there.
• saw Jennifer Smith in Rochester, met the boyfriend, I give approval.
  
• Eastman audition - eh. I won't be surprised if I get a rejection letter. Honestly, there's probably only one opening and the teacher didn't seem that thrilled by my playing.
• saw snow for the first time this winter! it even snowed when I was there, which was fun.
• plane trips were fairly uneventful until yesterday and then I had a huge baggage fiasco which I don't care to go into in detail. Let's just say that USAirways got quite a lengthy complaint email from me.
  
• drove up from LA this morning just in time to see UNC crush Duke for one of the last (or the last) games of the regular season. I've never actually joined a tournament pool before and am curious to see how I will do on Facebook.
  
• i have an interview tomorrow for my potential second job. I really don't see any reason why they wouldn't hire me.
  
• it's good to be home - I'm looking forward to having somewhat of a normal schedule this week.
  
• I'm starting yoga and a much healthier eating regiment, as well as adding more exercise in general. To prepare myself for the day not too long in the future when I will be without a car, I'm going to walk to as many places as possible, including work whenever I know that I'll be returning in the daylight.
  
• A pipe broke in our house the day I left a week ago. It's just getting fixed tomorrow and I will have no water the whole day. *sigh* I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those 'you don't know what you have til it's gone' moments.
  
• It's March! This time next month I will be making graduate school decisions (and/or life decisions) ............. I still think worst-case scenarios and won't believe I have somewhere to go next year until I hold the letter in my hand.
  

Well, that's pretty much all that's been going around in my head for the past few days. I've been a mess what with mental evaluations of all of my auditions, trying to think about what music I want to play next, what the next few months hold for me, and getting back into the swing of things here.

Note to self: A large cup of coffee on an empty stomach when not used to caffeine is deadly. I've been feeling awful most of the day.

musings

I had some very random dreams last night: one involved a huge worm (see MIB II that I watched a couple of days ago) eating little by little a city that was built right over the ocean. I had to keep jumping from building to building. Then I had some friends visit and two were dating that I never would have expected. It was a little freaky.

It's so funny to me that I'm living in one of the most beautiful places on the west coast and I can only stand it for a few weeks at a time. I'm so excited to be leaving on Sunday!!

I get to see my parents the whole time I'm in San Francisco, which will make my audition/vacation even more fun, and then when I go to Eastman I get to see the fabulous Jennifer Smith (and her new boyfriend - I will be playing the 'you-need-to-gain-my-approval' friend).

On a similar note, Southwest is having a sale from LA to Denver for $79 one way... what thinkest thou, oh fellow red-headed kindred spirit?

I'm applying for a second job, but I'm in the middle of interviews and I don't want to say what it is in case I jinx it... but I will be really stoked if I get it.

I've been looking at cars, just because I will need one for three out of the five schools I've applied to and would really like to own my own car. The list includes:

Toyota RAV4
Toyota Corolla
Honda Civic
Mazda 3

I either want a cute little four-door that gets good MPG and is safe and reliable, or a mini-SUV of the same criteria. My dad really is pulling for the RAV4 just because it's higher up and supposedly safer that way. Toyota is supposed to be one of the best companies out there. I was looking at Ford Focus for a while, but no one puts it on their "best" lists. Sad/ironic that the ones that are are all foreign. But Toyota and Honda have done my family well, so I'll probably carry on the tradition.

All this means that when I drive up from LA next Saturday, I'm going to go test-driving!! I've never done that before! Another item to check off the "now I'm truly a grown-up" list.

With the discovery of Double Rainbow ice cream (sold in Trader Joe's - if you have one, go out right now and buy a whole pint of whatever flavor you want) and it's pure heavenly taste, along with my obsession with French, I thought this was appropriate:

Your Icecream Flavour is... French Vanilla!

You're a smooth and silky suave type! You exude class and you believe in tradition. A classical taste who doesn't like things to be too flashy or showy. Climb the Eiffel tower of taste with a spoonfull of you! Oui Oui!

What is your Icecream Flavour?

Find out at Go Quiz

Lazy? or enjoying life?

This beautiful Sunday morning all I have done is finish a chick book that never fails to make me cry so that the words become blurry, watched a movie, made a breakfast scramble from scratch, and sip green tea listening to some feel-good songs on the radio.

Some days I wonder if all this sitting around is laziness and whether I've been wasting my time in California. Given, I have progressed very far in my musical studies, but I'm not the musician that spends hours upon hours in the practice room. So what have I done with all of my spare time?

But every time that I start to berate myself, I realize that life could hit me square in the face any time soon with school, a family, or a career that is just around the corner. And then I'll look back on this year as a time to really get to know myself, have time to focus on what I want out of life, and become a stronger person. I feel like I've grown so much over the past few months. I've had a lot of life experiences that I'm ashamed of, but that have made me a whole lot stronger in my convictions.

I've also found the difference between spending time with people just to be social and spending time with them because they are really quality. In college, I was so spoiled because everyone that I surrounded myself with were quality people that shared my interests and were willing to be silly, honest, and spontaneous. When you're not in a school setting, it's so much harder to find people like that and it's even harder to find time to spend with them because of conflicting work schedules and the like. But on reflection, I have found a very few people that I turn to in different moods and situations: One I can vent to and who talks with me about any life decision with honesty, one I could spend hours talking to just because we share so many similar interests and outlooks on life, and one shares my love of Carolina basketball and can share memories of our beloved Chapel Hill.

However, there is this little ache for the old times, the old friends that shows up from time to time.

I also yearn for someone to share my everyday life with. Little things like all of the amazing dishes that I'm learning to make from scratch with whatever I have in the kitchen. I feel so accomplished and want someone to revel in my cooking genius. I want to be able to share stories from work, the nice couple that gave me a sip of their wine, or the lady that complained about me for 10 minutes. I'm learning so much about myself that I'm ready to share it because I finally feel good about the decisions I make (mostly), have learned to like me and all my quirks, and am a little sick of being alone most of the time.

I honestly think I was born in the wrong time period - I needed to grow up in the 1930s or 40s when girls were getting married at 19 or 20. But then I wouldn't be able to play my flute and I probably would be a cooking, baby-making, and cleaning machine. Blech.

*insert Hallelujah chorus*

Today is my day off. I have never been so excited about a day since probably Christmastime.

During the past two days, I have been on my feet for 24 hours and have been at my restaurant for 22 of those hours. And the really ironic part is that out of my 4 shifts, last night was the easiest and most fun for me. I only had 4 tables in my section, which meant that I didn't have to rush around like crazy and actually got to converse with the people that were out for Valentine's Day. And everyone was super nice.

However, by the end of the night, I was so bone tired that I fell asleep instantly. Of course, the fact that I stayed up til 4 am talking and had a heavy sedative helped the situation.

So my Valentine's Day was quite pleasant - even though almost everyone that I work with has a sig. other, we all went out afterwards and just hung out together. It was a nice sense of comradeship. Honestly, it was just another day for me and I really didn't feel like I was missing out on anything.

However, I did buy the cutest earrings for the occasion. They are long, dangly, red and white hearts and they look sweet with my all black. I got compliments all night ;)

I'm still a little groggy, so I don't have anything too intelligent or thought-provoking to post right now. Hurray for days off!!

photo op

After spending you-don't-want-to-know-how-long on this website, I felt the need to post the end result:

Me posing - as an M&M - in front of an ancient Mayan ruin in Belize, the country on the top of my to-visit list. I really wish I had shoes that color.

2 down, 2 to go

I am officially halfway through my auditions, with what is, in my mind, the two hardest left. But I have had very encouraging signs along the way that say that I am ready for whatever I may face in the next few weeks.

In my audition today, the professor echoed what the teacher at USC said, which was, in essence 'I think you're a good player and want to say that I will take you, but I can't commit since the auditions aren't over yet.' While this may sound flakey to anyone not in the music world, this is one of the biggest signs of encouragement. She even made sure that I knew she was serious because she added that she really doesn't like to say anything to candidates, but that I had "drastically improved." From either this summer or last year's audition, I'm not sure which.

Sorry, I'm not trying to toot my own horn. Au contraire, I'm trying to pump myself up for the two schools that would probably be my top two if I had to make a list of which I want to attend. But frankly, after being told most of my music life that I have potential but that I still need a lot of work, it's nice to actually have some of my work pay off.

I'm not counting any chickens yet though.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As my reward, I went out and saw a movie by myself. Since I had gone to the awards show that honored him at SBIFF, I figured I should go see Dreamgirls that was directed by Bill Condon. I really liked it! Very well acted, and although I understand star status, Jennifer Hudson really should have been one of the first shown in the credits instead of being listed after all the major stars with much more insignificant roles. But, she wasn't an actress before, so I understand. Wow, she totally deserves all these awards she's getting. Can anyone tell me why she's supporting actress and Beyonce is lead actress? Is it because of name recognition? But honestly, everyone did a great job. Eddie Murphy wasn't Eddie Murphy for once. In fact, I'm not sure he had a single comedic line.

Oh, and I cried at the end (well, got choked up and slightly teary which is saying a lot for me), so that's a sign of a good movie, since I'm a rock normally.

As a side note, I saw a sign in a bookstore that said:

"Don't judge a book by it's movie."

I thought that was pretty clever.

Is it just me, or do the two seem to go hand in hand a lot more often nowadays? It's like either movies are made from books that were bestsellers only the year before, or books are written based on movies. I can't walk into Borders any more without seeing a whole section called "In the Movies."

Vacation

Today marked the beginning of my mini-vacation and I'm very excited about the way that it has started out .


I finishe my lunch shift and ordered a chicken caeser salad which was exactly what I wanted. You know how important that is.

Then I came home and chilled out for a couple hours and then watched the Duke UNC game that was nerve-wracking and amazing all at once. We totally dominated in the second half and our comeback was so thrilling since the one and only time I ever watched a game was one of our three losses out of 23 games. My friend and I went to a bar and grabbed a drink to celebrate.

However.

The bar that we went to is known for making the stiffest drinks in town, and folks, I'm glad I love gin. Because that's basically all that was in my drink. With a touch of tonic and some lime juice. A good 6 oz. of gin. Yeah.

Then I went to my friend, Bri's party in her room for having finally cleaned it after 6 months. It looks beautiful. I had two very stiff White Russians and we "watched" Lost and South Park and then retreated upstairs to debate everything from gossip at work, to yoga, to how we've changed from high school. It was a great night. And I met their cute (boy) roommate who happens to work as an architect and who I got to share my newfound love of The Fountainhead with.

I'm leaving for LA, then Austin tomorrow. I love to fly! I love vacation!

My bad, Apple doesn't make minis anymore. But a nano would be just as cool and it can still hold up to 2,000 songs. And I could get it in electric blue.

A rough day

Today was just one of those days that, as my co-worker so succinctly put it, I wish I hadn't gotten up.

My brain was totally not in gear at any point in the day and I would constantly catch myself hanging up clothes that were dirty, driving down a street without paying attention, and staring off into space. It's like I was on auto pilot but my brain forgot to start the engine.


It started out as a so-so day. Not bad, not good.

I sounded okay (flute-wise), but not spectacular and I really couldn't convince myself to buckle down and work on something. My workout was okay, but I didn't really feel great afterwards. I went food shopping and only got necessary stuff, which is always boring. (Let me insert what an amazing store Trader Joe's is ... I got my week's worth of groceries for $13. But then again, I'm leaving town on Thursday, so that's not fabulous).

Then the day got progressively worse.

Folks, I've had two deaths in my life in the past 5 hours. Don't get too concerned, they're not people or anything.

My mom called me after work and told me that our oldest cat, Molly, had died this morning. Apparently my dad sent me an email telling me because he couldn't even get on the phone to tell me. She lived a very full life - she was 13 - and I was sort of expecting it just because she hasn't been looking great the past few times I've been home. In fact, I think I'm okay about it, but I'm really concerned about my dad. Literally this is like losing a child for him. If you've had a pet die that was like a family member, then you understand. She was so spoiled by him and could get away with anything. Add to that the fact that he's alone b/c my mom is in San Francisco and you can imagine what he's going through. I wish I could hop a plane just to be there.

The second death was tragic as well. Actually, they're on two completely different planes so I'm not even going to compare them. My iPod's hard drive crashed. This implies clicking noises and a screen with a picture of an iPod that has crosses for eyes and a tongue sticking out. I'm not kidding. There's nothing I can do b/c it's not on warranty anymore and a new hard drive would cost about half as much as a new iPod. I've been contemplating getting a mini instead since they apparently only last for 2 years anyway and I'll never be able to fill up an iPod like the one that died in 2 years. I just don't listen to that much music, but the stuff I do listen to is really important. I use that thing daily... grrrrr.

The only good parts of my day were that I got a bonus on my check that I wasn't expecting and that I made some money at work tonight and got to keep it all since I was the only one working.

I'm hoping that tomorrow will be an improvement...

No Al Gore in sight

I'm sooooo ready for bed. But I feel like blogging because I'm on that very fine line between awake and comotose. Well, really I blame it on the Red Bull and vodka that was my first drink of the evening/morning.

It is so easy to just walk into parties if you know the right ones to go to. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a crasher, but if I was, the one I was working at would have been perfect. Just dress in black and say that you're catering or with the caterers and BAM you're in! It worked for me... except I was with them. But man, a party with free food and apps is the place to be around 12:30 because everyone is leaving and the alcohol is flowing freely. Oh gosh, now I sound like an alcoholic. I'm at the point where I'm ready to delete my entry, but I think it will be much more entertaining this way.

I spent the night passing food, saying/yelling over and over what I was serving, and flirting with the cute boys that can afford $2000 tickets to get them into parties such as this. The VIP room was a joke or at least I didn't know any of them, but I think I saw Steven Spielberg. Not sure though.

My chef is known for drinking on the job, so when he asked me to get him two drinks, I was not surprised. I was surprised when he hands one to me and one to another girl I work with and says, Cheers. I'm starting to like this grizzly bear man more and more. He's a grizzly bear b/c he's gruff on the outside and hard to get to know, but really is just a teddy bear.

Oh gosh, I'm rambling. I think I just need to go to bed. Well, fun reading. Or deciphering. Actually, I'm typing pretty well. Good night!

I smell like Pina Coladas. Sweeet. Literally.


I am having major problems motivating myself to practice this week. I need to keep reminding myself that just because I had a good audition doesn't mean that I actually got in. Also, I just made a reservation for renting a car in Texas and will be spending an extra $80 not to mention gas down to L.A. So that's some good motivation right there - it'd be really great if I didn't spend all that money for nothing.

Instead I've been baking, cooking, getting my tax return together, and working out to avoid practicing. Oh, add to that blogging. I'm going, I'm going, but I'm not going willingly quite yet...

A lovely night

Well last night was probably the best night I'll have this week.

First, I got dressed to the nines and may I say, damn I looked hot. Proof:



















My roommate lent me her very chic wrap, so I had to get a full-length view too:
Sorry, it's sorta dark but hopefully you get the picture. hardy har har.
I felt very VIP as I flashed my Platinum Pass and they let me and my friend right in, where we waited for 30 minutes before the program even started. Oh well, it's the concept of being able to get right in that counts, right?

The program was cool (but no screening of Dreamgirls since this guy, Bill Condon, was being honored for his life's work basically.) There were film montages and an interview for about an hour w/ the director. I didn't know it, but he also did Gods and Monsters, Chicago, and a movie I hadn't heard about but really want to see now, Kinsey with Liam Neeson. It was neat to see the array of genres he has worked in and get to hear his insights as an up-and-coming director, but someone that hasn't hit full stardom yet.

Two of the Dreamgirls (the other two besides Beyonce) gave him the award and both were featured in some clips. Um, if you haven't heard Jennifer Hudson's voice yet, go out and see the movie. I'll be right behind you. Her voice is INCREDIBLE. We're talking blowtheroofoff, mirrorshatteringinagoodway amazing. She's the one that was voted off American Idol and is sure showing them who's boss.

This is the three of them. Sorry, guys, I'm a little star happy.














Then came the after party. Of course no one famous was there b/c I'm sure they were at some super secret after party, but I am not one to pass up free drinks and food. Again, I was waved in with my pass as I made my way up the red carpet (probably the only one I'll ever walk on, haha). Once inside, I was bombarded with delicious food and an open bar. Can life get better? Apparently it could. As we were walking around, we discovered a third level to the venue and suddenly we were in a paradise of desserts and free massages. Oh, that wasn't it though - oh no - there were also free products to just take at will. So I loaded up on shea butter that smelled of pina colada and lotion that smelled of pink champagne (not really, it was sorta flowery).

You know when you go get a manicure and the best part is the hand massage? Well, that's what I got for 5 minutes. haaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Feeling relaxed, full, and happy, my friend Patty and I felt like it was completely appropriate to duck out at 12:15. I went to bed a pampered girl. I like this treatment, but I think I could get sick of it after a while, or at least grow to not appreciate it as much.

Dreamgirls

I'm on a blogging roll - I guess I just have a lot to say recently.

Well my news for today is that my manager decided to give me not only a 4 Film Pak to see 4 movies at the Film Festival, but she also gave me her two Platinum Passes to go to an awards show tonight. The show is honoring Bill Condon, the director of Dreamgirls (which I haven't seen - I hope they have a showing before they give him the award). So I'm going w/ one of my friends here and we get priority admittance as well as admittance to the party afterward w/ free booze and food.

SWEET ACTION!!!

I'm sure I will have much to share tomorrow.

Mrs. Dalloway

On days like today when it is nasty, wet, and cold, the only appropriate thing to do is stay inside and read by the fireplace and watch movies.

I did most of the above, but since I am too lazy and poor, there was no fireplace, or at least no fire in the fireplace.


Book You Should Read
The Bookseller of Kabul by Asne Seilerstad

Wow - if you want a really good look at everyday life in Afghanistan, but can't handle straight up news like me, this is a good start. It's written as 'fiction,' but it's actually completely non-fiction and it's so interesting to read about a completely different culture and their sets of morals and social world. Talk about realizing how lucky we are as women in America and how amazing it is that we actually get to marry people that we love, and on our own time. Can you imagine marrying someone the age of your grandfather and being expected to feel blessed?
What I like in particular about this book is that it doesn't try to isolate all the differences between 'them' and 'us.' It just naturally shows them by telling stories of everyday events.

(As a side note, I really love this whole not having school and having all the free time in the world to read books that I've wanted to read for a long time. By reading the 'classics' I feel academic and by reading them on my own time, I feel indulgent.)

Movie You Should See
The Hours, with Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, and Nicole Kidman.

Not only are those three women some of the most talented actress I know, but they're surrounded by an amazing cast. I've stated previously that I love movies that follow real time and this is another wonderful example. It just follows three women in three different decades through one day in their life and they're all connected and all almost simultaneous. The symbolism is so poignant and yet subtle at the same time and some expected outcomes and some unexpected.
Philip Glass did the score and I have to say that the music really completed the movie - constantly shifting, but keeping the same undertone and always a little uncomfortable, like you're feeling the uncertainty of each of the women even though they have such a perfect facade. (Incidentally, I think he was also listening to a little too much Counting Crows because I distinctly heard the opening of "Colorblind" at several points.)
Can I go back to how amazing the acting was? Nicole Kidman was a completely different person! Her voice was deeper, not so silky, and she fit perfectly every single aspect of her character. Meryl Streep has proven again and again that she can fill any role given to her and this was no exception. Julianne Moore had probably the hardest role because she never spoke her thoughts - so she had to show everything on her face and yet we knew exactly how she was feeling and the agony that she was going through. Ed Harris and Toni Collette had shorter roles, but no less deep and in fact might have been more complicated because they had to convey so much emotion in such a short amount of time.
The only thing I didn't really get was the whole lesbian theme. I mean I got that it was a theme, but I didn't understand the connection. Perhaps they all didn't feel like they fit in and felt conflicted because they were torn between two worlds in so many different ways?

This definitely needs to stay in my movie collection. I have a feeling I could see it over and over and still get so much out of it.

Girl Meets Boy Meets World

That was my semi-coma induced attempt at a relevant and witty blog title.

I can't believe that 14 hours ago I was in an audition in L.A. - this day has got to be one of the longest in history.

So, really quickly: I drove from L.A. today to go to work at 4:30. Right now Santa Barbara is in the middle of an International film festival with some big names. I thought that there's likelihood that I will see someone famous and should look good at all times when working. Of course, I was so tired that I didn't really care tonight and just threw something together. And wouldn't you know it, but I waited on Rider Strong and his girl date. (For those of you not in the know, Rider Strong played Shawn in 157 episodes of Boy Meets World and yes I did look that up on IMDB.)

Shawn was the guy that every middle school girl had a crush on and Corey was just the cute boy next door. I had a major crush on Shawn and like to watch the high school episodes more just b/c he's at least dateable at that age instead of a little 13-year-old. Fortunately for me, Rider is too short for me to want to date, you know, because I'm sure he now wants to ditch his date and come back to the restaurant looking for my tore-up self.

So that's my little brush with celebrity. Woo hoo. I can even tell you what they ordered... haha.

I just like that about two months ago that other guy came in from the show - it's like they abound in Santa Barbara or something. Anyway. It was my highlight of the evening.

Oh, and I changed my blog again. Christa was right - it was too green before. I think I like it better this way, but don't be surprised if it changes again.

Comments?

I felt like my blog needed a makeover. Like it? There were wayyyy too many choices of colors and stuff on the template. It was like being in the Cheesecake Factory and trying to decide which flavor to have - near impossible.

Headed south

Well, I'm on my way to L.A. this morning. I just had to post because the trip is already off to a good start.

Yesterday was amazing. I:

• got off work incredibly early
  
• ate at a cheap and delicious Indian buffet (haven't gone since Chapel Hill, seriously) with my friend Hilary
• talked on the phone for an hour with someone I love
• wrote my final cadenza
• had quality roommate time
• had a whole conversation in Spanish with the sous chef

Today I:

• got up early
• will make myself some tea before leaving
• found that people have commented on my posts after all!!! I just had to 'moderate' them, which I had no idea I had to do. So now I've fixed it so that I can see them right away, but it was like Christmas because I had 14 comments from all you lovely people in one sitting. It was fabulous.
  

Social status

My social life has been nil recently. My days have been 'practice, practice, go listen to music or play for someone, work, yoga' in some order. And actually because of yoga, sometimes 'eat' doesn't get in there b/c you're not allowed to eat for three hours before the class. I feel like I've been fasting for days, since I'm so used to being able to eat whenever I want to.

So I'm taking off time from yoga because I want my body to feel normal again - I want to crave food, I want to not be sore, I want to not be insanely tired every day, and I want to sleep and eat normally.

But back to the social thing: I'm a very social person - I've been getting home and hanging out with my roommates just because I need someone to talk to at the end of the day. I haven't seen any of my friends this week, our schedules always collide which sucks. (Oh, and the boy and I are over. If you really want details, you can call me.) Actually, you can call me anyway because I need to talk to lots of people over the next couple days because 1. I will be driving for 2 hours down to L.A. and back again, 2. I'll need to hear some friendly voices before my audition on Saturday, and 3. I haven't talked to any of you in so long! But we both know that I will probably end up calling you (collectively) because I am almost always the initiator. It's okay - I like it most of the time.

I'm blogging right now solely because I ate way too much for lunch and I can't move a single step from my bed just yet.

I've tried this new thing called bikram yoga - it's yoga done in a room that's like 110 degrees and by the end of it, you've drunk an entire bottle of water simply because you had to to replace all the water you lost sweating. It's super intense. I think I like it because every day is a new challenge for me, like today I got there and was just not into it because I was so tired, so it took a lot of concentration just to stay focused on each move. Also, a lot of the positions are really uncomfortable, which is sort of the opposite of what most people think of when they think yoga, but the instructor said that this just means that my body is getting stronger. So I just paid for an introductory period and then I can decide if I like it enough to drop my gym and just do this.

I played in studio last night for the last time before my audition this weekend and it went so much better than last week (thankfully). I feel almost ready and I've certainly been working on the 'mental games' aspect doing everything I can to just center my thoughts and really concentrate on why going through this process again. It really comes down to the fact that I love music with my whole being and nothing gives me more joy. It's been really interesting to see the results when I simply think about the word 'joy' when I play. No kidding - it has made a world of a difference, I think because it gives me the confidence and reminds me why I love to play.

Okay, I think the food has settled now.

Growing gains

I take joy in the really simple things in life. Things that I feel some people just take for granted, like it just never occurs to them to be happy about.

This week, I made a breakthrough in two parts of my life (in very miniscule ways) that proved to me that I've officially flown the nest. One was making a dish from scratch just the way I wanted to make it - I altered the recipe according to what I liked or didn't like and no one else had to eat it. Silly, I know, but it made a world of a difference to me. At my house, my mom has cooked and I've had to pick out those vicious mushrooms or gag on them in my attempts to make peace with them. But victory was mine as I prepared a spinach lasagna with no mushrooms and no ricotta cheese (I've always wondered what lasagna would be like without the gross ricotta cheese). My little experiment turned out marvelously and I plan to follow it with many more.

The second occured tonight when I couldn't sleep and decided to get up and do something productive instead of lying still wondering when I would drift off. To some this is a very normal practice, but in my childhood, everyone went to bed and no one got up in the middle of the night so I just assumed that's how things were and you would fall asleep eventually. Ah, but the joys of having my own place and not worrying about disturbing anyone should I not be able to sleep! Being up and typing away and just having extra time to think has been so amazing that I won't even feel grumpy when I have to wake up at 8:30 to go to yoga. Plus, I'm going to yoga. We're not talking anything strenuous here.

On another note, I'm getting really nervous about my auditions coming up. I've been coming up with all sorts of things that I can do to get ready, one of which being to play in front of as many people as possible in the next few days. The other is to ask for the prayer of any and all that read my blog. I got a fun little note the other day letting me know that more people read this than I thought. You would never know it from the lack of comments ;) hehe. But getting back to the prayer thing: I am working on having self-confidence and the ability to show my passion, love, and joy of music to the people that I have to play for. Because when it comes down to it, that's why I do what I do and I let these auditions get in the way mentally of the real reason sometimes. So any support in that endeavor is greatly appreciated.

News

I just heard from the one school that I sent a preliminary tape to in Houston and I didn't get to the live audition. This makes me completely heartbroken and wholly determined at the same time. I vascilate between the two almost every other minute.

I'm just having flashbacks to last spring and I really really don't want that to happen again. I lost my faith in God, myself, and the world of music for a while and it took a whole year to get most of that back.

How's that for honesty?

It was the best of intentions, it was the worst of intentions

For some reason, I've only posted recently when I've been feeling insecure or depressed. Probably because when I feel like this way, at least someone's listening to me, even if it's not like callinga friend up and venting.

Today I was supposed to go out with the boy again and he hadn't called by the afternoon so I said screw it, I'm not going to wait by the telephone and called someone from work that I knew was sick and had to work that night and asked if he wanted me to fill in for him. I told myself that by going in I could 1. earn money, 2. flirt with the cute bartender, 3. help out a sick friend, and 4. show someone that they couldn't just call me whenever. Well.

I made no money, the bartender flirted with the other waitress the whole night, I felt lousy, and no one ever called. My intentions were somewhat good for helping out my friend, but I knew as well as you that that wasn't the main reason that I went into work and I got screwed for it.

Now I'm sitting at home, alone at 9:30 at night and feeling depressed and lonely. Haha, this is beautiful California, folks. Actually, I'm sure the cold weather isn't helping much and I'm really just being moody, but it certainly hasn't been the best day.

And I have an important recital tomorrow. Well, I'll just make sure to wake up on the right side of the bed this time.

Monday blues

Yes, I know for the rest of the world today is Friday which is generally a day of rejoicing, but I've had a crazy schedule this week with one day on, one day off, so yesterday might as well have been my Sunday. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today because I'm just feeling sad.

But, I have seen some great movies recently and they're all awesome for completely different reasons.

Movie A: Little Miss Sunshine
I was a little scared since it was hyped up so much, but it totally lived up to my expectations. Not only was the acting amazing, but the way that it was filmed was so original. I'm not sure I've ever seen a movie where they purposely don't show you the actors faces when they're having a conversation, but it was a really cool way to shoot it. Toni Collette rocks my world - she's one of those really versatile actresses that just takes whatever role she's given and put her whole self into it. The guy that played Dwayne was probably my second favorite, simply because he was so perfect as the angsty teenager. I also really liked the real time footage like at the beginning where they're all sitting down to dinner. It makes it feel like you're actually a part of the story as opposed to just seeing a series of events. Does that make sense? Anyway, I really liked it.

Movie B: Cars
What can I say? I love Pixar. Toy Story, Finding Nemo, the Incredibles are all on my list of favorites. I just think of how much time those creators put into making every second of film. Not to mention all of the little jokes that fly by if you're not catching them. Even the flies in this movie were cars and all of the towns had something to do with cars or roads. You would forget for a second that these were cars with no limbs or opposable thumbs or faces really. Makes you wonder how those lights get turned on an off... Okay, so the story was a little cheesy, but what do you expect from Disney? The animation and all the minute details in every single frame made it totally worth it.

Movie C: The Constant Gardener
I actually haven't finished this movie yet because I was exhausted last night and had to turn it off. But so far, the acting is incredible and it's so neat to see the film shot in a real village in Africa. I feel like other films take the 'best' parts of Africa and portray them as the slums. But the way this one is done makes it feel almost like a documentary. I'm getting a little lost in the dialogue, which is unfortunate since it's not the kind of movie that has a cut and dry plot. We'll see how the ending turns out.

In other news, I'm reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. SUCH a good book. I'm only about 200 pages into it, but I really like it. So if no one has started 100 years of Solitude, I suggest this one instead. The characters are so tangible and it's extremely well written. You have to like architecture or some sort of art form to feel the plight of the main character though.

Thoughts on salespeople

I just got back from a "meeting" with a Mary Kay consultant (aka my friend, Shivhan) and her regional manager. They tried so desperately to get me to join 'the team.' While I want to make extra money, here are the reasons why I just can't right now:

- I am living from paycheck to paycheck - I just don't have an extra $100 just lying around.
- I'm not a gambler. I can't put down $100 and hope that I'm going to get it back in the first couple sales that I make.
- I have some incredibly important auditions coming up. Like, they're sort of deciding the rest of my life. Gulp.
- Practicing, travelling, getting in shape, and working are consuming all of my time right now.

Okay. So I have this whole schpiel ready to give to them when I meet for coffee. Here's why I'll probably be a new consultant come March:

- I don't sell stuff unless I believe in it, and I really really like their products. They last a long time and they work. Enough said.
- I'm a pretty good sales person, when it comes down to it, but only if I believe in the products.
- I have a good network of girl friends and older professional women that I come into contact with every day. Plus I have the lovely people that read my blog that just might want to buy some makeup ;)
- I'm moving to a new city (hopefully) next fall and it would be a great way to meet new people.
- Those darn ladies are so persuasive.

No, but seriously, they're persuasive because they really believe in it and because they get a commission off of everything that I sell. Haha. And I'm going to have so much free time after my auditions that I'm not going to know what to do with myself. Why not make some extra money? So keep a look out for a new Mary Kay seller in a couple months :)

I'm going to go watch Little Miss Sunshine now (if Blockbuster has it) - I'm stoked since I've heard it's really good and I haven't had a chance to see it until now.

I hate it when I'm wrong.

But don't we all?

I hate it when I get excited about something a little too early and whatever plans I've made fall through. I hate it when I misjudge someone's reliability only to find out that they are a flaker, or worst of all when I don't see someone for the true friend they could be. Well, I'm working on it.

I truly believe that when I broadcast something new and exciting in my life before it has time to settle that it jinxes it. I'm not a superstitious person and I think usually it's a bunch of baloney, but this is my main motivation in not thinking about where I could be next year and getting excited about a certain city or school. I'm just trying to take it one step at a time.

Today in church I was really struck with the idea that there's no reason for me to be nervous about my auditions because wherever I end up is my right place, as much as I think that I don't want to be stuck here next year. I could never ever have forseen living in Santa Barbara this year and all the amazing stuff that would happen (my parents say that I will never get an apartment this good anywhere else I go ... I'll just have to prove them wrong ;) ). And to think that last March, I was sobbing because things didn't go my way. *Sigh* Trusting is alway such a hard lesson to learn.

Dropping like flies

Okay, I have to start with the self affirmation that I have plenty of time, no rush.

I just got a call from one of my friends from my study abroad program (Spring 2005, only 1 1/2 years ago) that is now engaged. I thought I could get used to this by now, but no, I was wrong. I mean, I'm totally happy for her, but literally when we were hanging out in France, she and I were on the same page with boys - we hadn't really dated seriously and weren't expecting anything in the near future. And now she's engaged. Gah!!

I have plenty of time, I have plenty of time, I'm only 21, I'm only 21.

I've found someone that calls when he says he will and is still taller than me (but not freakishly so) even when I wear my cute 4-inch-heeled boots. Financially stable and mid 20's. Even if this doesn't last too long, I'm a happy girl.

Today was my Saturday and I went for a great hike in the morning, chilled out and read books and visited with my roommate who's finally back (!), then went out for sushi and got a goodnight kiss. Does life get any better?

I think that pretty much sums it all up right now.

Estudio el espanol

My mom got me this "Learn Spanish in 10 minutes a Day" book and I love it. Of course I still can't understand the people in the kitchen, but at least I have some words that I can use now to talk to them. Like buenos dias... haha just kidding I knew that before the book.

Well my New Year's Eve was far from memorable, but it was fine and I made some money and the evening was far from stressful, so I guess that's all good. Somehow my body wanted to wake me up at 8 this morning even though I went to bed at 3. I should be on West coast time now and not sure why I'm not. Stupid internal clock.

I'm feeling very lethargic today and I think it's okay because nothing is open and no one is working, so it's a lay low day. Time to write thank you notes I guess; I always try to avoid them until the last minute but since I have some down time, it would be good to get them done.

The teacher from USC wrote me an email basically saying that he loved my playing, my plans for the future, my outlook on music, etc. and would like to work with me but he can't make any guarantees given that he has no idea who else is going to audition in a couple weeks. Fair enough, and still very exciting/encouraging! This is the guy that has told some people that they should pick a new career... haha.

Well now you know all of the mundane things on my mind. I'm going to stop wasting time in front of the computer.

Happy New Year (almost)!

I know that I will be far too tired tomorrow night to even bother to post anything, so this will be my last entry of the year 2006. It's been quite a while since I've written and I feel like so much has happened. I hope I can put it into bullets.

- my first audition is 4 weeks away. I feel like I have so much work to do to get ready for it, and yet I feel so much more prepared than I've ever felt.
- I really don't want to be working tomorrow since I desperately want to be in Charlotte or anywhere fun, but I'm consoled by the fact that the staff will most likely be just as tipsy as our customers come midnight.
- Santa Barbara is lonely since most people don't have school for another week or so and none of my roommates are back and certain boys haven't been in the same town as me for about 3 weeks now. We're gonna have to start all over again. Well, fitting for a new year I guess.


None of this is really expressing how I feel right now and I'm not sure why. I think mainly my mind is still back in North Carolina even though I fell very succinctly back into my routine here. It's like I got a taste of what life could be like if I was in familiar surroundings with the people that I love (college, anyone?) and I want to hold onto it even though I'm so proud of myself for what I've established in California. It makes me wonder if I wouldn't have just been better off just being home for like 3 days and not being able to see anyone but my family. But that's just silliness :)
I'm trying to tell myself that it's 11:30 at night and not 2:30 am like my body wants to believe. At least I had one day to get used to the time change before working an 11 hour shift. Sheesh.

I already have resolutions, but they're things that will aid me in preparation for the next two months of craziness. Just being more disciplined about my time, basically. I did really well today and didn't have any down time that wasn't well spent except for tonight when I got back from work and that is totally allowed chill out time. I went to the gym, the grocery store, unpacked, put Spanish labels on everything in the house, practiced, showered, cooked lunch and dinner, and still got to work by 4:30. I'm so awesome. haha.

Please call me tomorrow night. I have a feeling I'm going to be bored out of my mind. What 3 people handled tonight will be 10 people with the same amount of customers tomorrow night. I like to feel loved ;)

Done with finals!

Okay, so I obviously didn't have any finals, but the sense of relief I feel after my last shift for a whole 10 days is pretty much the same feeling as the one I got at Christmas vacation time at school. I now actually have time for myself and getting all my loose ends tied up before I leave on Tuesday.

Reasons I'm Happy:
1. I just bought myself (yes, I couldn't resist one reward for myself even at Christmas time) the James Taylor Christmas CD. It's awesome. Let me know if you want a copy.
2. I'm done with work until Dec. 29th
3. I'm going to make some extra Christmas money babysitting tomorrow.
4. I finished all my recording today!
5. I get to start packing tomorrow
6. It's actually cold out today making the whole Christmas time thing feel more real.
7. Did I mention I love James Taylor?
8. I bought the final gifts on my Christmas list.
9. The countdown to going home has really begun!!

That's all.

2 1/2 hours in the salon

I'm not sure I've ever spent that long in a beauty place, but I did it today. The result? Beautiful darker/redder hair and a cute cut. All for a very cheap price - somehow I always seem to have friends that are hairdressers. I love love love my new color.

Soooo I have a new hairdo, the date went really well and there was no doubt of a second one and work has kept me really busy with fabulous compensation. Gee, life is just great, by golly!

Next Thursday could really not come any sooner though. I'm so stoked to go home that I feel the need to talk about it in every single blog that I post.

I'm working a double tomorrow, so I really need to go to bed. Good night!

Provided the world does not end, I don't get hit by a meteor, or fall down dead during my lunch shift, I actually have a date tomorrow.

I know, I had to read that sentence twice too.

So the week is looking up. I'm having dinner tomorrow, then a haircut and dye Wednesday (don't think I'm a copycat, Christa, but I might get some red tinges - not sure), and 6 shifts this week. I normally work 4, so I think my manager is making me pay for the fact that I'm going to be gone for 10 days. But really, I'm just grateful for all the extra holiday party stuff. Hm I wonder if we're going to have a holiday party for the restaurant...

Then I leave for LA on next Tuesday and I just have a little bit more of recording to do. These next few days are going to fly by and I'm so glad.

My new resolution: don't hang out with the people at work any more. It's not worth it and I have many more things to be doing with my time than waste it on people that don't appreciate me and that don't share my interests or values. So there. And I've been pretty good at keeping most of my resolutions - sort of. Instead of working out a lot I'm just eating better, so it all balances out in the end (haha no pun intended).

No Target? No Problem!

Well, at least for Christmas shopping.

I have very consistently bemoaned the fact that there is neither a Target or a Wal-Mart in Santa Barbara. The former has really good gifts for cheap and the latter has all your household needs for cheap. However, I discovered that this is a substitute for cheap gifts when wanting to go to a one-stop store.

I was planning on getting a few presents for people yesterday and ended up nearly completing my list for this year all at: Borders. We all know how amazing Borders is and I believe that both Megan and Christa worked there (or did you work at Barnes and Noble, Megan?), but I never thought that I could get everything for everyone in one go and for quite a good deal too.

So now I have this recording for Rice to worry about and a lesson down in LA, two big obstacles that stand in the way of me and North Carolina. I'm so excited to go home, I can't even say. I miss Charlotte, I miss my home, I miss winter, and I miss having real friends that I can call up anytime that want to see me.

I hung out with my co-workers last night and I realized that they're really not my friends. Sure, we get along, but I don't feel like I'm contributing anything significant to the group. And the thing is that I'm not that torn up about it - I know that they're not the kind of people that I want to really be friends with anyway. So why do I continue to hang out with them? I guess because most of them don't have school to worry about, which my actual real friends in Santa Barbara do. So the people that I should spend quality time with I see maybe once every couple weeks, and the ones that I shouldn't I stay out late with and wake up in the morning wondering why I didn't just stay home. My problem is that I'm such a social person that I have no will power to just go straight home from work.

I have a major recording session tonight with my accompanist! Aack! I'm going to need a nap before then...

I've gotten into the Christmas spirit early. My mom didn't want me to feel left out of all the decorating stuff at home, so she bought me a mini tree and mini ornaments. It's so cute! (If you can't tell, it's about a foot tall, max.)

Spoke too soon

Well, I shouldn't have really complained about going out because I totally made up for it last night by staying out until 5 in the morning. The problem was that I didn't have my watch on and I set down my purse with my phone. I was with some cool people from work that I've never really hung out with before and we went to a bar after work, then to someone's house to play some pool. I just lost track of time...

Now I'm running on 4 hours of sleep and I have a super important rehearsal and lesson today. After I cried in my last lesson, this is the week to redeem myself. Of course I was emotinally unstable at that point and I blame it on my body. Tonight will be different.

Just in case you wanted to know or if you ever find yourself having to give pointless trivia statements, I heard that 70% of American money has cocaine on it in some miniscule amount. Makes me think twice about the $1 bill that I just found on the street. Of course, this has not been proven or tested, but still an interesting fact nonetheless. Ah, what I learn around my co-workers. Let's just put it this way: If I'm 30 and still working as a waitress, shoot me.

Hm, that's all I have for now.

In on a Saturday night

Last night I was exhausted even though I had a lot of fun people to hang out with. So I left early and didn't socialize much. Tonight I'm feeling very cute (gotta take those moments when you can get 'em) and all of my friends are busy or unavailable. Grr. Even my roommates are gone and so the house is empty and I have all this space to myself. This would be good on any other evening than when I'm feeling energetic and social. Alas - perhaps the stars will realign soon.

A little afternoon fun

Which celebrity do I look like the most? I'm reminded of a certain TV show that actually had Emmy Rossum in it, although I think we ended up saying that she would play Elisabeth.

getting the routine back

I loved having my parents here and all, but with having to entertain them for a week straight as well as my period coming, I was an emotional wreck for the past two days. I cried about running out of gas, for crying out loud. Sheesh. BUT. I dropped them off at the LAX airport and had an uneventful drive back up the coast and am now sitting in a newly cleaned room with a car full of gas, groceries, and all of my toiletries completely replenished.

The best part of today was going to Wal-Mart. Sam Walton must love me right now because he has achieved his goal of making every American dependent on his store for daily needs. I had a list a mile long of stuff that I wanted to get at Wal-Mart when I made the trek down to LA. See, Santa Barbara is so snobby that they've decided that they don't want a Target or a Wal-Mart within 30 miles of the city. I'm not kidding... I have to drive that far for civilization. *le sigh* So being in the store for half an hour today was like a big sigh of relief. And I have an endless supply of toilet paper. Hallelujah.

My mom bought me some new shoes for work called Hushpuppies and they're supposed to be really comfortable. How come the really comfortable ones always take forever to break in and the crappy ones are comfortable until 2 months into wearing them? So I'm in the midst of breaking mine in and my feet are not happy with me for standing in the shoes for 7 hours straight.

Among my daily errands was getting a library card and I'm super psyched about this book club. Perhaps I will read some before I go to bed even though exhausted is not a strong enough word for how I feel right now.

The 'rents

So I've disappeared from the blog world for a while because my parents have been in town. I have to say though, this is a nice step in the whole visiting thing - I have my own place where they are the guests and I get to show them around. It's been really great to do stuff and then have my own room to go chill in. So it's actually been extremely pleasant the entire time.

These holidays are some of the times that I most enjoy being an only child. My parents miss me and thus feel obligated to 'treat' me every time that they see me because I have now flown the nest. So yesterday my mom and I went clothes shopping and today she feels compelled to buy my groceries, gas, and new shoes for work. Of course, the new phase in life is also indicated by my extreme excitement and gratification that my parents are paying for one week's worth of everyday expenses.

We went for a beautiful hike today and saw the whole town of Montecito from the highest peak in the area. We could even see Oprah Winfrey. I'm kidding. But she does live in Montecito.

The only bad thing about vacations is that you get out of your daily routine and since my parents have basically been here for a week, I haven't been to the gym, I've barely practiced, and I've eaten like a pig. Oh well. I should just accept it for what it is. Calories don't count when you're on vacation, right??

Good thing...

I made my resolution to be practicing every day (which I have kept faithfully) because my teacher from Carolina that wrote some recommendations sent this email to me today:
"I hope you are practicing, because after they read what I wrote, they will annoint you queen of something."

Haha. This is from my chamber music coach, not even my old flute teacher, so I would never have expected such high praise from him.

I hope they DO annoint me queen of something... queen of acceptance, queen of scholarship, queen of flute playing at a conservatory. Wouldn't it be nice if I didn't even have to audition? They're like, well if Don Oehler says you're good, then we'll just take his word for it. Ah, sweet impossible dreams.

I went to the quiz website that is so apparently popular these days and attempted to answer "Which Disney princess are you most like?" It might as well have been, "Tell us which princess you are like and then we'll post it like you took a quiz" because the questions were something along the lines of Agree or Disagree: You like to live with short people, You feel like you're constantly doing chores for the house you live in, you feel a strange connection with forces of nature, you like to talk to fish. I mean, c'mon, make it somewhat less obvious!!

Today is sort of dreary outside. There's been a blanket of fog over the mountains since this morning and it has never really lifted. Hopefully the weather will become beautiful again when my parents come up in a few days.

I'm driving to LA tomorrow! I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to do it, but I'm excited to see my family and leave town for a short while. Happy Thanksgiving!

Awww

My daddy just dedicated a piece of his art to me. I'm still not really sure of the significance, but it's still cute :)

www.paulsedan.com - the very last piece if you want to go look at it.

In other news, I'm so freakin' stuffed from the past few days. I had 2 Thanksgiving dinners to go to and then I went to one of my friend's houses today and she's at culinary school so she just "whipped up" an amazing linner (yes, I meant linner) of roasted chicken breast, broccoli salad, and lemon meringue pie. Good thing I went for a run today or else I would have gained 10 pounds instead of only 5 from the past 3 days' eating celebrations. I'm kidding... sort of.

Many thoughts on little sleep

It's amazing how much thinking you do when you get up early and haven't had a lot of sleep. I've just been lying in my bed for the past 3 hours contemplating all aspects of my life right now. Uh oh, Amy's been thinking again.

But seriously.

I was just reading the Christian Science Monitor, a daily newspaper that I get that I've gotten very behind on. It's my favorite newspaper b/c it reports all the world events (world, not just national) in an unbiased and easy to understand way. Plus it has lots of pictures. And it has articles on really cool stuff that you would never find on CNN that actually reports some good stuff going on in the world, like how tribes in Africa are learning to forgive each other after decades of massacre. (What? The world's not completely falling apart and there's more to life than the Foley scandal??)

So reading this awesome newspaper plus having reflections on my life so far led me to feeling pretty inadequate about what I'm doing in the world. One guy in France has dedicated his life to uncovering unmarked Jewish grave sites created by the Nazis in the Ukraine and talking to the people that witnessed what is called the "Holocaust of Bullets." Keep in mind that not only is this man making his life's work uncovering the past and unearthing - literally - things that have been left too long under cover, but he was working with Mother Theresa by age 21! I'm 21. Hmm....

Okay, another issue I've been pondering a lot recently has been the issue of global warming. Talk about something that needs to be addressed and soon. Those that are working to inform the world and actually actively working on fixing the problem are few and far between, but they are doing something for the community and for the future. I play music. Okay, it's what I love to do and it's something that I have a talent for. But is bringing beauty into the world through my music-making enough? I know that most people switch careers multiple times in their lifetime, but I feel like I have so many options that I want to pursue and that I'm almost copping out because I'm just following what I've been doing for the past 12 years.

I guess my point is, those of you that are still searching for what you want to be doing in life, count yourselves blessed. Because the possibilities are endless.

Resolutions

I made 4 resolutions today in an effort to turn over a new leaf and get serious about grad school applications and grad school in general.

They were (in no particular order):
1. Work out at least 5 days every week. Being in good shape makes me feel better about myself and is good for my music since I have better air support, etc.
2. No snacking at work.
3. Drink more water. I used to drink so much at school. Water is so good for your body and my poor body right now is so dehydrated every day. It's time for a change.
4. Practice every day. This is sorta key and I don't really need to explain how this is going to help with grad school.

So I already broke #2. But I figure 3/4 isn't too bad. I worked my butt off at the gym, practiced more of my butt off and made a lot of progress, and drank a lot of water. So go me! But it's day #1. The no snacking thing was just wishful thinking. When I have a bad night at work, I eat my troubles away since I don't exactly do the getting stoned thing and I can't drink at work.

Oh, and to make up for the completely sucky night at work I had one of the most amazing croissants that I've had since I left France. Someone from the restaurant brought them in so I have no idea where they came from, but they're as close to the real thing as you can get. Mmm pain au chocolat.... it reminds me of the classroom I had right above the bakery. It's no surprise I gained 15 pounds while living in France.

I have a current new favorite song. Since I drive almost every single day somewhere (the gym, work, a flute lesson), the radio has become my new best friend. It always knows which songs I want to hear and plays them over and over. It's great. So my new song is called "The Girl Next Door" by Saving Jane and I like it because it embodies my whole 'second best' mentality and throws in the fact that I'm a musician (although I was never in marching band). If you want to listen to it, you can go to www.myspace.com/mlleflutiste

So yeah, I have a myspace account now too. Mostly because the people that I'm meeting now aren't in school and only use MySpace. And because it's a new way to suck up time. Actually, I only have 7 friends on there and I plan on keeping it about that way. I have no interest in spending loads of time on both Facebook and now a new one. That's not why I'm out here.

I've had a problem with productivity lately. Today I think the only productive things I did were working out, going to studio class, having a rehearsal, and practicing for an hour. Oh and I read the newspaper and got caught up on the world. But I'm really not sure what I did with the other 7 hours of the day.

I ate for the first time at my restaurant last night. It was amazing, fabulous, mouth-watering, highly enjoyable, and satifsfying. I went with one of my friends who is basically on the same wave-length with me on just about every single topic. The only real difference between us is that she's drop-dead gorgeous. I'm not kidding; everything else is pretty much the same and it's really cool to find somebody like that. But I digress. So we ended up sitting in the restaurant for about 2 1/2 hours just eating, talking, slowly sipping our one glass of wine, and soaking in the atmosphere. That's how dinner should be eaten every night. And the food was, as we say in the South, "to die for." I can't wait to take my parents there...

In the past week, I got two invitations to pre-Thanksgiving feasts/potlucks and they're both happening this week. One I knew I could go to because it was Thursday evening, but the other is Friday and I thought, 'hell will freeze over if i'm not working Friday night.' Well, folks, everyone's going to heaven b/c hell froze over. So not only do I get out of working Friday night, but I get to stuff myself silly with amazing food and drink two nights in a row. This week is really looking up. Good thing I have cycling tomorrow - I'm going to need to make some room for all that deliciousness headed my way.

So those are the most important events of the past few days. I think I've been reading the newspaper too much because I do short little blurbs on random events that are in no way connected to each other. It's like getting a Christmas newsletter with the events of an entire year all fit onto one page. Somehow my dad always seems to make it work... maybe I should get some pointers from him.

Happy 100!

Blogger has informed me that this is my 100th post. So... I'm celebrating. Yay! Okay, celebrating over.

I had a sucky night at work because it was completely dead for a Friday night. But then after work, one of the new girls, Lili, and I came back to my place and just chilled out. I have recently felt the need to spill my entire story of the past two months to anyone that is sympathetic. Probably not the best idea when it refers to someone at work and I'm spilling to girls at work. I'm pretty sure they can keep their mouths shut though.

Today was hard because I knew that a lot of the same people that I went out with last night were hanging out, but instead I got to know Lili better (yay new friends!) and now am going to bed at a fairly decent hour - as opposed to 3 am, which has been a regular for the past two nights.

I'm beat emotionally and physically. It was really good to get my frustration out with someone that hasn't had to hear me say the same thing over and over for weeks on end but who totally affirmed the way that I was feeling. Affirmation is a wonderful thing.

I swear relationships aren't the only thing on my mind right now. But they do have an awful way of consuming a person and all of their mental energy even when it's not deserved at all. Dang it. I hate not being able to let go. Fortunately, I have about 4 of my girl friends out looking for prospective dates for me now. Something has to come to fruition from that...

Second best

Have you ever woken up in the morning and not been able to distinguish between reality and your dreams? That's how I feel this morning - a little lost, a lot disgusted, and really sad because my dreams were not fun.

I've yet again become the girl that just wasn't quite good enough. My semi-friend from work is now super interested in one of the new girls and we all hung out last night. They have so much in common and he has latched himself onto her. There goes Amy.

So many things should make this okay:
1. I'm supposed to be over him because he was a jerk to me.
2. The girl is fun, gorgeous, and great.
3. They have stuff in common! We really didn't.

All of this rationally makes sense to me, but I just can't shake that dejected feeling. I'm sure a lot of it is the whole 'getting worked up when another girl enters the picture.' I'm sure I would still really dislike him right now if there was no one else. Of course we all work together which makes it a little worse.

Don't worry, I'm just being dramatic. I'm sleep deprived and don't have much else to be thinking about, so it sort of consumes me. I'll work on changing that.

Oh and I ran my car into the security gate on my driveway last night because I was backing up and couldn't see where I was going. So now I get to have that fixed (the car, not the gate). Grrrrr...

Okay, deep breath, today is a new day.

Oh, the irony

I love that now, at 2:30 in the morning, is when I have the insights, vocabulary, and drive to write my personal statement. I've been trying for about 2 weeks now to get the right words, and tonight it's all flowing.

Let's add to this the fact that my computer now works in my room (which before it only got reception in the hallway near the front door) and that Blogger has decided that it will let me get on the website not once but twice. (Yes, I now think that my computer has a mind of its own and that if I upset it or move it too much it doesn't work for me. Anyone that says otherwise is wrong.)

So long, poor communication!

I've tried to sit down and write a blog several times in the past week and Blogger has just not liked me. So now, my computer is going super fast and it seems like fate to be getting caught up in the blog world.

Christa said something silly about Mercury and Venus and their alignment (I really don't remember) and how they make communication really bad over the next few weeks. Generally I don't subscribe to any of that floofy crap, but I have to say, that if I did I would be very impressed with the truth of it.

I went out Saturday night with some of my co-workers and ended up drinking a little too much. When I was dropped off, I must have dropped my ID in Cameron's car because I woke up the next morning wearing my gay co-workers t-shirt and without a driver's license. I drove to San Luis Obispo (an hour an a half away) nonetheless to spend the day with Ross, who is having an identity crisis and doesn't really know how to be around others (communication issue 1). When I got back on Monday, I went in to work to get my paycheck and was informed by one of the girls that I went out with that Cameron had my ID. Did he bother to call me? Would I have known about it had I not gone into work? (communication issue 2). Tuesday I got a call from work as I was leaving the gym telling me that they needed me to work b/c one of the new girls didn't show up. She apparently hadn't seen the schedule (communication issue 3). Well, I could go on, but you get the point.

This kind of stuff happens all the time though. And in a non-corporate restaurant with very un-strict rules, it's really easy to miss shifts or to not know what's going on all the time.

Graduate school stuff is constantly at the back of my mind and the biggest pain right now is writing a personal statement for each school. I don't like personal statements because 1) I'm not in school and everyone knows your vocabulary isn't quite as good when you're not being intellectually stimulated all the time and 2) When confronted with a question of who I am and why I do what I do (profiles on Facebook as another example) I can never come up with something cool even though I actually do have a pretty good hold on who I am - finally.

Besides that, the weeks are quickly flying by. My parents are coming out here for Thanksgiving and I'm actually really excited. They're the first visitors that I'll have and that I'll get to share my Californian world with. Augh! From here on out, I will have a million things on my mind with grad school and travelling and music and work, etc.

As promised

I finally took the time to upload some of my pictures onto the computer. Thus a pictoral tour of my new apartment and roommates. And of course, some Halloween fun.




This is my room and some of the free furniture that I got. The dresser is in good condition, no??



This is the view from my room. And it's what makes those extra hundred dollars completely worth living here.

Our cute kitchen. It's actually quite large and doesn't look like it in the picture.


My Mrs. Jiminy Cricket costume. I made the wings myself and they really took a beating when I went out on the Saturday before Halloween. How funny that I partied harder that night than on actual Halloween.














My roommate, Courtney, and I at the Goleta Lemon Festival. Lemon beer, lemon bars, and lemon-colored frisbees.

Behind these hazel eyes

One of my favorite things to do is to sing at the top of my lungs to upbeat music while driving down the highway on a beautiful day. This happened multiple times today and it made my day very enjoyable.

I feel like so much is going on in my head and that the dam is about to burst and I will feel something - either panic at the few months ahead or a need for activity or something. But for now I feel almost apathetic. I'm watching from overhead and just nodding, as if I have no control over the days that pass. October flew by. I have so much to do for graduate school!! At the same time, it's nice to actually have a deadline for something because it will actually motivate me. Whereas recently I've just been living from day to day. Nothing wrong with either approach.

I feel that the more time I spend here and the more engrossed I get in my day to day life the harder it is to stay in touch. It was so easy over the summer and now talking to someone once a week is something that I have to consciously remind myself to do. Even then, only about 40% do I actually dial said person. (there is no specific one... it applies to all)

Halloween this year has actually been fun. I just got back from a flute studio party and I carved a rockin pumpkin and in general just had good hang out time. Then last night I visited downtown and had fun in the club but then ended up babysitting those that drank too much. So it was a really fun evening followed by a frustrating late evening/morning. Which reminds me that since I got in at 4:30 this morning, I really need to go to bed. Night!

The costume dilemma

Every year, I ask myself, 'Will I dress up?'

As the years progress, the older I get and the less I want to dress up. I don't know whether it's a lack of creativity or a very strong aversion to the many many girls that become sluts on this one hallowed eve. I have a problem with slutty-anything-Disney. Like Snow White, Cinderella, or even Dorothy. It's just wrong.

Sorry, I'm off my rant for now. So I decided that this was the year I was going to stop. I didn't want to participate in the Del Playa Rd. drunken walk that is identical to Franklin St. except a bigger (?) deal apparently. So I didn't see any need to get all creative and costumed up. Until I met my roommate, Courtney. And then that all changed.

So now I'm going as Mrs. Jiminy Cricket (a variation of the grasshopper that I was going to be, but with a top hat and a short black jacket) and she's going as a ladybug. I think the fact that I got to dress all in green and make my own wings and still be cute is what roped me in. I still feel like I'm being more adult about it because we're having a potluck dinner here before going downtown and seeing all the hooplah. It should actually be a lot of fun.

Besides all the Halloween stuff, there's a lot else going on, hence the not writing a lot. I just fill my days with working out, errands, work, and hanging out with my roommates. It's not an exciting life, but I really love it right now.

I would also like to add that today is October 26th and it was a toasty 76 today. I love California. Eat your heart out, those who have cold weather and snow. The only thing that saddens me is that I might not be able to use my very cool fireplace.

I love my job

Tonight, I met some fellow Tarheels and it was so much fun! I really love my job because I get to talk about myself all the time and get to call it work. All I have to do is stand there with a tray or something that I've been passing and talk to my customers about my life and theirs and I get paid to do it! Oh, all the getting them food stuff is the easy part and takes about 1 hour total out of the 5 or 6 hours that I'm at work.

So I met this couple that I talked to the entire half hour break that I took around 10:00 and I didn't even mind the fact that I never really sat down all night. Then the bride's parents were both alums of Carolina and talked my ear off for about 20 minutes about how the mom used to be a cheerleader and asking me where I lived and hung out, etc. Then I got my name out at a museum that we were catering at right across the street and they might hire me as a background musician. That's really what makes working worthwhile - when I make connections in the music world.

I have to add that since I was the bartender at the museum gig, I had a little something something before getting back to the restaurant. Completely unprofessional, but it made the night soooo much more fun and easier to get through. I was just more social with my customers, that's all.

Tomorrow is a double at work, but I don't think I'll be pulling the 13 hours that I did last week. My co-worker/ on and off fling boy is having a party tomorrow night to celebrate his bday and has invited the world to it. It's in Isla Vista and is your typical college party and I'm really debating going. One of my other co-workers, Mariano, will be going and I think as long as I stick w/ him and leave when he does I'll be okay. I just don't trust myself around Cameron (fling boy) and there will be a million and one underage slutty college girls to distract him so I don't expect to actually be noticed.

There's just nothing much going on in my life and I'm filling up each day with lots of activities and finally have a routine, so I don't feel like blogging much. I actually feel like I'm not as good about keeping in touch w/ y'all. So sorry if I haven't called recently - it's not because I don't want to know what you're up to.

What's new in my life

• avocadoes and/especially guacamole
• lifting weights for upper body strength
• staying up late and sleeping in (this summer I had gone to old lady status going to bed at 9 at night, but the young twenty-something is back in full force)
• eating some types of mushrooms - I never thought I would say that.
• a fabulous room and even more fabulous roommates
• learning Spanish. Que hora es? Son los tres menos quince de manana. Soy loco! (Feel free to correct me... that's what learning is all about)
• discovered Pandora.com - really really cool music website that introduces you to lesser known artists that sound very similar to bands/singers you already like.

Okay, seriously it's 3 in the morning and I need to go to bed.

Don't you hate it when...

you're on a different schedule than your friends?

Last night I was bone tired and went to bed the second I got home, even though my roommates and probably everyone else was out partying. Tonight I got off work early and both of the guys that I had plans with flaked and then my roommate went to bed the second I got home.

Fortunately, I curled up with a glass of wine and a movie on my laptop and I was semi-content. I really wanted to get my groove on in a club, but you can't have that every week I guess.

I have a day off! I'm so excited I don't know what I'll do first - work out or practice. Both might sound boring, but I like having my routine.

Oh, and I have my camera back - I will post pics of my apartment and life in Cali soon.

I just spent an hour laughing my face off from the "best of" craig's list. I don't even remember how I got to the website, but this one is one of my favorites.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/216963357.html

It ties in perfectly with Friday night's customers at the restaurant. I called it PDA night because no joke - every table that I had had a couple at it making out. Seriously people!!!! Don't make out in a restaurant!!!! No one wants to see that!!

Oh man, I'm still exhausted from my 13 hour day yesterday. And I have to go in today too. I think I'll lie in bed until then...

A long haul

I'm in the middle of a very long shift at work. Well, they're letting me come home and sleep and check my email, but seriously, I'm basically not going to be leaving this weekend except to sleep.

I had a long evening tonight and then tomorrow I'm working from 11 until who knows when b/c we have 150 people coming in for dessert at 10:30 at night and there's not really any stopping in between. But I'm getting paid overtime to be there and it'll be good bonding time for me and my co-workers. They really do make working there bearable.

So the day that I got my beloved camera back my iPod dies. I have the worst luck w/ technology sometimes!

Okay -- since I'm not going to be available this weekend to actually call anyone, I need some advice online. I met a guy at Colleen's wedding and he was a nice guy, but I didn't feel an amazing connection or anything. Well, he has called me on a regular basis (about 2 or 3 times a week) since then. We're talking a month and a half at this point. Recently he's been calling when I've been busy and I haven't called him back. Frankly, I just don't have anything to say to him and we really don't have all that much to talk about. I just have no idea how to even approach the situation because if I call him, he'll think I'm interested. I really really don't want to have a DTR with someone where there is no relationship and I'm passive aggressive anyway. But I also don't want to be the person that just never answer his calls and hopes he gets the message. Advice?

Talk about working with some characters... tonight my friend Mariano comes up to me and says "I'm really messed up right now." Apparently he did coke in the middle of his shift. Then Cameron decided that it would be fun for one of the girls to put mascara and lip gloss on him. Something tells me he might have been a little messed up too. You can tell I've been working around them too long when this really doesn't shock me. I've actually have sort of become one of the guys, which I have mixed feelings about.

Gah, I really need to go to bed! Away, blasted computer!

R.I.P

My iPod just died.

I'm not really sure how I can continue on in life.

Why i don't have a roommate

While these past 5 days have been fun because they've been full of activity, I haven't had a whole lot of time to just sit around. I know, I know, if I'm not complaining about not having enough to do, I'm complaining about being too busy. There's just no pleasing me.

Today was the day that everyone moved in and it's been a lot of fun so far. I was working, then meeting someone for coffee, so I didn't even get back until 6 and then I hung out with my new roommates! They're super cool and very chill and fun to just talk to. But by 10, I was needing my own space. Since I haven't gotten my bed yet (it's coming thursday), I'm still staying in the guest room, but it's my own room that I can go to and shut my door.

It's the best of both worlds - you have your own room, your own space (and quite a large one, I might add. I really want to take pictures soon), but you can mingle with your friends whenever you want. I know most people have already experienced the apartment thing, but I really haven't yet, so it's an exciting time for me. One of my roommates, Courtney, has brought everything she owns and has filled our kitchen and has a membership to Costco - so we can go grocery shopping together! Sweet!

But I'm exhausted and I really like my alone time. So I'm going to bed early and then I'm going to get up, go to my cycling class, go shopping for my new room, and then go to work. Another busy day, but I think with my new roommates I will never really be bored with lots of down time. Which is actually a really good thing.

I'm really excited about the next 7 months!!! I think I have 3 new friends that will do lots of stuff with me, finally.

Lots of firsts

I went to a gay bar last night.

Man, I really never thought that would happen, but it did and it was completely unintentional. And I have to say, it was a whole lot of fun. I think it's because you can go there and know that you're not going to have to dance with some sweaty Mexican or disgustingly drunk frat boy. I went with some of my co-workers, one of whom is gay and a sweetheart and we had the best time.

I think it surprised my co-workers to see me let loose. I'm apparently really uptight in situations where I feel like I have to prove myself, mostly work and school. I let my hair down last night and the shock of the guys I was with was equivalent to that of my fellow study abroad students when I showed up drunk (off of champagne) to class after we won the basketball championship. They just don't see it coming.

Also today was the first time that I've ever signed a lease to rent a place of dwelling. I'm a real adult now! And can I say it was just the tiniest bit stressful. There are ten zillion rules and things that you're responsible for and it was a little overwhelming, especially since out of my four roommates, I'm the one that has committed to staying the longest.

Oops, gotta go. Wow, I just got 3 calls in the span of a minute. No joke.

Here are some long overdue pictures from my trip to San Francisco. I think next time I will want to do stuff besides all the touristy things b/c I didn't fall in love with the city like everyone else I know on the west coast. I haven't met a single person who hasn't had some sort of "oooh that's my favorite city" comment when I talk about SF.

I wish I had pictures of the conservatory. So far, that's my favorite part about the city. That and the 4-story tall Williams-Sonoma. And the glass elevator. And Ghiradelli chocolate. And... Okay, so I like San Francisco.


Apparently, the day that we walked the Golden Gate Bridge was one of the clearest of the summer.

On the other side of the bridge (it's a mile and a half long and my mom and I walked both ways) it's super windy. Note my 'bug eye' sunglasses. I couldn't find a single pair of normal sized ones when I had to replace my old ones. Sheesh.

I want my camera back so that I can post more pictures and show that I do have a life here. Stupid new camera that broke...

So right now I'm just wasting time until work this afternoon. We have yet another wedding to do today. I've worked a wedding for the past 3 nights. I guess it's just that season, huh? Oh well, no complaints here since I just have to sample the various different kinds of cakes that are out there. Personally I will stay away from the fondant for my wedding. Sure it looks pretty, but who wants to eat something the consistancy of chewing gum?

One more pretty shot of the Golden Gate.

Men are like food

I had an epiphany while eating lunch today. Why are men like food, you ask?

- we (women) crave what's bad for us
- after we've had what's bad for us, generally we feel a little nauseous, and yet quite satisfied
- eventually we'll end up having food that's good for us and realize that it's way tastier than the junk food we ate before. Then we'll wonder why we wasted all that time with french fries, etc.
- then we fall off the bandwagon and crave what's bad for us again
- most people have certain foods they avoid altogether, while others are more adventurous and will try anything once.


Okay, so the analogy is a little stretched. But I liked it at the time.
Plus, I love eating. I'm definitely of the type that will try anything once - except mushrooms. Mushrooms are gross (I sorta see the equivalent as druggies... get it? shrooms??).

Crazy week/blessed day

It is now Thursday. For the past 3 days, I've been running around like crazy because:

-On Tuesday, I found out that there was someone that wanted to live here (in the downstairs portion) and needed a 4th roommate. So we hustled to get all the paperwork done.
- On Wednesday, I had to get a check to my landlady, go to my yoga class, and go to work.
- Today I went to the gym, did laundry, went grocery shopping, mailed some letters, and on the way home found free furniture. Talk about excellent timing!

The day that I find out that I have permanent housing for the rest of my stay in Santa Barbara and that I need to furnish my own room, I find a free bookshelf, dresser, and futon chair all in great condition. Whew! Plus, I've been on the phone with someone just about every hour today b/c it's one of my phone's good days. (I swear there' s a cycle...)
Oh, and every time that I needed help lifting something, either the owner of the furniture was there, or a workman at my house, or the trash man helped. That's right - the SB trash man helped me get my chair into my car. Not to mention the fact that if I didn't have my car (a Chevy Blazer) I wouldn't have been able to move any of that stuff!

So tonight I'm going to enjoy the fact that I have lots of good food in the house, then go to an Irish pub to hear one of my friends play in an Irish band, then watch Grey's Anatomy with some cool people. I'm so blessed.

You know you have a hard workout when you wish all sorts of evil on the instructor and look at the clock desperately hoping that time has run out just to discover that it's only been half an hour.

Also, there were several points where I mentally said, "oh, hellll no" and turned down the resistance on my bike.

Hahahaha. And I still had an amazing workout and completely deserve the huge pile of nachos that I had for lunch. That is why I love exercise.

It's been a long day...

Well, I actually got a lot done today, but I can only do so many errands in one day. This whole having a lot of free time thing is not really my cup o' tea.

Thus the reason that I spent an hour and a half at Michael's today trying to find some sort of craft to start so that I don't go crazy. Of course I didn't find anything that was fitting because if I'm going to spend a lot of time and creativity, I want it to be special and something that I want to keep for a long time b/c I'm not about to go craft crazy just trying to find something to fill my time. So I want one thing that will be a good use of my free time.

As a result of a party that we had at work the other day I had 2 coupons for a free deluxe car wash and I got them b/c the guy that was in charge of handing out awards to the guests was drunk. Hahahahaha. Don't worry, I wasn't the one that got all the coupons from him. I was a second-hand freeloader. The point is, my car is sparkly clean now. Hurrah!

I also got gas today for $2.92. That, folks, is cheap for California. And it keeps going down!

Sigh - you know you have no excitement in your life when you get cheap gas thrills you.

Um, I don't have anything else to share. Sorry. Happy Monday!