Thanks giving (a few days early)

The past few days have been good, relaxing, and relatively stress-free, so I'm in a good mood.

Therefore, I propose a list of things that I'm thankful for since recently I've been moaning and groaning about the fact that I have no money, talent, time, etc.

I'm thankful for:

• still having my car around. It has been really nice still driving to the grocery store and being able to be a good samaritan in general when people need a ride.

• having a beautiful place to call home. Despite all the drama, I really do have a great room that is worth every penny I pay for it.

• new friends to lean on and laugh with and old friends that are there to listen, anytime.

• having my mom in the city off and on. It's so nice to have someone that loves you unconditionally nearby.

• our neighbor that sporadically brings us cases of wine, for free.

• two perfect jobs that are relatively fun and stress-free (compared to waitressing) and that are extremely flexible. I need to remember to not take that for granted.

• having other relatives nearby to visit for holidays. There's something about being with family on important days that just gives you the same feeling as a really hot bath. Comfortable, relaxing, pampering, sometimes a little too heated, and if you stay too long you get wrinkly.

• being at my dream school. In the day-to-day activities, that's the easiest one to forget, but I'm constantly reminded how short my time is in this program, which makes me more appreciative.

• supportive parents that haven't ever given up on me and that back me up and buy me flannel sheets when my room is frigid like the North Pole.

• having the independence to start all over in a new city, new state, and new school without a second thought.

• the love for music that is as natural to me as breathing. When I think I lack in talent, I'm just comparing myself to others, which is never a good idea.

I'm sure the list could go on and on, but these are the biggies. I'll leave with a few photos, since they always spruce up my blog page anyway.

My roommate made carrot cake with cream cheese icing and I got to lick one of the beaters. Mmmmm

My roommate, Erica, on the Golden Gate Bridge. She's my heterosexual life mate, which is just a fancy way of saying that we completely understand each other. I'm grateful for her too.

I biked around 15 miles today. I was pretty darn proud of myself.

One of my friends from work is an avid biker and my roommate happens to have a pretty sweet road bike, so I borrowed the bike and got my butt kicked on a long ride today. Surprisingly, the only part of me that feels it at all is my butt. I'm not really even that tired.
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I've been having a hard time picking out pieces that I want to play on my recital this spring. I always end up choosing really difficult pieces because they're so interesting to listen to and I would much rather please my audience than my fingers. I think I have a good lineup, but I really need to start practicing for it now. My recital is April 20th. That's right: only in California, would this really be a problem since I'll have probably 1/2 of the people at my recital show up stoned. (4/20 is national blazing day, in case you're out of the loop ;) )

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I hung out with some girls this weekend that I haven't really gotten a chance to see outside of school and it was a really interesting study in people's perceptions of you vs. how you see yourself. I suppose my personality has changed from living in California and making new sets of friends because my roommate often remarks how direct I am and how uber confident I seem. Those two qualities are probably some of the last things I think about myself. I tend to see myself as passive aggressive, but lately I've been trying to live honestly. If you're honest with someone (even yourself), things tend to work themselves out a lot quicker. So I guess that's where the directness comes in. The confidence is a shock to me because I've had to work soooo hard on having confidence in my music-making abilities, so perhaps I just channel all confidence into other areas of my life.

I can tell you right now that when I saw the chef walk into WS yesterday and turned 5 shades of red and stammered that he had left his bag and my business card in the store a few weeks ago, I was not exactly the most confident-seeming person in the world.

I have, however, been trying to put myself out there more in the dating world. I'm going on a date later this week with a guy that's a lot younger than me, but he seems pretty interesting. On the bus the other day I started up a conversation with a guy because we kept eyeing each other. Of course, I started the conversation about 2 minutes before I got off, but it's progress. And then I slipped this business card in the chef's bag. That was probably the gutsiest move I've pulled in a while.

Mark November 8th as officially Amy Hell Day.

I've complained to enough people about it to make me feel somewhat better and I'm sure my complaining isn't helping anything, but I've been up since the crack of dawn (literally) and won't get home until 16 hours later. That's one long day.

We had official holiday decorating in Williams Sonoma and so I had to wake up at 4 am to get to work at 6 am to hang live garlands. Then I proceeded to school for a rehearsal at 7 pm and after then I have to go home to finish a paper and do other homework. I deserve a very very large nap and drink after tomorrow's duties.

Looks like I'm not the only one with a busy schedule though, so I shouldn't really complain.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend - I have a potential dinner out with a friend from work, a bike ride on Sunday morning, and brunch with another friend from work Sunday afternoon. Practicing? What's that?


I just have to keep pushing for a week and a half and then Thanksgiving is upon us!! Not only do I get to go to southern Cali, but I get to make a day trip to Santa Barbara and see all my friends!

I still have pine sap on my hands and smell like Christmas trees.

It's Christmas!

Okay, it's really not, but it certainly is in retail world. The sad part is that I've gotten so used to this 'putting up Christmas before November even gets here' that I don't even find it unusual and have really gotten into the fall spirit. (I can't say I actually have thought about buying presents yet).

These past couple weeks have just been the weeks where a lot has happened, but nothing that I've felt really needed to be blogged about. That or I was just too dang tired to write.

I have officially decided that I hate Halloween, though. Fall, I love and will celebrate all the time. Halloween SUCKS. We need to just take it off our calendars. I have never ever had a Halloween I liked since I was probably 10 and now that I don't even want the candy and I have no creativity for costumes, there's really no point for it to exist. So it goes without saying that I really didn't celebrate this year.

It's really scary to me that November is already here, which means that my semester is almost over, which means that I'm a quarter of the way through my master's degree and I feel like I just got started. Time here is extremely precious and I have so much that I want to learn! Ah, becoming an adult. It means actually craving intellectual settings and higher education. Who woulda thunk. The only real difference at my conservatory is that I sometimes put a half-hearted effort into my papers and still recieve an A-plus. I almost wish I had to work harder for that 4.0.

I'm truly enjoying being single for the moment. It means I get to flirt with whomever, whenever I want and have fun the whole time. I almost got sucked into a major crush, but when it started taking over my thoughts and practice time, I nipped it in the bud. No boy is going to get in the way of my degree or my career. So there! (he also happened to not return my feelings, an important aside to the story)

I had a good fall break, taking a hike nearby in Muir Woods, going for a bike ride, watching TV, and relaxing. However, I'm going to desperately need some time away from this city in a few weeks for Thanksgiving. I'm going down to Santa Monica for the long weekend, and I thoroughly expect to be treated like the favorite (and only) niece that needs to be pampered, wined and dined.



I will leave you with a fun Williams-Sonoma anecdote:

We have walkies at work, with earpieces so no one else in the store can hear our conversations. On Thursday, my friend Nick announced to all the associates on said walkie that a man had just walked into our store with a bottle of wine, proceeded to the floor with wineopeners, used a $100 wineopener on display to open the bottle of wine, recorked it, and walked out. No joke. I'm not sure what my reaction would have been had I actually see this happen, but I most likely would have been speechless. Who does that???? Really?? Oh, the customers we get...

Plateau

I had a really frustrating lesson today. I realize that every lesson can't be precisely perfect, but I want my teacher to pat me on the back and say 'well done.' And that just didn't happen today. I went in with the same music and I got the same comments that I did last week and it just made for a very deja vu moment. I guess I think about the fact that I really don't have a lot of lessons and that the one hour spent with my teacher is very precious and the fact that I basically had the same lesson twice is extremely frustrating.

Also to be told that my whole work this week in the practice rooms didn't really do much wasn't fun to hear either. Oh well, everyone needs one of those bad weeks to get them working again.

I've been stuck in the same routine for the past few weeks and really need to get out of it badly. I need to go for a day trip somewhere, go for a hike, go look at the Redwood Forest, or SOMETHING. Maybe it's because the weather here is beautiful, finally. When it's so warm and sunny out I just feel cooped up in a practice room. Good thing the weather only lasts like this for about 2 weeks out of the year. Otherwise I would have some attention span issues.

I was remarking to one of my friends that I really needed to get a sign to put in the window of my car and she smartly replied, 'Yes. Step #1 in selling a car is advertising.' Okay, she was being a smart ass, but it's true. I think that posting every week on Craigslist is sufficient, but honestly, it would be so awesome if someone just came up to me, and said, 'I love your car; is it for sale?' Fat chance.

201

Ooh, I just looked at my blog page and it said that my last post was #200. Woot.

It's really humorous how my perspective on homework has changed since being at a conservatory. I've had one big essay to write, one exam to prepare for, and some homework to do for a class this week. And somehow, I feel completely overwhelmed with work, like every time I have a free hour I'm doing homework. Of course, I've also gotten very used to not having to do any work when I get home from school so my mind is blown when I *gasp* horror of horrors have to actually open a book during the week!

Today has just been one of those days where I feel a little blue, I feel like everyone's getting sick of me and I'm being a clingy friend and my practicing is just plain sucky. Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday and after the big party life can return to normal.

I hate being told that someone is into me because then I get all self-conscious around them and don't act like myself. I would much rather be oblivious, but I guess you have to start somewhere...

I haven't blogged in a while mainly because it's been a couple weeks of stuff happening all at once and then mundane stuff taking over the rest of the time.

Let's see: I cried for pretty much no reason on Friday night except that I was extremely tired and worried about money for the zillionth time this month. Oh and I was having 'female issues' aka PMS. That always helps.

We have another concert this Saturday and our orchestra is not ready at all. I only have two rehearsals before we perform and as principal flute, I'm quite nervous about our unpreparedness.

Friday is my roommate Erica's birthday and I'm throwing a make-your-own-pizza party for her where all the guests bring their own toppings and we provide the dough, sauce, and cheese. I think it'll be fun and there is a good diverse group coming. I'm sure I'll have pictures.

I've decided to have a recital in the spring, so if you're looking for something to do in March, you can come hear me play! I've got some really hard stuff on the program, plus for our concerto competition we have to play the entire work, which means all three movements of a concerto memorized. I've got my work cut out for me.

My mom left on Friday, but she'll be back for three weeks starting next Sunday. Somehow I don't think that we'll be going out to dinner every other night when she gets back, but it'll be really nice to have her close and be able to grab coffee or have a shoulder to cry on when I'm being irrational. And stuff.

And finally, I have the next two days technically free of all obligations. I'm still getting up early to sign out practice rooms for the whole week, but I have nowhere that I absolutely have to be and I'm going to milk it. I like having a couple of days to just get my life slowly sorted out again and do homework so that when the end of the week comes, I'm not horribly horribly stressed.

Power trip

My new job is both scary and really fun because I have a whole lot of power in the school.

I was trained tonight as a stage manager and it's cool because I have access to all the keys for all the pianos in the school, I can control the lights in the recital hall and concert hall (very high tech stuff) and I make sure that recitals and concerts run smoothly. And I get paid minimum wage to do it. The power makes it all worthwhile.

It's slightly nerve-wracking to be the one person that could make a difference between the best recital you give and the one where everything goes wrong, all based on whether the lighting is right or whether your accompanist misses a page turn. At the same time, I love being the person that everyone comes to with questions and to be the one that gives orders to my minions (otherwise known as ushers).

It's good to have my mom in town for a little bit because I can see her on my schedule and she has a lot to be doing during the times that I'm busy, which would be this entire week. However, I was just starting to be good about what I eat and then I get taken out to dinner and reintroduced to this world of non-poor-starving-student-food. I wish I had time to exercise - this whole running a half-marathon in the summer thing is not looking too good right now. My exercise is running up and down stairs at school because we only have 2 elevators in the whole building.

oh I forgot two important things.

ONE - My mom is coming tomorrow! She's going to be working for the retirement home that I stayed in my first month here and she'll be here for two weeks!! Girl time, mom time, and good food here I come...

TWO - Our first orchestra concert is tonight. I'm sooooooo excited. Mainly because I have so many cute black clothes and I just can't decide which to wear. But we're playing the same concert again on Monday, so there are lots of opportunities.

Where did September go?

Amazing how the time flies when you actually have stuff to fill up your calendar. It seems like the beginning of school was just here. Of course, there were about two weeks where I was twiddling my thumbs, but now that everything has started up, the past two weeks have just flown by.


Like most normal people, Fridays are the days I look forward to the most. For me, Friday night means going out with all of the people I've made friends with at school and having a drink somewhere and generally being social. It's amazing how little I get of that during the week.

Last night, my friend Alexx and I went for a drink right after school and then headed over to my roommate's boyfriend's apartment (did you get that?) for homemade pizzas. Okay, so it wasn't homemade dough, but when you can get a pizza dough that will feed 4 people for 99 cents at Trader Joe's, who would make homemade?? Anyway, they were amazing and good food and good conversation is the best way to spend the end of the week.

I'm loving school more and more. Our orchestra sounds amazing, especially coming from Carolina where there were severe holes in more than one of the sections. It's so great not to worry whether the violins are going to get all the right rhythms or not! I'm so glad that I came from a lesser music program though because one of my friends came from another conservatory and he is such a snob about how our orchestra sounds that if I didn't know any better, he would ruin all of my happiness about finally being in a semi-professional environment. Fortunately, I do know better, so I just smile and nod.

It's frustrating that so much is going on in my life that it's hard to pick and choose what to put in my blog. I have so many thoughts and so many things to share, but they always end up so abbreviated on here.


Let's just say: San Francisco is really cool, I love that I can work in the tourist center and be a native and then the next day get out my windbreaker, fanny pack, and camera and become a tourist looking at all the pretty sights. (Just kidding, I don't have a fanny pack). I love school and I love being around musicians that are just as serious about music as I am, but that are also normal, social, human beings and don't practice for days on end. I love that my school is small and that the atmosphere is so supportive and challenging at the same time. I love working at Williams-Sonoma where I cut down my hours to 15 a week and they still don't care as long as I keep working there. I even love that the weather changes drastically every single day and you don't know whether you're going to get dense fog or bright blue skies and it could change as soon as I enter the city from where I live (closer to the ocean).

So that's life so far in a nutshell.

What I get paid to do...

Tonight, I was paid to: sit on my butt for an hour, waiting for the boat to dock; drink 4 gin and tonics; go on a cruise for two hours; and play Mozart trios for approx. 2 hours. It's ridiculous sometimes the life of a musician. And afterwards, everyone thanked me for being there and acted like I was doing them the favor. Nonononono people. Thank YOU.

I don't have the energy or will to download pics of my potluck dinner yet, but here's a picture from Santa Barbara in the same dress that I wore tonight.

Return to yoga

Things that make me happy today:

• a free yoga class every Monday at my school that was actually really challenging
• the song "Smile" by Lily Allen. I haven't even broken up with anyone recently and it's such a great breakup song. It has a good beat too.
• I have tons of leftovers from the FANTASTIC potluck dinner that my roommate and I threw last night. 5 layer dip, salmon, fried rice, peach and blackberry crisp, vanilla ice cream, brownies, fresh french bread. Yeah.
• a great first lesson and studio class. My teacher rocks.
  
• getting to play a gig tomorrow! (Even though I have no idea what I'm doing)
  

Confidence

I've found that being a graduate student at a good school has been a two-edged sword. I'm surrounded by people that are good at what they do and so I feel like I fit in somehow. It's an elite group that I'm allowed to be a part of and that inspires me to be my best. At the same time, I'm constantly intimidated by all of these other musicians that I compare myself to and feel like I'm not worthy to be on the same level as them.

I've always had confidence issues and they're getting worked out now, slowly but surely. The side of me that is inspired and sure about my abilities is winning out over the person who thinks she's just second-best.

I had a really, really great rehearsal with my (free!) accompanist tonight and everything just clicked. I have to play in studio for the first time on Monday in front of all the other flutists and I feel like it's the one time when they don't know what to expect and that I have all of these things to live up to. After playing with the piano though, it's easy to just get lost in the music and not worry about what someone else is thinking. I'm just hoping I can retain that when I'm being judged by my peers and can just play for me, without any comparisons.

Going crazy, wanna come?

OH my goodness.

These last few days have been utter chaos. I love it, but I really think my brain is going to explode from time to time.

I am now not kidding that I would really like to add a few hours to the day because I'm discovering that having a part-time job both at school and outside school is insanity. I'm going to have to cut down my hours at W-S because I just can justify cutting down on anything at school, since it's sorta what I want to do for the rest of my life.

That being said, I'm really excited about a few things that have happened over the past two days.
#1 - my new boss at school is uber cool. I'm working for the concert office, so I'm in charge of setting up the stage for recitals, controlling the lights, ushering, unlocking and moving pianos and harpsichords. I get to say no to people and boss others around and carry keys. And as my boss, Seth, pointed out, I'm basically getting paid to listen to music. I get to go hear Chanticleer for free because I'm ushering while even conservatory students have to at least pay $11 and I'm getting paid to be there. Sweet.

#2 - I already have a gig. Playing on a boat. And I get to wear my cute dress that I've been saving for my recital, but since it's black tie, I need something really formal for the event. Did I mention I get paid $70/hour? Because I do. This is through the Music to Go! program that I auditioned for, so the school gets the calls and then they in turn ask the students if they want the job or not. So the school does all the advertising and we get all the rewards. I'm going to be playing trios with a violin and cello. I'm really really pumped! Of course, I told W-S that I had to leave early for an 'unavoidable class conflict'. Which is a half-lie since this really is important to my career and thereby almost like a class for me.


#3 - I got into the Gamelan class that I was waitlisted for. I've always been curious about Javanese music and wanted to play in a gamelan and now I have an opportunity to!

I finally understand why conservatory students never go to class though or do homework. Because in the past two days, I haven't even thought about what homework I have due or what is coming up in class. I've even thought, 'academics?! pssssh' Which is quite a switch from Ms. I Need to Make Straight A's in college. It's just not the most important thing now.

And I don't spend a lot of time at Scrabble. I'm just that good naturally ;)

First week

This first real week of school and work is kicking my butt.

Tomorrow I'm gone from 9-6, which really isn't that bad. I think it's the fighting for practice rooms and the severe lack of them that gets the most frustrating. When I want to practice, there aren't any rooms available and I have such precious free time that I don't want to spend it waiting around.

Thursday I'm getting up at 7 am to get to school at 9 so I can practice for an hour before my 8 hour shift at work and then come back to school from 7-10 pm for a training session. That's going to be the killer day.

On top of work, work at school, ensembles, class, and homework, I'm trying to be social too. I'm organizing a potluck at my house on the one day that I have off of everything. I'm also planning on going to church and out to brunch with another friend that day, so I'm loading up my calendar. What would a day be without a rigid plan for every hour??

I had a dream last night that I was done with graduate school after this week. Surprisingly, I cried and cried because I didn't want to leave and didn't think that I was ready for the real world.

I guess I'm getting a little attached to this place.

A new addition

I just bought the new iPod nano. It's silver and has room for 1,000 songs. I'm a very happy girl.

Apparently I have really good timing b/c they literally just came out with the new version today. It's more square and has a large color screen. It's a perfect size for what I need, which is just something to entertain me on the metro and to play orchestra pieces back when I'm learning the music.

It's so new the store doesn't have any accesories for it yet. That'll be my present to it next month I guess, maybe sooner. I don't want this one dying in 2 years. I would be very very sad.

This isn't mine, but you get the idea.

Frisco

So here are some long-awaited pictures of my room and the gorgeous city I live in. And a picture of the enormous sundae you get at Ghirardelli Square just for good measure.

No more school, no more books

One of the biggest rewards of going to a school that lets you out of class for having an excuse like "I had to fly to Orlando to audition for a real job" is that I have absolutely no books to buy this semester. That's right. NO BOOKS.

So what did I do with the copious amounts of money that I set aside for books? Spent it on reading material for my 40-minute public transporation ride to school. The three I have started with are The Joy Luck Club because it's set in San Francisco and I've never read Amy Tan, Old School because it was highly recommended by the man that ran the used book store, and In the Merde for Love because it's a funny account of a man that lived in Provence for a year. I'm so excited about my ride to school and work now.

oh, and I got my hair cut.

woot.