I had a really frustrating lesson today. I realize that every lesson can't be precisely perfect, but I want my teacher to pat me on the back and say 'well done.' And that just didn't happen today. I went in with the same music and I got the same comments that I did last week and it just made for a very deja vu moment. I guess I think about the fact that I really don't have a lot of lessons and that the one hour spent with my teacher is very precious and the fact that I basically had the same lesson twice is extremely frustrating.
Also to be told that my whole work this week in the practice rooms didn't really do much wasn't fun to hear either. Oh well, everyone needs one of those bad weeks to get them working again.
I've been stuck in the same routine for the past few weeks and really need to get out of it badly. I need to go for a day trip somewhere, go for a hike, go look at the Redwood Forest, or SOMETHING. Maybe it's because the weather here is beautiful, finally. When it's so warm and sunny out I just feel cooped up in a practice room. Good thing the weather only lasts like this for about 2 weeks out of the year. Otherwise I would have some attention span issues.
I was remarking to one of my friends that I really needed to get a sign to put in the window of my car and she smartly replied, 'Yes. Step #1 in selling a car is advertising.' Okay, she was being a smart ass, but it's true. I think that posting every week on Craigslist is sufficient, but honestly, it would be so awesome if someone just came up to me, and said, 'I love your car; is it for sale?' Fat chance.
Ooh, I just looked at my blog page and it said that my last post was #200. Woot.
It's really humorous how my perspective on homework has changed since being at a conservatory. I've had one big essay to write, one exam to prepare for, and some homework to do for a class this week. And somehow, I feel completely overwhelmed with work, like every time I have a free hour I'm doing homework. Of course, I've also gotten very used to not having to do any work when I get home from school so my mind is blown when I *gasp* horror of horrors have to actually open a book during the week!
Today has just been one of those days where I feel a little blue, I feel like everyone's getting sick of me and I'm being a clingy friend and my practicing is just plain sucky. Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday and after the big party life can return to normal.
I hate being told that someone is into me because then I get all self-conscious around them and don't act like myself. I would much rather be oblivious, but I guess you have to start somewhere...
I haven't blogged in a while mainly because it's been a couple weeks of stuff happening all at once and then mundane stuff taking over the rest of the time.
Let's see: I cried for pretty much no reason on Friday night except that I was extremely tired and worried about money for the zillionth time this month. Oh and I was having 'female issues' aka PMS. That always helps.
We have another concert this Saturday and our orchestra is not ready at all. I only have two rehearsals before we perform and as principal flute, I'm quite nervous about our unpreparedness.
Friday is my roommate Erica's birthday and I'm throwing a make-your-own-pizza party for her where all the guests bring their own toppings and we provide the dough, sauce, and cheese. I think it'll be fun and there is a good diverse group coming. I'm sure I'll have pictures.
I've decided to have a recital in the spring, so if you're looking for something to do in March, you can come hear me play! I've got some really hard stuff on the program, plus for our concerto competition we have to play the entire work, which means all three movements of a concerto memorized. I've got my work cut out for me.
My mom left on Friday, but she'll be back for three weeks starting next Sunday. Somehow I don't think that we'll be going out to dinner every other night when she gets back, but it'll be really nice to have her close and be able to grab coffee or have a shoulder to cry on when I'm being irrational. And stuff.
And finally, I have the next two days technically free of all obligations. I'm still getting up early to sign out practice rooms for the whole week, but I have nowhere that I absolutely have to be and I'm going to milk it. I like having a couple of days to just get my life slowly sorted out again and do homework so that when the end of the week comes, I'm not horribly horribly stressed.
My new job is both scary and really fun because I have a whole lot of power in the school.
I was trained tonight as a stage manager and it's cool because I have access to all the keys for all the pianos in the school, I can control the lights in the recital hall and concert hall (very high tech stuff) and I make sure that recitals and concerts run smoothly. And I get paid minimum wage to do it. The power makes it all worthwhile.
It's slightly nerve-wracking to be the one person that could make a difference between the best recital you give and the one where everything goes wrong, all based on whether the lighting is right or whether your accompanist misses a page turn. At the same time, I love being the person that everyone comes to with questions and to be the one that gives orders to my minions (otherwise known as ushers).
It's good to have my mom in town for a little bit because I can see her on my schedule and she has a lot to be doing during the times that I'm busy, which would be this entire week. However, I was just starting to be good about what I eat and then I get taken out to dinner and reintroduced to this world of non-poor-starving-student-food. I wish I had time to exercise - this whole running a half-marathon in the summer thing is not looking too good right now. My exercise is running up and down stairs at school because we only have 2 elevators in the whole building.
oh I forgot two important things.
ONE - My mom is coming tomorrow! She's going to be working for the retirement home that I stayed in my first month here and she'll be here for two weeks!! Girl time, mom time, and good food here I come...
TWO - Our first orchestra concert is tonight. I'm sooooooo excited. Mainly because I have so many cute black clothes and I just can't decide which to wear. But we're playing the same concert again on Monday, so there are lots of opportunities.
Amazing how the time flies when you actually have stuff to fill up your calendar. It seems like the beginning of school was just here. Of course, there were about two weeks where I was twiddling my thumbs, but now that everything has started up, the past two weeks have just flown by.
Like most normal people, Fridays are the days I look forward to the most. For me, Friday night means going out with all of the people I've made friends with at school and having a drink somewhere and generally being social. It's amazing how little I get of that during the week.
Last night, my friend Alexx and I went for a drink right after school and then headed over to my roommate's boyfriend's apartment (did you get that?) for homemade pizzas. Okay, so it wasn't homemade dough, but when you can get a pizza dough that will feed 4 people for 99 cents at Trader Joe's, who would make homemade?? Anyway, they were amazing and good food and good conversation is the best way to spend the end of the week.
I'm loving school more and more. Our orchestra sounds amazing, especially coming from Carolina where there were severe holes in more than one of the sections. It's so great not to worry whether the violins are going to get all the right rhythms or not! I'm so glad that I came from a lesser music program though because one of my friends came from another conservatory and he is such a snob about how our orchestra sounds that if I didn't know any better, he would ruin all of my happiness about finally being in a semi-professional environment. Fortunately, I do know better, so I just smile and nod.
It's frustrating that so much is going on in my life that it's hard to pick and choose what to put in my blog. I have so many thoughts and so many things to share, but they always end up so abbreviated on here.
Let's just say: San Francisco is really cool, I love that I can work in the tourist center and be a native and then the next day get out my windbreaker, fanny pack, and camera and become a tourist looking at all the pretty sights. (Just kidding, I don't have a fanny pack). I love school and I love being around musicians that are just as serious about music as I am, but that are also normal, social, human beings and don't practice for days on end. I love that my school is small and that the atmosphere is so supportive and challenging at the same time. I love working at Williams-Sonoma where I cut down my hours to 15 a week and they still don't care as long as I keep working there. I even love that the weather changes drastically every single day and you don't know whether you're going to get dense fog or bright blue skies and it could change as soon as I enter the city from where I live (closer to the ocean).
So that's life so far in a nutshell.
Tonight, I was paid to: sit on my butt for an hour, waiting for the boat to dock; drink 4 gin and tonics; go on a cruise for two hours; and play Mozart trios for approx. 2 hours. It's ridiculous sometimes the life of a musician. And afterwards, everyone thanked me for being there and acted like I was doing them the favor. Nonononono people. Thank YOU.
I don't have the energy or will to download pics of my potluck dinner yet, but here's a picture from Santa Barbara in the same dress that I wore tonight.
Things that make me happy today:
- a free yoga class every Monday at my school that was actually really challenging
- the song "Smile" by Lily Allen. I haven't even broken up with anyone recently and it's such a great breakup song. It has a good beat too.
- I have tons of leftovers from the FANTASTIC potluck dinner that my roommate and I threw last night. 5 layer dip, salmon, fried rice, peach and blackberry crisp, vanilla ice cream, brownies, fresh french bread. Yeah.
- a great first lesson and studio class. My teacher rocks.
- getting to play a gig tomorrow! (Even though I have no idea what I'm doing)
I've found that being a graduate student at a good school has been a two-edged sword. I'm surrounded by people that are good at what they do and so I feel like I fit in somehow. It's an elite group that I'm allowed to be a part of and that inspires me to be my best. At the same time, I'm constantly intimidated by all of these other musicians that I compare myself to and feel like I'm not worthy to be on the same level as them.
I've always had confidence issues and they're getting worked out now, slowly but surely. The side of me that is inspired and sure about my abilities is winning out over the person who thinks she's just second-best.
I had a really, really great rehearsal with my (free!) accompanist tonight and everything just clicked. I have to play in studio for the first time on Monday in front of all the other flutists and I feel like it's the one time when they don't know what to expect and that I have all of these things to live up to. After playing with the piano though, it's easy to just get lost in the music and not worry about what someone else is thinking. I'm just hoping I can retain that when I'm being judged by my peers and can just play for me, without any comparisons.
OH my goodness.
These last few days have been utter chaos. I love it, but I really think my brain is going to explode from time to time.
I am now not kidding that I would really like to add a few hours to the day because I'm discovering that having a part-time job both at school and outside school is insanity. I'm going to have to cut down my hours at W-S because I just can justify cutting down on anything at school, since it's sorta what I want to do for the rest of my life.
That being said, I'm really excited about a few things that have happened over the past two days.
#1 - my new boss at school is uber cool. I'm working for the concert office, so I'm in charge of setting up the stage for recitals, controlling the lights, ushering, unlocking and moving pianos and harpsichords. I get to say no to people and boss others around and carry keys. And as my boss, Seth, pointed out, I'm basically getting paid to listen to music. I get to go hear Chanticleer for free because I'm ushering while even conservatory students have to at least pay $11 and I'm getting paid to be there. Sweet.
#2 - I already have a gig. Playing on a boat. And I get to wear my cute dress that I've been saving for my recital, but since it's black tie, I need something really formal for the event. Did I mention I get paid $70/hour? Because I do. This is through the Music to Go! program that I auditioned for, so the school gets the calls and then they in turn ask the students if they want the job or not. So the school does all the advertising and we get all the rewards. I'm going to be playing trios with a violin and cello. I'm really really pumped! Of course, I told W-S that I had to leave early for an 'unavoidable class conflict'. Which is a half-lie since this really is important to my career and thereby almost like a class for me.
#3 - I got into the Gamelan class that I was waitlisted for. I've always been curious about Javanese music and wanted to play in a gamelan and now I have an opportunity to!
I finally understand why conservatory students never go to class though or do homework. Because in the past two days, I haven't even thought about what homework I have due or what is coming up in class. I've even thought, 'academics?! pssssh' Which is quite a switch from Ms. I Need to Make Straight A's in college. It's just not the most important thing now.
And I don't spend a lot of time at Scrabble. I'm just that good naturally ;)
This first real week of school and work is kicking my butt.
Tomorrow I'm gone from 9-6, which really isn't that bad. I think it's the fighting for practice rooms and the severe lack of them that gets the most frustrating. When I want to practice, there aren't any rooms available and I have such precious free time that I don't want to spend it waiting around.
Thursday I'm getting up at 7 am to get to school at 9 so I can practice for an hour before my 8 hour shift at work and then come back to school from 7-10 pm for a training session. That's going to be the killer day.
On top of work, work at school, ensembles, class, and homework, I'm trying to be social too. I'm organizing a potluck at my house on the one day that I have off of everything. I'm also planning on going to church and out to brunch with another friend that day, so I'm loading up my calendar. What would a day be without a rigid plan for every hour??
I had a dream last night that I was done with graduate school after this week. Surprisingly, I cried and cried because I didn't want to leave and didn't think that I was ready for the real world.
I guess I'm getting a little attached to this place.
I just bought the new iPod nano. It's silver and has room for 1,000 songs. I'm a very happy girl.
Apparently I have really good timing b/c they literally just came out with the new version today. It's more square and has a large color screen. It's a perfect size for what I need, which is just something to entertain me on the metro and to play orchestra pieces back when I'm learning the music.
It's so new the store doesn't have any accesories for it yet. That'll be my present to it next month I guess, maybe sooner. I don't want this one dying in 2 years. I would be very very sad.
This isn't mine, but you get the idea.
So here are some long-awaited pictures of my room and the gorgeous city I live in. And a picture of the enormous sundae you get at Ghirardelli Square just for good measure.
One of the biggest rewards of going to a school that lets you out of class for having an excuse like "I had to fly to Orlando to audition for a real job" is that I have absolutely no books to buy this semester. That's right. NO BOOKS.
So what did I do with the copious amounts of money that I set aside for books? Spent it on reading material for my 40-minute public transporation ride to school. The three I have started with are The Joy Luck Club because it's set in San Francisco and I've never read Amy Tan, Old School because it was highly recommended by the man that ran the used book store, and In the Merde for Love because it's a funny account of a man that lived in Provence for a year. I'm so excited about my ride to school and work now.
Well, it's the time for my weekly blog. I really don't plan this, I just realize that it's been forever since I've blogged and that those that read should be updated on what goes on in my life, however mundane it may seem to me.
I have officially signed up for classes and am taking 16 hours. To any normal Carolina student, that looks like a fairly normal load. But when you consider that I'm really only taking 2 classes that each have 3 credits, you start to wonder (or at least I do) if graduate school is just a joke and an excuse to pay people loads of money. No really, I'm actually ecstatic that my weekly flute lessons count for 4 credits - which in case you weren't counting, is actually MORE than a regular class. These conservatories actually have it right!!
I finally have pictures of my room, but seeing as it's almost 11 (aka 2 in the morning to any normal 20-year old) I am way too tired and lazy to post them tonight. You shall all soon see the splendor that is my room.
However.
I have officially decided that after these two years I will either live with one other person or by myself. None of this 3 other girls thing. It just doesn't work. Every time I get home from being away for 13+ hours, I find myself hoping and praying that no one is home and if I lived by myself, this wouldn't be a worry. Thank you Captain Obvious.
In other news, I'm gaining weight like crazy and plan on getting back onto my running routine for the third time since I've moved out to San Francisco. I swear, it's just all of these weird transitions that have got me getting out of a routine. I'm sure once I have school, work, and work study to tackle all in one day I'm going to be stopping running again, but at least I have my breaking point that tells me that I have to start exercising again or else I will need to buy a new wardrobe. Why, oh why can't I have one of those metablolisms that girls like Jennifer Smith have where they eat everything in sight and can't gain a pound. It's so not fair.
Highlights and lowlights of the past week (you decide which):
- getting stuck on the light rail system for 2 hours travelling from the East Bay back to the city after the 72,000 fans left Berkeley from the biggest and first football game of the season. I didn't even go to the stupid game but got stuck with all the drunkards!! grrrrrr
- seeing my friend, Bonnie, from Santa Barbara and buying new makeup
- getting a free fresh baguette from the local sourdough factory
- having the next 5 days off of work
- finding out one of my roommates is paying significantly less rent than I and not being able to say anything
- getting into the gig program where I get offered jobs and get paid $80/hour through the school
- not having to work on Labor Day/not getting to work on Labor Day and get paid time and a half
I'm such a grandma when that is true.
I also tend to have a pattern of blogging on Sundays. I guess it's really the only day that I feel like I truly have time off. Orientation wasn't too bad, but my brain certainly hurt after my 2 hour music theory test since I had to go straight to work for 8 hours after that. I've met a few new people, mainly one guy that I have a friend in common with, so we've been hanging out, but other than that I've been completely anti-social. Or working. Same difference.
Ummmm I can't think of what else to say. I guess I'll have more news when school starts and I'll know my schedule.
I bought a case (12 bottles) of Charles Shaw - otherwise known as 2 buck Chuck - with Erica and Ryder and with my friend Alexx preceded to drink half of the case. Ouch. Wine and strawberries and good conversation is the classiest way I've ever drank that much. It was a lot of fun actually.
I'm not sure the number of the new chapter I'm about to start in my life, but I'm pretty excited about it nevertheless.
Orientation starts on Tuesday for me and I'll get to start meeting people and proving how much I learned in my undergrad. Okay, well maybe I'll make a fool of myself, but I honestly don't think anyone has seriously studied for these placement tests we have to take. So I think I'll be in good company if I have to take a bunch of review classes. Plus, the ones that will have to take them will probably be the people that took a couple of years off and like me, can't remember for the life of them what they learned 5 years ago.
I'm getting my hair cut next week and I'm also pretty excited about that. No more of this growing it out to give to Locks of Love. Been there, done that. I look cute with short hair and it's easier to maintain. I just wish I could get my red back, but I don't feel like dyeing it myself or paying to get it done. Guess I'll have to be grateful for what God gave me ;)
Other than that, I'm just working, eating, and sleeping. Gee, life has been eventful.
Customer of the week:
The man who tried to haggle with me.
He obviously thought he was in a flea market, not Williams-Sonoma, because he came up to me and offered me 1/2 of the ticket price on a sale item. I half-laughed in his face, then calmly said, 'Sir, I can't give you a price other than what shows up in my computer. Sorry.'
Yes, my weekend is starting on Sunday. But I have three glorious days off. Of course I have a million and one things to do in those precious 72 hours, but no matter.
My brain is focusing on several important things right now:
#1 I just finished Harry Potter.
Life can resume again. I was blissfully unaware of the fact that the world existed when my nose was buried in that book, but now I suppose it's time to move on. Everyone was right. What a well-written ending. Man, I couldn't put it down during the last 250 pages.
#2 School is starting incredibly soon
I haven't even started studying and have basicallly resigned myself to enrolling in the stupie review classes, but honestly I think I would rather take them. It's been about 4 years since I've taken any generic music classes and it would be a good time to review. Plus I could sure use the extra time to practice (since I'm not expecting these classes to be anywhere close to academically rigorous and could pull a paper out of my butt any time they ask).
#3 My friend Amity is visiting for two days
I'm stoked to see someone that knows me, that knows important things that have happened in my life, and that I am 100% comfortable around. And I get to show her the city! And we get to go eat amazing food and have two days of vacation.