It's amazing how much thinking you do when you get up early and haven't had a lot of sleep. I've just been lying in my bed for the past 3 hours contemplating all aspects of my life right now. Uh oh, Amy's been thinking again.
But seriously.
I was just reading the Christian Science Monitor, a daily newspaper that I get that I've gotten very behind on. It's my favorite newspaper b/c it reports all the world events (world, not just national) in an unbiased and easy to understand way. Plus it has lots of pictures. And it has articles on really cool stuff that you would never find on CNN that actually reports some good stuff going on in the world, like how tribes in Africa are learning to forgive each other after decades of massacre. (What? The world's not completely falling apart and there's more to life than the Foley scandal??)
So reading this awesome newspaper plus having reflections on my life so far led me to feeling pretty inadequate about what I'm doing in the world. One guy in France has dedicated his life to uncovering unmarked Jewish grave sites created by the Nazis in the Ukraine and talking to the people that witnessed what is called the "Holocaust of Bullets." Keep in mind that not only is this man making his life's work uncovering the past and unearthing - literally - things that have been left too long under cover, but he was working with Mother Theresa by age 21! I'm 21. Hmm....
Okay, another issue I've been pondering a lot recently has been the issue of global warming. Talk about something that needs to be addressed and soon. Those that are working to inform the world and actually actively working on fixing the problem are few and far between, but they are doing something for the community and for the future. I play music. Okay, it's what I love to do and it's something that I have a talent for. But is bringing beauty into the world through my music-making enough? I know that most people switch careers multiple times in their lifetime, but I feel like I have so many options that I want to pursue and that I'm almost copping out because I'm just following what I've been doing for the past 12 years.
I guess my point is, those of you that are still searching for what you want to be doing in life, count yourselves blessed. Because the possibilities are endless.
I made 4 resolutions today in an effort to turn over a new leaf and get serious about grad school applications and grad school in general.
They were (in no particular order):
1. Work out at least 5 days every week. Being in good shape makes me feel better about myself and is good for my music since I have better air support, etc.
2. No snacking at work.
3. Drink more water. I used to drink so much at school. Water is so good for your body and my poor body right now is so dehydrated every day. It's time for a change.
4. Practice every day. This is sorta key and I don't really need to explain how this is going to help with grad school.
So I already broke #2. But I figure 3/4 isn't too bad. I worked my butt off at the gym, practiced more of my butt off and made a lot of progress, and drank a lot of water. So go me! But it's day #1. The no snacking thing was just wishful thinking. When I have a bad night at work, I eat my troubles away since I don't exactly do the getting stoned thing and I can't drink at work.
Oh, and to make up for the completely sucky night at work I had one of the most amazing croissants that I've had since I left France. Someone from the restaurant brought them in so I have no idea where they came from, but they're as close to the real thing as you can get. Mmm pain au chocolat.... it reminds me of the classroom I had right above the bakery. It's no surprise I gained 15 pounds while living in France.
I have a current new favorite song. Since I drive almost every single day somewhere (the gym, work, a flute lesson), the radio has become my new best friend. It always knows which songs I want to hear and plays them over and over. It's great. So my new song is called "The Girl Next Door" by Saving Jane and I like it because it embodies my whole 'second best' mentality and throws in the fact that I'm a musician (although I was never in marching band). If you want to listen to it, you can go to www.myspace.com/mlleflutiste
So yeah, I have a myspace account now too. Mostly because the people that I'm meeting now aren't in school and only use MySpace. And because it's a new way to suck up time. Actually, I only have 7 friends on there and I plan on keeping it about that way. I have no interest in spending loads of time on both Facebook and now a new one. That's not why I'm out here.
I've had a problem with productivity lately. Today I think the only productive things I did were working out, going to studio class, having a rehearsal, and practicing for an hour. Oh and I read the newspaper and got caught up on the world. But I'm really not sure what I did with the other 7 hours of the day.
I ate for the first time at my restaurant last night. It was amazing, fabulous, mouth-watering, highly enjoyable, and satifsfying. I went with one of my friends who is basically on the same wave-length with me on just about every single topic. The only real difference between us is that she's drop-dead gorgeous. I'm not kidding; everything else is pretty much the same and it's really cool to find somebody like that. But I digress. So we ended up sitting in the restaurant for about 2 1/2 hours just eating, talking, slowly sipping our one glass of wine, and soaking in the atmosphere. That's how dinner should be eaten every night. And the food was, as we say in the South, "to die for." I can't wait to take my parents there...
In the past week, I got two invitations to pre-Thanksgiving feasts/potlucks and they're both happening this week. One I knew I could go to because it was Thursday evening, but the other is Friday and I thought, 'hell will freeze over if i'm not working Friday night.' Well, folks, everyone's going to heaven b/c hell froze over. So not only do I get out of working Friday night, but I get to stuff myself silly with amazing food and drink two nights in a row. This week is really looking up. Good thing I have cycling tomorrow - I'm going to need to make some room for all that deliciousness headed my way.
So those are the most important events of the past few days. I think I've been reading the newspaper too much because I do short little blurbs on random events that are in no way connected to each other. It's like getting a Christmas newsletter with the events of an entire year all fit onto one page. Somehow my dad always seems to make it work... maybe I should get some pointers from him.
Blogger has informed me that this is my 100th post. So... I'm celebrating. Yay! Okay, celebrating over.
I had a sucky night at work because it was completely dead for a Friday night. But then after work, one of the new girls, Lili, and I came back to my place and just chilled out. I have recently felt the need to spill my entire story of the past two months to anyone that is sympathetic. Probably not the best idea when it refers to someone at work and I'm spilling to girls at work. I'm pretty sure they can keep their mouths shut though.
Today was hard because I knew that a lot of the same people that I went out with last night were hanging out, but instead I got to know Lili better (yay new friends!) and now am going to bed at a fairly decent hour - as opposed to 3 am, which has been a regular for the past two nights.
I'm beat emotionally and physically. It was really good to get my frustration out with someone that hasn't had to hear me say the same thing over and over for weeks on end but who totally affirmed the way that I was feeling. Affirmation is a wonderful thing.
I swear relationships aren't the only thing on my mind right now. But they do have an awful way of consuming a person and all of their mental energy even when it's not deserved at all. Dang it. I hate not being able to let go. Fortunately, I have about 4 of my girl friends out looking for prospective dates for me now. Something has to come to fruition from that...
Have you ever woken up in the morning and not been able to distinguish between reality and your dreams? That's how I feel this morning - a little lost, a lot disgusted, and really sad because my dreams were not fun.
I've yet again become the girl that just wasn't quite good enough. My semi-friend from work is now super interested in one of the new girls and we all hung out last night. They have so much in common and he has latched himself onto her. There goes Amy.
So many things should make this okay:
1. I'm supposed to be over him because he was a jerk to me.
2. The girl is fun, gorgeous, and great.
3. They have stuff in common! We really didn't.
All of this rationally makes sense to me, but I just can't shake that dejected feeling. I'm sure a lot of it is the whole 'getting worked up when another girl enters the picture.' I'm sure I would still really dislike him right now if there was no one else. Of course we all work together which makes it a little worse.
Don't worry, I'm just being dramatic. I'm sleep deprived and don't have much else to be thinking about, so it sort of consumes me. I'll work on changing that.
Oh and I ran my car into the security gate on my driveway last night because I was backing up and couldn't see where I was going. So now I get to have that fixed (the car, not the gate). Grrrrr...
Okay, deep breath, today is a new day.
I love that now, at 2:30 in the morning, is when I have the insights, vocabulary, and drive to write my personal statement. I've been trying for about 2 weeks now to get the right words, and tonight it's all flowing.
Let's add to this the fact that my computer now works in my room (which before it only got reception in the hallway near the front door) and that Blogger has decided that it will let me get on the website not once but twice. (Yes, I now think that my computer has a mind of its own and that if I upset it or move it too much it doesn't work for me. Anyone that says otherwise is wrong.)
So long, poor communication!
I've tried to sit down and write a blog several times in the past week and Blogger has just not liked me. So now, my computer is going super fast and it seems like fate to be getting caught up in the blog world.
Christa said something silly about Mercury and Venus and their alignment (I really don't remember) and how they make communication really bad over the next few weeks. Generally I don't subscribe to any of that floofy crap, but I have to say, that if I did I would be very impressed with the truth of it.
I went out Saturday night with some of my co-workers and ended up drinking a little too much. When I was dropped off, I must have dropped my ID in Cameron's car because I woke up the next morning wearing my gay co-workers t-shirt and without a driver's license. I drove to San Luis Obispo (an hour an a half away) nonetheless to spend the day with Ross, who is having an identity crisis and doesn't really know how to be around others (communication issue 1). When I got back on Monday, I went in to work to get my paycheck and was informed by one of the girls that I went out with that Cameron had my ID. Did he bother to call me? Would I have known about it had I not gone into work? (communication issue 2). Tuesday I got a call from work as I was leaving the gym telling me that they needed me to work b/c one of the new girls didn't show up. She apparently hadn't seen the schedule (communication issue 3). Well, I could go on, but you get the point.
This kind of stuff happens all the time though. And in a non-corporate restaurant with very un-strict rules, it's really easy to miss shifts or to not know what's going on all the time.
Graduate school stuff is constantly at the back of my mind and the biggest pain right now is writing a personal statement for each school. I don't like personal statements because 1) I'm not in school and everyone knows your vocabulary isn't quite as good when you're not being intellectually stimulated all the time and 2) When confronted with a question of who I am and why I do what I do (profiles on Facebook as another example) I can never come up with something cool even though I actually do have a pretty good hold on who I am - finally.
Besides that, the weeks are quickly flying by. My parents are coming out here for Thanksgiving and I'm actually really excited. They're the first visitors that I'll have and that I'll get to share my Californian world with. Augh! From here on out, I will have a million things on my mind with grad school and travelling and music and work, etc.
I finally took the time to upload some of my pictures onto the computer. Thus a pictoral tour of my new apartment and roommates. And of course, some Halloween fun.
This is my room and some of the free furniture that I got. The dresser is in good condition, no??
This is the view from my room. And it's what makes those extra hundred dollars completely worth living here.
Our cute kitchen. It's actually quite large and doesn't look like it in the picture.
My Mrs. Jiminy Cricket costume. I made the wings myself and they really took a beating when I went out on the Saturday before Halloween. How funny that I partied harder that night than on actual Halloween.
My roommate, Courtney, and I at the Goleta Lemon Festival. Lemon beer, lemon bars, and lemon-colored frisbees.
One of my favorite things to do is to sing at the top of my lungs to upbeat music while driving down the highway on a beautiful day. This happened multiple times today and it made my day very enjoyable.
I feel like so much is going on in my head and that the dam is about to burst and I will feel something - either panic at the few months ahead or a need for activity or something. But for now I feel almost apathetic. I'm watching from overhead and just nodding, as if I have no control over the days that pass. October flew by. I have so much to do for graduate school!! At the same time, it's nice to actually have a deadline for something because it will actually motivate me. Whereas recently I've just been living from day to day. Nothing wrong with either approach.
I feel that the more time I spend here and the more engrossed I get in my day to day life the harder it is to stay in touch. It was so easy over the summer and now talking to someone once a week is something that I have to consciously remind myself to do. Even then, only about 40% do I actually dial said person. (there is no specific one... it applies to all)
Halloween this year has actually been fun. I just got back from a flute studio party and I carved a rockin pumpkin and in general just had good hang out time. Then last night I visited downtown and had fun in the club but then ended up babysitting those that drank too much. So it was a really fun evening followed by a frustrating late evening/morning. Which reminds me that since I got in at 4:30 this morning, I really need to go to bed. Night!
Every year, I ask myself, 'Will I dress up?'
As the years progress, the older I get and the less I want to dress up. I don't know whether it's a lack of creativity or a very strong aversion to the many many girls that become sluts on this one hallowed eve. I have a problem with slutty-anything-Disney. Like Snow White, Cinderella, or even Dorothy. It's just wrong.
Sorry, I'm off my rant for now. So I decided that this was the year I was going to stop. I didn't want to participate in the Del Playa Rd. drunken walk that is identical to Franklin St. except a bigger (?) deal apparently. So I didn't see any need to get all creative and costumed up. Until I met my roommate, Courtney. And then that all changed.
So now I'm going as Mrs. Jiminy Cricket (a variation of the grasshopper that I was going to be, but with a top hat and a short black jacket) and she's going as a ladybug. I think the fact that I got to dress all in green and make my own wings and still be cute is what roped me in. I still feel like I'm being more adult about it because we're having a potluck dinner here before going downtown and seeing all the hooplah. It should actually be a lot of fun.
Besides all the Halloween stuff, there's a lot else going on, hence the not writing a lot. I just fill my days with working out, errands, work, and hanging out with my roommates. It's not an exciting life, but I really love it right now.
I would also like to add that today is October 26th and it was a toasty 76 today. I love California. Eat your heart out, those who have cold weather and snow. The only thing that saddens me is that I might not be able to use my very cool fireplace.
Tonight, I met some fellow Tarheels and it was so much fun! I really love my job because I get to talk about myself all the time and get to call it work. All I have to do is stand there with a tray or something that I've been passing and talk to my customers about my life and theirs and I get paid to do it! Oh, all the getting them food stuff is the easy part and takes about 1 hour total out of the 5 or 6 hours that I'm at work.
So I met this couple that I talked to the entire half hour break that I took around 10:00 and I didn't even mind the fact that I never really sat down all night. Then the bride's parents were both alums of Carolina and talked my ear off for about 20 minutes about how the mom used to be a cheerleader and asking me where I lived and hung out, etc. Then I got my name out at a museum that we were catering at right across the street and they might hire me as a background musician. That's really what makes working worthwhile - when I make connections in the music world.
I have to add that since I was the bartender at the museum gig, I had a little something something before getting back to the restaurant. Completely unprofessional, but it made the night soooo much more fun and easier to get through. I was just more social with my customers, that's all.
Tomorrow is a double at work, but I don't think I'll be pulling the 13 hours that I did last week. My co-worker/ on and off fling boy is having a party tomorrow night to celebrate his bday and has invited the world to it. It's in Isla Vista and is your typical college party and I'm really debating going. One of my other co-workers, Mariano, will be going and I think as long as I stick w/ him and leave when he does I'll be okay. I just don't trust myself around Cameron (fling boy) and there will be a million and one underage slutty college girls to distract him so I don't expect to actually be noticed.
There's just nothing much going on in my life and I'm filling up each day with lots of activities and finally have a routine, so I don't feel like blogging much. I actually feel like I'm not as good about keeping in touch w/ y'all. So sorry if I haven't called recently - it's not because I don't want to know what you're up to.
- avocadoes and/especially guacamole
- lifting weights for upper body strength
- staying up late and sleeping in (this summer I had gone to old lady status going to bed at 9 at night, but the young twenty-something is back in full force)
- eating some types of mushrooms - I never thought I would say that.
- a fabulous room and even more fabulous roommates
- learning Spanish. Que hora es? Son los tres menos quince de manana. Soy loco! (Feel free to correct me... that's what learning is all about)
- discovered Pandora.com - really really cool music website that introduces you to lesser known artists that sound very similar to bands/singers you already like.
Okay, seriously it's 3 in the morning and I need to go to bed.
you're on a different schedule than your friends?
Last night I was bone tired and went to bed the second I got home, even though my roommates and probably everyone else was out partying. Tonight I got off work early and both of the guys that I had plans with flaked and then my roommate went to bed the second I got home.
Fortunately, I curled up with a glass of wine and a movie on my laptop and I was semi-content. I really wanted to get my groove on in a club, but you can't have that every week I guess.
I have a day off! I'm so excited I don't know what I'll do first - work out or practice. Both might sound boring, but I like having my routine.
Oh, and I have my camera back - I will post pics of my apartment and life in Cali soon.
I just spent an hour laughing my face off from the "best of" craig's list. I don't even remember how I got to the website, but this one is one of my favorites.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/216963357.html
It ties in perfectly with Friday night's customers at the restaurant. I called it PDA night because no joke - every table that I had had a couple at it making out. Seriously people!!!! Don't make out in a restaurant!!!! No one wants to see that!!
Oh man, I'm still exhausted from my 13 hour day yesterday. And I have to go in today too. I think I'll lie in bed until then...
I'm in the middle of a very long shift at work. Well, they're letting me come home and sleep and check my email, but seriously, I'm basically not going to be leaving this weekend except to sleep.
I had a long evening tonight and then tomorrow I'm working from 11 until who knows when b/c we have 150 people coming in for dessert at 10:30 at night and there's not really any stopping in between. But I'm getting paid overtime to be there and it'll be good bonding time for me and my co-workers. They really do make working there bearable.
So the day that I got my beloved camera back my iPod dies. I have the worst luck w/ technology sometimes!
Okay -- since I'm not going to be available this weekend to actually call anyone, I need some advice online. I met a guy at Colleen's wedding and he was a nice guy, but I didn't feel an amazing connection or anything. Well, he has called me on a regular basis (about 2 or 3 times a week) since then. We're talking a month and a half at this point. Recently he's been calling when I've been busy and I haven't called him back. Frankly, I just don't have anything to say to him and we really don't have all that much to talk about. I just have no idea how to even approach the situation because if I call him, he'll think I'm interested. I really really don't want to have a DTR with someone where there is no relationship and I'm passive aggressive anyway. But I also don't want to be the person that just never answer his calls and hopes he gets the message. Advice?
Talk about working with some characters... tonight my friend Mariano comes up to me and says "I'm really messed up right now." Apparently he did coke in the middle of his shift. Then Cameron decided that it would be fun for one of the girls to put mascara and lip gloss on him. Something tells me he might have been a little messed up too. You can tell I've been working around them too long when this really doesn't shock me. I've actually have sort of become one of the guys, which I have mixed feelings about.
Gah, I really need to go to bed! Away, blasted computer!
While these past 5 days have been fun because they've been full of activity, I haven't had a whole lot of time to just sit around. I know, I know, if I'm not complaining about not having enough to do, I'm complaining about being too busy. There's just no pleasing me.
Today was the day that everyone moved in and it's been a lot of fun so far. I was working, then meeting someone for coffee, so I didn't even get back until 6 and then I hung out with my new roommates! They're super cool and very chill and fun to just talk to. But by 10, I was needing my own space. Since I haven't gotten my bed yet (it's coming thursday), I'm still staying in the guest room, but it's my own room that I can go to and shut my door.
It's the best of both worlds - you have your own room, your own space (and quite a large one, I might add. I really want to take pictures soon), but you can mingle with your friends whenever you want. I know most people have already experienced the apartment thing, but I really haven't yet, so it's an exciting time for me. One of my roommates, Courtney, has brought everything she owns and has filled our kitchen and has a membership to Costco - so we can go grocery shopping together! Sweet!
But I'm exhausted and I really like my alone time. So I'm going to bed early and then I'm going to get up, go to my cycling class, go shopping for my new room, and then go to work. Another busy day, but I think with my new roommates I will never really be bored with lots of down time. Which is actually a really good thing.
I'm really excited about the next 7 months!!! I think I have 3 new friends that will do lots of stuff with me, finally.
I went to a gay bar last night.
Man, I really never thought that would happen, but it did and it was completely unintentional. And I have to say, it was a whole lot of fun. I think it's because you can go there and know that you're not going to have to dance with some sweaty Mexican or disgustingly drunk frat boy. I went with some of my co-workers, one of whom is gay and a sweetheart and we had the best time.
I think it surprised my co-workers to see me let loose. I'm apparently really uptight in situations where I feel like I have to prove myself, mostly work and school. I let my hair down last night and the shock of the guys I was with was equivalent to that of my fellow study abroad students when I showed up drunk (off of champagne) to class after we won the basketball championship. They just don't see it coming.
Also today was the first time that I've ever signed a lease to rent a place of dwelling. I'm a real adult now! And can I say it was just the tiniest bit stressful. There are ten zillion rules and things that you're responsible for and it was a little overwhelming, especially since out of my four roommates, I'm the one that has committed to staying the longest.
Oops, gotta go. Wow, I just got 3 calls in the span of a minute. No joke.
Here are some long overdue pictures from my trip to San Francisco. I think next time I will want to do stuff besides all the touristy things b/c I didn't fall in love with the city like everyone else I know on the west coast. I haven't met a single person who hasn't had some sort of "oooh that's my favorite city" comment when I talk about SF.
I wish I had pictures of the conservatory. So far, that's my favorite part about the city. That and the 4-story tall Williams-Sonoma. And the glass elevator. And Ghiradelli chocolate. And... Okay, so I like San Francisco.
Apparently, the day that we walked the Golden Gate Bridge was one of the clearest of the summer.
On the other side of the bridge (it's a mile and a half long and my mom and I walked both ways) it's super windy. Note my 'bug eye' sunglasses. I couldn't find a single pair of normal sized ones when I had to replace my old ones. Sheesh.
I want my camera back so that I can post more pictures and show that I do have a life here. Stupid new camera that broke...
So right now I'm just wasting time until work this afternoon. We have yet another wedding to do today. I've worked a wedding for the past 3 nights. I guess it's just that season, huh? Oh well, no complaints here since I just have to sample the various different kinds of cakes that are out there. Personally I will stay away from the fondant for my wedding. Sure it looks pretty, but who wants to eat something the consistancy of chewing gum?
One more pretty shot of the Golden Gate.
I had an epiphany while eating lunch today. Why are men like food, you ask?
- we (women) crave what's bad for us
- after we've had what's bad for us, generally we feel a little nauseous, and yet quite satisfied
- eventually we'll end up having food that's good for us and realize that it's way tastier than the junk food we ate before. Then we'll wonder why we wasted all that time with french fries, etc.
- then we fall off the bandwagon and crave what's bad for us again
- most people have certain foods they avoid altogether, while others are more adventurous and will try anything once.
Okay, so the analogy is a little stretched. But I liked it at the time.
Plus, I love eating. I'm definitely of the type that will try anything once - except mushrooms. Mushrooms are gross (I sorta see the equivalent as druggies... get it? shrooms??).
It is now Thursday. For the past 3 days, I've been running around like crazy because:
-On Tuesday, I found out that there was someone that wanted to live here (in the downstairs portion) and needed a 4th roommate. So we hustled to get all the paperwork done.
- On Wednesday, I had to get a check to my landlady, go to my yoga class, and go to work.
- Today I went to the gym, did laundry, went grocery shopping, mailed some letters, and on the way home found free furniture. Talk about excellent timing!
The day that I find out that I have permanent housing for the rest of my stay in Santa Barbara and that I need to furnish my own room, I find a free bookshelf, dresser, and futon chair all in great condition. Whew! Plus, I've been on the phone with someone just about every hour today b/c it's one of my phone's good days. (I swear there' s a cycle...)
Oh, and every time that I needed help lifting something, either the owner of the furniture was there, or a workman at my house, or the trash man helped. That's right - the SB trash man helped me get my chair into my car. Not to mention the fact that if I didn't have my car (a Chevy Blazer) I wouldn't have been able to move any of that stuff!
So tonight I'm going to enjoy the fact that I have lots of good food in the house, then go to an Irish pub to hear one of my friends play in an Irish band, then watch Grey's Anatomy with some cool people. I'm so blessed.
You know you have a hard workout when you wish all sorts of evil on the instructor and look at the clock desperately hoping that time has run out just to discover that it's only been half an hour.
Also, there were several points where I mentally said, "oh, hellll no" and turned down the resistance on my bike.
Hahahaha. And I still had an amazing workout and completely deserve the huge pile of nachos that I had for lunch. That is why I love exercise.
Well, I actually got a lot done today, but I can only do so many errands in one day. This whole having a lot of free time thing is not really my cup o' tea.
Thus the reason that I spent an hour and a half at Michael's today trying to find some sort of craft to start so that I don't go crazy. Of course I didn't find anything that was fitting because if I'm going to spend a lot of time and creativity, I want it to be special and something that I want to keep for a long time b/c I'm not about to go craft crazy just trying to find something to fill my time. So I want one thing that will be a good use of my free time.
As a result of a party that we had at work the other day I had 2 coupons for a free deluxe car wash and I got them b/c the guy that was in charge of handing out awards to the guests was drunk. Hahahahaha. Don't worry, I wasn't the one that got all the coupons from him. I was a second-hand freeloader. The point is, my car is sparkly clean now. Hurrah!
I also got gas today for $2.92. That, folks, is cheap for California. And it keeps going down!
Sigh - you know you have no excitement in your life when you get cheap gas thrills you.
Um, I don't have anything else to share. Sorry. Happy Monday!
I joined the local Y this afternoon. And they waived my joining fee... so I'm excited that I belong to a gym and that I get to work out tomorrow afternoon.
I'm also grateful that:
- I got off work early
- I have no desire to spend time with boys that don't deserve my time
- I get to go grocery shopping tomorrow
- I got an anonymous comment (oh the mystery!)
- my life really is going well despite recent crappy events
- I'm respected and liked at work
- I'm going to bed right now
and my breath smells and feels awful because I had 4 handfuls of honey mustard and onion pretzels right before leaving work. Good thing I'm not kissing anyone tonight ;)
This is not going to be a happy post.
I didn't get into the orchestra that I auditioned for last night - I just thought I would put that out there first so that I don't have to call you all and let you know about my latest rejection.
I'm currently in a very small wallowing stage which will be followed by a large "I need to get my life back together" stage. This was a really good wake up call on nerves, who and what I am playing for, and what my goal ultimately is. I was READY for this audition. I rocked my mock audition. Then what happened when I saw the 20 other people that were good? I balked. I thought 'I'm not good enough for this.' And then I screwed up my audition.
I didn't realize how much I had riding on this. And this is also why I shouldn't tell so many gosh darn people about my big auditions because now I have a lot of people to tell that I didn't get in. And I love that that's what I focus on - not all the lessons that I need to learn from this and what I can do better next time - no I still think about what others think of me even after I freak out at the audition over what others think of me.
The sucky part is that this has nothing to do with my playing. I'm a good flutist and I'm not ashamed to say it. I could have gotten into that orchestra. But mentally I screwed up. And that's not something you can prepare for every day because it's a completely foreign setting until you're in it and then you have 1 minute to prove yourself.
How fitting that my rejection from grad school is what turned me away from God for a while and now my incredibly similar rejection is pushing me to go back. I think it's the security and the knowledge that not everything rests on my shoulders. Sometimes I think that even if I didn't think that God existed I would still need faith of some kind so that I didn't feel like I was doing this all on my own.
Well, it's a sad sad week. I will be missing every single one of the TV shows that I normally watch. And since I have no DVR (I miss Katherine's amazing television) and no other way to record, I will not get to see the season premiere of Gilmore Girls, one of the final episodes of Project Runway, or the second episode of Grey's Anatomy. I know, life is tough.
Fortunately, I have the knowledge that in about a year I can go out and rent DVDs of the entire season of whatever it is and watch them without commercials or interruptions.
It's really not the end of the world, especially since I will be at work and earning the moolah.
I have a bone to pick with myself: I think and write about money way too much. Truth time? It's basically how I was raised because we've never been rolling in the dough and although there's always been cushion, it's never been comfortable. Plus my mom is an accountant and has taught me to be very careful about how and when I spend money. Add to this the fact that I am trying to be completely independent from my parents and you get me always thinking about how much something costs or what I'm going to be saving up for or what I would really love to buy but probably can't right now. And then I go out to dinner with one of my friends and it's all good.
I think I could not go shopping for months (in fact I haven't), but if I was never able to go out to dinner or get a smoothie once in a while, I would go crazy. I love spending money on food more than just about anything else. Okay, money talk over.
Well the housing search continues and I found a really great place last night, but I still haven't heard from them even though they said they would let me know today. It's just so frustrating to go meet people that you might be living with for the next 9 months and then find out that they picked someone else. It feels like a waste of time, but you never know when it's really the people that you will be living with. I guess it's sorta like meeting someone for the first time that ends up being your best friend. You have to meet all those people and form the first bits of a relationship even without knowing if you'll get to know each other so much better in the next few years.
Jonathan and I were talking about how we miss the friends we made at Carolina and how it seems like no one else where we've moved to is of the same caliber. But then I realized that that's how freshman year felt like. In fact, I didn't start meeting my very best friends until the end of freshman year. So it takes a while, and for me it's frustrating because I might not even be here next year. I might be in a completely different state and having to start the whole process all over again.
At the same time, I like that I'm meeting all these different people and am able to start fresh while being able to keep those old friendships going through phone calls and blogs ;) I just wish I could have both at the same time.
Blockbuster should have closed down when they saw me coming. It would have been better that way. Because now I just spent the past 4 or so hours watching Grey's Anatomy Season 2. I have an addiction and the only way I can get over it now is to watch more! It's Sex and the City all over again. Thank goodness there are only 2 seasons of GA, though.
Okay, I just want to say that the communication gods totally hate me. I get no calls for a good two weeks except for my parents or someone from work and then on one day I get bombarded by texts and calls, and usually all while I happen to be busy or on the phone with someone else. Why do I not get them all spread out so I can enjoy them? Don't get me wrong, I love feeling popular, so I'm really only semi-complaining. But seriously, this hasn't happened just once - it's like a cycle. Well, I love being busy and today was one of those days except for the past few hours when I was a lazy bum.
I need to stop writing posts late at night. I'm not profound and big words don't come to me. But perhaps they're more amusing, no?
you know those phone calls that you really shouldn't make when youre druink?
i just made ohne of those. good job.
I need something with which to occupy my time when I'm not working. Errands, practicing, and exercise can only take up so much of my day. Suggestions? So far, my list of things I could pick up are:
surfing
reading (I need to find somewhere cool to go though, reading in your room is loser-ish when you're in California)
needlepoint
learning Spanish
getting a second job
So that's all I have. It needs to be accessible and preferably something to get me off my butt and out of the house, but not waste a lot of gas or require parking downtown. I'm so picky! Soon I'll be thinking about grad school and then I think the time will go quicker b/c there's so much to do for those applications. Maybe I'll just ask to work more.
However, the exciting news is that I have friends now! Yay for Amy making friends! So now I have people to do things with. Haha I promise I'm not a loser ...
I'm officially addicted to Grey's Anatomy, like almost every other person I know.
But all I could think during tonight's show is that I want to find that someone who will cry like their heart is breaking when (if) they find out I just didn't make it. I'm actually talking about Omar, not Izzy, but both apply I guess. It's times like those - even though they're unrealistically portrayed on tv - that let me know that I will have something special eventually and it's okay that I don't have it right now.
hm, i'm tired and I'm not sure that makes sense. good night!
I'm back from San Francisco and am now prepared to be 'holed up' in Santa Barbara until probably Christmas. But my trip was awesome!! I got to see my mom, I got to be spoiled rotten, and I got to see a really beautiful city.
As always with family, my mom and I bickered a lot of the time, but it was all in good fun. That's what happens when you travel with someone that you know really well, right? I've always thought that that will be the best test of whether I can marry someone - if we can survive a road trip somewhere far away and not kill each other by the end.
I did so much, it's hard to break it down. And my camera is officially broken, so the pics on my mom's won't get to me until about 2 weeks from now. I did all the touristy stuff: ride a cable car, drive down Lombard St., walk the Golden Gate Bridge, see the view of the city from different vistas, and go to Chinatown. All of those were really fun esp. hanging out on the cable car going down a really steep street.
I also was an immense dork and went to the Williams-Sonoma store in Union Square. Folks, this is the mecca for W-S employees. It's 4 stories tall and has everything you can possibly imagine. There are cash registers on each floor, two kitchens, and so much space it's not even funny. Okay I'm done with my dorkiness, but my co-workers back in Charlotte will be so proud. I also rode a glass elevator in the Westin hotel, but it's not open to the public, so my mom and I had to be sneaky sneaky and act like we were staying there. It was actually really hard to find, but completely worth it since it went really fast and went about 32 stories into the air with nothing around you but glass. It was SWEET.
I love travelling and I love driving and I got to do a lot this past week, so I'm a happy girl. And I got to see my mom, so that was fun.
On another note, Grey's Anatomy starts this evening and I plan on being there with bells on. Or something. I think if you're a fan of the show, you will understand how exciting it is that my cousin (the 9 year old that lives in Santa Monica) goes to school with Isaiah Washington's son and they're in the same grade. I asked Alex if he knew him and he sorta shrugged his shoulders and was like, "oh, _____ (I forget his name, K something) sure! do you like him?" I told him I didn't know him, but Alex apparently is good friends with him. I need to hook that up.
In a related story, my aunt and uncle have a signed copy of a fold-out in People of the cast of Grey's Anatomy and everyone has signed it. If anyone wants it and wants to suggest a price they would pay for it, I will relay the message.
OH
I forgot the most important thing. San Francisco Conservatory. It's amazing and now my #1 school. There's nothing wrong with it. Most schools have at least one minus, but this one doesn't. The location is in the heart of downtown right next to Symphony Hall, the city is amazing, the weather is great, the people are nice, it's a small school, there are plenty of performance opportunities, they don't have a wind ensemble, and one small tiny detail: they just built an $80 million facility that has just opened this year. It's spectacular.
Okay, so there is one minus. San Francisco is very expensive to live in, but hopefully they'll love me enough to give me almost a full ride :)
The fog has lifted and I'm driving to LA today. A perfect driving day! So I'm going on vacation, I"m boy-less, and soon to be worry free for a good week or so.
Jon Davis had a disturbing away message that gave all the reasons why you shouldn't write in a blog. Mostly it was stuff like "you should have a life, not write about wanting a life". Hmmmm. Or "you need affirmation". Well, that one's true. But I also like to pretend that I'm actually talking to someone and I'm a lot better at writing than talking. So there.
Have a good weekend!
One of my biggest ones is people not calling when they say they will. However, since I am usually an exceedingly forgiving person (to the point that its sorta bad), I will usually accept just about any excuse when they do get around to calling me. This is not directed at my friends b/c I can talk to them anytime I want and I'm used to being the initiator. This is directed at people that I don't know very well that are still in the stages of "make a good impression on me."
Technology has hated me today. I've called numerous people only to get answering machines, I've gotten on IM for a good minute and attempted to talk to people who have apparently been idle, and my cell phone didn't get a very important text message.
It's just one of those days, I guess.
Good thing I'm going on a semi-vacation tomorrow. I think it'll be good to get out of Santa Barbara for a while.
Spinning is amazing. I'm not talking about going around in a circle until you get dizzy - I'm talking about those crazy people on stationary bikes. I miss it so much and I went to a class today because I had a guest pass. Then I came home and made myself scrambled eggs, kielbasa, and cut up a pear. It was an amazing morning. Let's hope the productivity lasts.
Whoa, better watch out Megan. I've been writing a whole lot more than you recently. Boo yah.
I'm really glad that my computer can't give me a count of how many times I go online and check my regular websites (email, blogs, craig's list, and facebook - usually in that order). Today would not have been a happy count. I really need to find something to fill my days because you would think that practicing my tail off would be one of them. But no. I go through weekly phases where I'll practice a lot and it'll get me ready for whatever is coming up and then I slack off. Maybe that's all that I need for a year off, but I'm definitely not reaching my full potential. Yikes, I'm harsh on myself.
I did, however, get a lot of reading done today. The book I'm reading now is one that I think every girl should read no matter where they are in life. Since I know at least someone in every category from never been kissed to newly married, this is the book for them. Girls, go out and buy Real Sex: the naked truth about chastity. Correction, if you're Christian and a girl, go out and buy this. It's exactly what I need at this point in my life, but I think it is good for any point in life, as I've said.
Oops, I could go on but Gilmore Girls calls. Yes! Priorities!
Man, I missed having my own room for two days. Now I'm back in the big queen bed and I have everything at my fingertips. That's all.
Oh, and I have a day off tomorrow, then work for one night and then it's off to explore California!
I really, really, really want to join the YMCA here. I'm going to do a grown-up budget session tomorrow to see if it's feasible because it would be the motivation that I need right now to get in shape.
So it's 2 am and I'm still awake. Well mainly it's because if I lie down for a second my entire head becomes congested. Lovely image, I know. Normally I'm the person that just suffers in the dark waiting for sleep to come, but I'm trying the other method that most normal people try which is to stay awake until you're so tired you can't stand it.
I had to give up my room for the weekend b/c the lady that I rent from is putting up her ex-husband in the guest room. This would be a fine arrangement except that I'm 1) sick and 2) sleeping on a blow up matress that basically would fit a midget. Sorry to be politically incorrect, but it's true. My sleep is broken at best on this stupid thing. Thankfully it's only for two nights, so I get the real bed back tomorrow.
I just finished Memoirs of a Geisha, the book and then almost immediately watched the movie. I had started the movie two weeks ago when I hadn't read the book and couldn't get through it, but after reading the book, I see that it was really well done and exquisitely directed and shot.
Tonight I met up with one of my former roommates for dinner and fun activities and I had exactly what I wanted for dinner. We're not talking close enough - it was exactly what I had been craving. For those who know me best, this is something to be celebrated. (Just so you know, it was chicken with sun-dried tomatoes and artichokes in a rosemary cream sauce on spinach fettucine). Later I went to go hear one of my friends play the flute in an Irish pub. The whole band sounded great and I wish I could have stayed there all night. One of the things that I love about Santa Barbara is that there is always something fun to do and usually it's cultural, artistic, or has something to do with the beach. *Sigh* I'm not sure I want to leave....
This has been the month for travel and I'm leaving this week for LA and San Fransisco. I'm actually excited about visiting my mom up north, but I really wish I didn't have to go to LA to babysit my cousin. I certainly owe it to my uncle and aunt who have been doing everything to make me feel more at home in California, but I'm missing some major work nights and I'll pay for it (literally) later. Thankfully, I won't be leaving Santa Barbara again for another two months when I get back, so I'll be able to work my little tail off.
Ooh, I found a new pasttime I think. Malca (the lady I rent from) took me to her country club for lack of a better word today. We did laps in the pool and then sat in the steam room. It was so refreshing! I haven't been swimming in so long - my legs were really burning, but it's such a greta form of exercise. So I think I'm going to join the local Y and do swimming and spinning. I miss being in shape and have been trying, but I think I need more of a strict regiment.
Well, I'm not tired, but I think I need to end this post anyway. It's gotten a bit long.
Right now I'm not sure about a whole lot of things; where I stand spiritually, where the heck my morals have gone, and who I'm becoming. But after a long conversation, I know that God is showing His love for me through my friends. You truly are just an extension of my family by being the ones that I can turn to.
I'm a mess. Talking things over with a best friend helps so much and I always forget that until I get up the nerve to expose myself and all my flaws. But no one's perfect and I think I come to some of my best conclusions and decisions after being reassured that I'm not spiralling out of control like I sometimes feel.
Or something like that. I'm so excited about having my own kitchen that I went a little crazy when I went shopping yesterday. But, I have successfully made several dishes that required more than a microwave or a quick saute.
Since last night I have made Oreo pudding, jumbalaya with cornbread, and pizza. Okay, so the pizza doesn't count but the others I have actually had to use a mixing bowl and a knife to prepare. This is a big step from how I've been spending time in the kitchen for the past two months. Now I'm actually cooking like a single adult! I was so proud of myself when the cornbread came out perfectly and tasted divine.
On top of this delicious new change in my life, today has been a fabulous flute day and I sound like a orchestra diva in my room because the acoustics are amazing. On second thought, maybe I should practice in another room to make myself work harder and then use this room as a reward.
Let's hope that later today my luck doesn't change because right now I'm playing the "I can wait another day even though my gas tank is on empty" game. With my new car, I haven't learned how far I can push it. I think that I should probably not push my luck and just stop at the next gas station I find. Okay, well off to work!
I have officially moved into my new place and am already feeling really good about it. I have my own kitchen (!) that as of right now, I don't have to share with anyone. It's sorta sad to not be around any roommates, but I think I need this alone time.
For every down side to my new living situation, there's an equally good side. I'm not near any of the people that I've met over the past couple months, but I'm a 3 minute drive from work. I don't have a bike any more, but I have a car. I have to spend more money on groceries and gas, but I'm not paying nearly as much as I will when I move to my more permanent apartment. And, I have internet!!! I don't have things to do late into the night, but that means that I'll probably get a better sleeping schedule and be able to get up and run in the mornings.
I really want to go join a gym. But I need to do a budget first because I have convinced myself that I can spend a whole lot more money than I actually can.
On the boy front, I've finally found someone who I connect with emotionally and physically and who I can be myself around. Most of the other guys that I've met I haven't really cared if I see them again, but with him I do care. That's probably the reason that after we had a really great night together, he hasn't talked to me in two days even though I know we had a great time. Well, what's life without a little relationship drama?
I think I get to lay low for about a week and a half and get more comfortable with my new place and then it's off to San Fransisco and LA for a week. Should be fun, but I'm looking forward to October when I have absolutely no plans of going anywhere. I can just stay here and practice and make money. Woohoo.
But I also love getting back to the place that I live and catching up on everything that has accumulated over the past few days. I love reading 20 emails instead of checking every day and only getting a couple good ones. I love going grocery shopping. Heck, I'm even slightly excited about packing today and moving tomorrow. Note, however, that I am blogging before I face that daunting task and before I attempt to practice after many days off.
I want more of my friends to get married. This is simply because weddings are so much fun and you get treated like royalty even if you're not the bride. It's a time of celebration and joviality and a little bit of stress just to keep it realistic.
Colleen's wedding was beautiful, classy, and fun. It was the best wedding that I've been to to date. I was so relaxed the entire time except when I had to play for the service and I was horribly out of tune - not good when a majority of the bridal party are musicians. I got a manicure, which besides a pedicure is one of my favorite pasttimes and I wish I had the money to get one every couple weeks because I totally would. I also just got to meet lots of really sweet people and see what it's like to have a huge family with relations everywhere. Too bad I'm not the one getting married into either family because now I know everyone and I probably won't see any of them ever again. Oh well, it was still great getting to know these amazing families.
I also got to act as a bridesmaid and was there for Colleen's last night as a single woman in which we got smashed and laughed for an hour about a washcloth in the toilet. Yup, it was one of those nights. It was so nice to see everyone having such a good time the entire weekend and Colleen was the opposite of a bridezilla - she just went with the flow and sometimes took the lead when a decision had to be made.
There were several sad stories accompanying such a great weekend and they all had to do with the stupidity that is airport security. On my way out, I had just gotten off of work the day before and gone straight to the train station, so I packed my apron with my other belongings. When my suitcase was scanned in the xray machine, they saw my wine opener and because I had already checked a bag and didn't want to go through it all over again, I had to surrender it. Grr! I paid good money for that stupid corkscrew. On my way back, I had just bought a bottle of water and was unscrewing it when I got in line for the security scanners. The guy in charge looked at my bottle and told me that I would have to throw it out. I know the rule about liquids, but I figured since it was extremely obvious that I had just bought it, I could get away with it. Wrong. I had to leave the line, down my refreshingly cold H2O and get back in line sans water bottle. Grr times two.
Well, I get to go travel some more in a couple weeks when I visit my mom in San Fransisco. Besides that, I'm hoping to make some more money at the restaurant and get settled into my new place. Life is good!
One of the guys that I work with is fairly new along with me.
He's really cute and is older without really looking it - he's 29 and is a computer graphics designer. Last night he casually threw into the conversation the fact that he's been married before and it lasted 6 years.... At first, I was thrown off by the fact that this boy that I've been interested in has been married. Then I was thrown off by the fact that this was so casually said by him. It was definitely one of those times when you really want to know more but you obviously can't ask the one question that everyone wants to ask, "what went wrong?"
Finally, I was thrown off by the fact that he's 29 - which means that he got married when he was around my age or a little later and now is divorced. What a scary thought! Thankfully I had lost interest in him before last night or else I would have been worried that something like this would have completely turned me off. But would that be such a bad thing? I guess it just intimidates me that there are people in the world my age that have lived what seems like much fuller lives. But maybe they've had to grow up too fast and are now wishing that they had taken a year or two off.
When I was talking to one of my friends on the phone the other day, I came to the realization that a year off for me should be exactly that - a year off. I shouldn't be worried about trying to live my life exactly like I did in North Carolina because 1. I was a student there and 2. I'm in a new place experiencing new things. I had been beating myself up for relaxing and not being on the go all the time, but I'm learning that sometimes you just gotta take a step back and enjoy what's thrown in your path.
The only big regret that I have right now is that I'm not in a very spiritually uplifting place in church or with the friends that I've made so far. I didn't think that I would miss it this much, but I do and now I'm not sure how to get it back.
wow - 2 posts in one day. I told you I have too much free time some days. It's also because I'm avoiding packing... *shh* don't tell.
I have adopted from Christa the habit of not titleing my blog entries and I sorta like it. Mainly just because I'm too lazy or uncreative enough to think of titles.
Anyway, I'm just now realizing that I need to get into high gear for these next few days because I'm leaving for Cincinnati very soon and when I get back I'm supposed to move out of my apartment! So today after working lunch and practicing, I have to start putting all my crap back into boxes and luggage. Bleh... I hate moving, but at least I have somewhere to move to.
I have a lesson and work tomorrow and then work again on Wednesday and somehow I'm getting down to LA on Wednesday evening. I love being busy :) It just means that I really shouldn't have gone grocery shopping last night because I won't be around to eat meals. My apartment is really empty right now - I guess a lot of the girls went home for Labor Day, so right now it's just me and my roommate and then after I leave, it'll be just her for a couple days! Lucky girl.
Hm, not much to report. I might be internet-less for a couple weeks or more. I have no idea what the computer situation is at this place I'm staying, but since it's an older lady who doesn't own a cell phone, I'm thinking the outlook is not so good (now I feel like an 8 ball). We'll see. I might go crazy with no internet since I'm used to checking Craig's List pretty much every hour for new housing ads.
Okay, I might not be homeless when I get back from Cincinnati. This lady that's a client of my uncle's lives here in Santa Barbara in a SWEET house and she said she would be willing to let me rent out her guest room for a month or two while I find housing. I actually feel really great about it since she would be giving me a good deal and I would be living close to work and would have a car. So we'll see how it all works out. Already after my conversation with her I feel a whole lot less stressed out.
Friday night at work was painful. We normally make over $200 each and are so busy that it's 10:00 before you know it. Last night we had 5 waiters on staff and about 10 reservations for the whole night. That's not enough for a Friday night... and not many people were walk-ins. So I got sent home at 9 - bleh. Oh well, I've been having some really good shifts besides that.
I'm not the kind of person who gets a whole lot of phone calls, but today three of my good friends called me all in succession! It was a great phone day.
Oh and random - one of the ladies that I was going to room with gave me the number of this girl from NC who is also moving out here and will be a grad student at UCSB. We talked today and we discovered that we both just graduated from Carolina. She was an art history major there and she knows some of my friends from high school. What a small world!
I met a boy that I can spend hours talking to and that I have good chemisty with. Is he from Santa Barbara? no. Have I spend more than one day with him? no. Will I? Well, he doesn't even know if he's going to move here. Life is so darn ironic it kills me.
I have nowhere to live and I'm moving out of my current place in a little over a week!!!!!!
augh!!!!
(I will trust... I will trust...)
I just learned yesterday how to ride a bike with a surfboard under one arm. I looked like a true California surfer girl. hehe.
I just had one of the most awkward encounters of my life. It was the awkward turtle and salmon combined. I'm sad that it's 3 in the morning on the east coast because I need someone to sympathize with me.
Tonight I was so busy at work that I had no time to appreciate the beautiful 4 month old girl twins that were at my table. I worked a party of 22, a party of 8, and three other tables in one evening. Phew! But I made over $200 in one night. Booyah!!
I think my blog and I go through rollercoaster times just like all my other relationships. Right now we're in a slump. Blog, I have nothing to say to you. This is probably a good thing because it means that things are going pretty okay right now. I think it also means that I'm being more social and actually having real people to talk to, not just my imaginary throngs that drool over every word that I type.
I wonder how many blog stalkers I have......?? You know who I'm talking about. The ones that haven't talked to me in forever but happened to see my link on facebook and read it just because they're bored and it's something to do online. Not that I've ever been that person... I mean... well okay let's just be honest, I have been that person and it's okay.
Randomly, I would like to make a note about college and the life after. When you're in college you're in complete denial about the real world and you pretty much hang on for dear life for as long as possible afterward hoping that the real world is just a myth. But now I can feel the college memories becoming just that, fabulous memories that are a wonderful era in my life. I'm happy with the friendships that I've kept so far and it's not that scary to start a new chapter in life. I'm not even that concerned that I don't have a new best friend to do everything with here because I'm sorta enjoying meeting new people from week to week.
I have to say that the irony abounds in that as my dear friend Megan is becoming more and more emotional (not in a bad way) when it comes to relationships, I'm becoming more detached (also not in a bad way). By detached I simply mean a whole lot less clingy. And those of you that know me really well know that I'm quite the clinger (or at least I used to be). I wasn't capable of liking a guy without getting attached and now I just don't feel that. It's strange, but very freeing. Hm I'm really not sure what else to say on this subject even though I feel like I've barely scratched the surface of this internal change. Whatever is happening, it's still unfolding and becoming a new part of who I am.
Okay well apparently once I start typing, I just can't stop. So much for my blog slump. Yay updates!
All I have left to say on this subject is that I really am sick of flings and want a real relationship. Is that too much to ask for??
Well, as I told Megan I had already decided to break it off w/ fling boy. But now that he hasn't called me, I don't have the satisfaction of being the one to make the decision. Now it makes me like him even less. Grrrrr
I have no time to do laundry, practice, or go grocery shopping. I am eating out every night because I have no groceries and no time and am gaining weight like crazy. And I'm exhausted and so have no energy to do said activities even if I have a few free hours.
I feel like screaming, but I think I'm just going to take a shower and go to bed instead.
So it's been over a week since I've posted and accordingly there are lots of things going on in my life. I'm seeing a boy, but it's nothing serious and I really have no idea where it's going. That's the end of that story....
Yesterday I just got back from 3 days in Santa Monica with my aunt, uncle and cousin and it was such a great break. I just hung out with them and ran around with them doing their daily errands, but it was fun for me. We spent a good hour at the Santa Monica outdoor market where my aunt gets all her groceries and you stop at one stall for your fish and one for your peaches, and one for your herbs, etc. It was like being in Europe again!
We also took a trip to the Disney concert hall that was just built a couple years ago for the LA Philharmonic and it's AMAZING. The outside is curved metal that looks like billowing sails and yet it surprisingly fits into the feel of downtown L.A. I take back anything bad that I said about Los Angeles - I really really like it and would love to be a part of the Philharmonic one day - if only just to be able to play in that concert hall. Oh man there are just so many nooks and crannies in that beautiful building including an outdoor, roof-top garden that are just breathtaking.
I haven't practiced in days and my right ring finger hurts a lot - I hope that it can get worked out soon. Speaking of work, I got off the train yesterday and went to work, for 6 hours and have to go in this afternoon for a wedding and then have to go in on Sunday for 8 hours for a catering event that's off site. At least I'm making good money!!
Interesting how the longer it has been since you've posted the more you want to say, but the less it actually comes out. Oh well, this is a good enough update for now...
This is the first time that I've been able to sit down and relax in the past couple days and it feels wonderful. Being new at a job is stressful no matter what it is, but then when you throw in the fact that I'm supposed to be training and yet I'm taking sections all by myself in very busy moments, it becomes even more stressful.
On top of all of this, for some reason I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. I went to bed at 11:30 and didn't fall asleep until 5. Sucko. I guess I just had a lot on my mind.
However, there are some very good things that have happened over the past few days:
- I got to meet one of the most famous flutists of our times, Jeanne Baxtresser, and she was genuinely interested in knowing who I was.
- I went to the Santa Barbara Art Museum and spent an hour and a half exploring their exhibit on new Chinese photographs and video art. It was sooooo cool!!
- I discovered that SB has a coffee shop called the Daily Grind that is amazing and much larger than its counterpart in Chapel Hill. And a cute guy works there. And the coffee is cheap....
- I was supposed to have a surfing lesson today, but it has been postponed b/c there is pollution in the water. (The lesson, not the pollution is the good part of that sentence)
I'm exhausted and this weekend in this huge Spanish festival called Fiesta (creative, I know) that will sap the remaining energy from me, so I go to take a nap.
My mom just informed me last night that they're not moving to San Fransisco. I'm such an emotional wreck that I was actually upset. I had just gotten used to the idea that we were all uprooting ourselves and getting a fresh start and I was really looking forward to exploring a new city. I guess just the fact that I've been having a blast in California and it's only been a month means that I really love it here and I wanted my parents to have a similar experience.
So now I have to deal with the fact that I won't get to visit them as much as I was planning, that I will have to fly out to the east coast several times, and that I will have to decide between seeing my family during Thanksgiving or Christmas. I'm sure there are good things about this as well, number one being that I still get to see some dear friends currently residing in North Carolina. Secondly, I don't have to say goodbye to the place that I've grown up in and that feels so comfortable.
I just really thought it was time to move on and it felt right, but I'm not the one that really has to live there, so I just have to be supportive to my parents in whatever decision they think is right...
I thought my job was going to be the most amazing one in the world when I saw his name on the table for the Summerdance Dinner and Party that was being held last night. Then I learned that the tables were just named after dancers and dance groups... It wasn't a completely empty hope; he had been to the Festival earlier this summer, but he wasn't at the dinner last night. If you don't know him as the best male dancer in the world, you would know him as Carrie's French or Russian boyfriend in Sex and the City in the last season. But he hates it when people refer to that (understandably so).
Aside from that disappointment, last night was a lot of fun because our restaurant turned into a catering party and I had to walk around with glasses of wine and mingled with Santa Barbara's elite society. It was an easy job - just keep the drinks coming - and everyone paid handsomely to have a fun evening. The party lasted from 8-12:30 complete with dance party at the end that the waiters all danced to as we were cleaning up. Sorry if this is boring, but it's my life right now and it was fun.
Since I was there from 4 to the end, I and some others had to take a half hour break and so the other new guy, David, and I went to a bar that was right next door. Hahaha. Yes, we drank on our half hour off and came back and finished cleaning up. Have I mentioned that I like working for a non-corporate restaurant??
Needless to say, since I got in at 1:30 after a very long shift at work, I didn't go to church this morning. But I can't see how someone can not go to church every week - I feel like my day isn't really complete. No matter how much you get out of it for that one hour, it's the satisfaction that you at least kept the Sabbath which somehow despite the old Bible language, really is important even today. I'm hoping that once I move downtown I can start exploring some of the churches, but I have to say that going to the Christian Science church for the past month has been such a blessing - I got a car, some lovely people to show me around Santa Barbara, and a lot of welcoming arms.
Today was a day off of multiple things. I didn't have to work, which meant I could sleep in without any worry of being able to get stuff done before I have to take the bus. I also dropped my flute off yesterday to get its yearly cleaning and checkup and so I have the day off from practicing!
It's nice to not have a teacher around, but I get to a certain point after about 2 weeks when I need the motivation (either in good or bad comments) to keep me going. So I'm not sure how this whole not seeing her for a month thing is going to go. Especially since I'm supposed to have a very important lesson in LA in a month without any guidance from here on out.
Things are still going well - I've been thrown in viciously to the restaurant work since we got slammed last night and it was only me and the girl I'm supposed to be shadowing. So I basically did half of the work and got none of the tips. Ah, training. I also have a car starting in September, but it's really the month of August that I need it to commute to and from work - well, I'm not complaining.
I'm waiting for the right person *ahem* to take to my restaurant on a night off because I'm dying to have dinner there and I get 50% off.
With a car, going out with my roommates, and working downtown, I feel like I'm really starting to get to know the little nooks and crannies of this place and all the cool places to be. My roommate Amanda and I are planning on heading downtown for happy hour today and I'm really excited. There are some really nice places that have incredibly cheap happy hours and fun specials. Plus, it's a bonding opportunity complete with shopping and drinks. Who could ask for a better Friday afternoon?
remember that comment about spending too much money??
well, I just bought a wetsuit.
Yay for surfing lessons!
I was talking to one of my friends last night and she told me that my life is like a friggin' fairy tale. While I agree things have been coming together pretty nicely, I really didn't believe her until this morning. It sometimes takes someone else's perspective to make you really appreciate what you have.
I called this lady from church this morning who had mentioned that she had an old car that she and her husband were thinking of lending to someone for the 6 months that they'll be gone. I told her that I had somewhere I really wanted to go today and whether I could borrow the car just for the day. She said of course!
Well, I got there and the car is a Chevy Blazer (an SUV) that is 15 years old but in really good condition. Then she said that they were thinking of letting me use it while they were gone! There's nothing definite yet, but oh my gosh it would make my life soooo much easier! Plus I could take trips to LA, San Fransisco, SLO, and random road trips. Not to mention the fact that I wouldn't have to ride the bus any more and could operate on my own schedule.
The funny thing is that with all this freedom, my mind is going a million miles a minute trying to figure out where to go today with these miraculous wheels when I really just need to go ride my bike to campus and practice for a couple hours. Which I will probably end up doing because I haven't taken a single day off in a month and I'm pretty darn proud of that.
Lately I've been spending way too much money. It's like once the card comes out, it doesn't know how to stay in my wallet. Really it just means that I was so on top of my game the first couple weeks here that I got excited about all the money that I was saving. So I started spending it. Then I decided I would treat myself a couple times that ended up being a whole lot more than a couple. Now I'm contemplating buying a wetsuit after I have officially put myself in the whole for at least a shift and a half at the restaurant (that I haven't officially started working at yet).
Why can't I get addicted to running again? I think it's just not as fun when you don't have a goal and you don't have the added incentive of a race and someone to run it with. Maybe I'll have to find a new one (race not running partner because who could replace the fabulous Christa?)
tying a tie. I have to wear all black and a tie for work. I'm actually sorta excited. Now I can finally tie one!
Okay, so you can't really see it in the picture, but you can see my new makeup! So that's exciting too.
Man, I'm glad I got this job when I did because the girls in my program are leaving, my teacher is leaving for a month, and the grad student flutist is also leaving for a month. That leaves my roommates to hang out with and they've been gone both nights, so I've been hanging out in my apartment watching TV and playing dress up (see exhibit A).
There are two reasons why today was amazing:
1. I got a job!!!!
I'm working at a restaurant called Nu (literally translated in French it means Naked) and it's basically amazing. Here's the link if you want to go look at their website - it's worth it, I promise.
www.restaurantnu.com
So to make what I want to, I only need to work 3 or 4 shifts a week and the manager was cool with the fact that I want to work mostly nights and want specific days off. They only hired 2 other new people and I was one of them!! The uniform is hot (as in really warm), but it looks professional and I even have to wear a tie. I start training next week and have a steady job for the rest of the year but it appears like its not going to wear me out too much. I couldn't have asked for a better place to work at.
2. My teacher here said she would take me as a grad student next year.
Now given, staying at UCSB would be my backup position, but I have a definite place that I can go to grad school and an awesome teacher to work with. After only 3 weeks, she told me that she would accept me in a heartbeat.
Things are really looking up. The only things that bothers me right now is transportation and I need to find a place to stay by September, but it shouldn't be that hard since new things go up on Craig's List every day. *big sigh of relief* Now I feel like I totally deserve all that makeup I bought yesterday. hehe.
I just spent an outrageous amount of money on new makeup. One of the girls here is a Mary Kay specialist and she did makeovers for three of us girls. I figured that I have an important interview tomorrow and I was running out of my regular stuff anyway. I just spent a little more than I should have... oops.
I think it's worth it though. The way I rationalize it is, if I get the job tomorrow I should pay for everything in half a day's work. Ouch.
Today was very fun though because I made salsa from scratch, spent 2 hours getting a makeover, toasted mashmallows over dying coals in a grill, bonded with some awesome girls, and played Boggle. Oh and I got to play with a kitty.
Have you ever dreamt that one of your friends died? Okay I know it sounds morbid and I promise I'm not thinking of killing people off, but I had a really disturbing dream that my friend Ross died.
It was one of those times where you wake up really shaken and you can't really get rid of the feeling for the rest of the day. I guess it was sort of a nightmare where I was crying nonstop and had to go through the funeral and everything.
Mm, really upbeat I know. But it's been on my mind since I got up this morning.
The strange thing is that in my dream we were apparently a lot closer than we actually are and so I was a whole lot more upset than I probably would be. Which sounds a little bad, but you know what I mean.
On another note, I have decided to be a waitress in Santa Barbara. I'm going searching for jobs today and I should be able to find something that will very comfortably give me enough to live on and save up for graduate school auditions. I'm starting to learn that although the living is quite high here, the jobs also pay well if you know where to look. I'm going to live downtown and work downtown and then commute to campus once a week for lessons and studio and such.
I want to cut my hair so badly!!! But I have to wait until Colleen's wedding in September because everyone is getting an updo and it'll be nice to have long hair that will actually stay up. After that though, it's all coming off. I miss only having to dry my hair for 5 minutes. Christa's new haircut looks really cute and I'm hoping to get a new look come mid-September.
Today's objectives: Find a waitressing job (possibly at Cafe Buenos Aires where they have really good mojitos and a live band on the weekends and entrees start at $25), buy a lacrosse ball for massaging, and get a wetsuit so hot German boy can teach me to surf...
*and now for a little girl talk/evaluation*
for those of us without boyfriends, we like to hash and rehash how we interact with boys. And by we i mean me. So I saw Martin (aka hot German surfer) yesterday on my run. So I tried to play it cool and called out his name and waved, but then just ran by without stopping to say anything. Good move? Bad move? Do I seem disinterested now? Or am I playing hard to get?
The thing is that its really not that big a deal and knowing how some boys minds work, he probably thought nothing of it except, oh there's Amy or Bonfire Girl or however I'm known to him.
Okay, I'm done rehashing. Time to see how many things I can get checked off my list! Oh and check the mail in the next couple days ;)
Oh man. I went for a 4 1/2 slash 5 mile run yesterday and it was awesome. I don't actually know how long it was, but I ran w/ one of my roommates and we were gone for 45 minutes. It proved to myself that I really am still in shape because I wasn't too worn out afterwards and I never wanted to stop.
In other news, I had an incredible lesson today. The best part of this program is that everything just clicks really quickly, so I'm actually not practicing a whole lot, but the hours that I spend are incredibly productive. It's completely not set up the way I thought it would be, but I'm making as much progress as I was hoping so I guess that's all that matters.
Hm, nothing else really exciting is going on. I think I've decided to waitress somewhere because the hours are flexible and I can have the whole day to practice and just work at night. Plus, there are so many chic places here where you can easily spend $50 a person on dinner. Now lets hope that those restaurants are hiring :)
Here are some long overdue pictures of the beautiful place in which I live.
This is where I go running most mornings and it overlooks the beach the entire way.
Hm, I'm not sure how this post will actually look, but I'm new at the pictures thing. Anyway, I need to get out with my camera more often because the entire city of Santa Barbara is one big photo opportunity. More later.
Well, I have internet now, which is super exciting. I think it sorta comes and goes until I can get an ethernet cable, but something is better than nothing. Now I really don't have to leave my apartment except to practice! Oh, and grocery shop. And maybe go to the beach.
Speaking of which, I may have found my surfer dude to teach me to surf. This guy Martin is a chemistry grad student (originally from Germany) and surfs and is super cute and has agreed to teach me. Now I just have to buy a wet suit and commit. Woohoo!
I met a bunch of new people last night at a bonfire that a flute grad student threw and it was a lot of fun. We made kabobs with amazing fresh California produce (I don't think I'll ever get over how great the food is here) and s'mores of course with a heavy dose of good beer to go along. I'm not sure you can drink anything else when you're on the beach - it just doesn't seem right. Everyone brought guitars and sang and just messed around and it was perfect. I even made my solo debut as a congo drummer!!
Now I'm in my apartment and I'm seriously considering giving myself the day off since I've been running around like crazy all week. I think it's a good catchup day with a good amount of reading and movie watching inbetween. I deserve it, right??
Man I had a blast yesterday.
I went downtown with some of the girls in my program and we spent the whole afternoon/evening walking around and enjoying this beautiful city. I learned the bus route and figured out that students can ride it for free and it takes about 20 min to get to the center of Santa Barbara, which isn't too bad. I also picked up a newspaper and found out that there's a French conversation group every Wednesday at a restaurant somewhere downtown! I'm totally going next week.
We went to this landmark called the courthouse that follows the building "dresscode" of white stucco and red tile roofs but it was soooo beautiful. There was a garden in the center of the courtyard and you could go up four stories and overlook the whole city. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and you could see 360 degrees. It was breathtaking.
Then to top it all, we went to go see Pirates in a movie theater called the Arlington. The cool thing about the theater is that it only shows one movie and it's in a hall like Memorial or Bloomenthal. In fact, the Santa Barbara Symphony plays there and it can hold thousands of people in the audience. It was so cool to go to a movie and have hundreds of people all there watching it too and to be in an amazing concert hall.
The possibilities of transporation are opening up and I'm getting to know the city better and I feel much more able to go out on my own and explore. I'm learning that people don't really go to the beach here except on the weekends. It just happens to be conveniently close when you do want to go.
Oh, and I'm getting together with a guy today for coffee. He's the son of a lady I met at church, but don't get too excited. He's in his 30's and no he will not be another Marc. But it'll be good to have someone to talk to that's seen the world, has grown up in Christian Science, and is feeling like a newcomer to this town. He's an ex-Marine and has lived in Russia and China I believe, so conversation should be interesting.
That's all for now. How come no one's posting on the other blog? It makes me sad...
The joys of having your own apartment are neverending. I thought that I would like having my own place, but nothing prepared me for the excitement of cooking in my own kitchen and going shopping for groceries on a lovely small budget. There's just something so thrilling in buying produce and knowing that it will turn into a delicious, filling, and somewhat-gourmet meal sometime down the road.
It also is a sort of game to me to see how much I can get at this cool organic store called Trader Joe's (we NEED them in NC - they're pretty much amazing) for much less than I would, say, at Harris Teeter. I'm addicted, what can I say. My new favorite cereal is called Puffins and it's this cinnamon goodness in a tiny corn square that is full of fiber and other good stuff for you and you only need a tiny bowl but the box only costs $3.50 and it gets you through a week and a half. That's what I call a bargain. Katherine, I don't know if you read this, but you should be excited that I eat from a box that has a large puffin on the front of it.
I'm also addicted to trail mix called Sweet, Salty and Tart and it has peanuts, chocolate chips, dried cranberries, yellow raisins, white chocolate chips, almonds, peanut butter chips, and peanuts with a sweet coating. Ohmygoodness its delicious. Needless to say, I have gained some of my weight back and need to go running like nobody's business.
The biggest thing on my mind right now is the fact that I do not have a job or any prospective of one in the near future. So that's my project for the next few weeks or until I get one. There are so many qualifications and so many more qualifications for where I get an apartment starting in September and the fact that I don't have a car complicates things so much. Ah, cruel irony when I thought that selling Peach, my Toyota, was a good idea.
Interestingly enough, my aunt (the one I thought wasn't too religious) was talking to me yesterday and told me to pray about the situation and that she has noticed that things always work out for the best for me. It's all true and my conversation with her made me that much happier that I have family close by that awaits my beck and call.
Or is it beckon call? I never have figured that out...
Yay! It looks like the sun is coming out. It's been sorta foggy for the past three days.
I just had an insane past four days. But now the program is all over and it feels a little sad. I'm not sure that I'm going to have as much motivation and amazing people surrounding me for the next few weeks, but I'll deal. It'll be nice not having to listen to flute music for 7 hours every day, as much as I love my instrument.
Also since most of the women were either married or engaged I was having serious ring envy. So that's another reason I'm glad its ending. haha.
Now I have free time and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. I think since it's actually *gasp* a little cold outside I'm going to go curl up and read a book. I'm also going to treat myself to Indian food for lunch since I played well in my huge audition.
We had a mock audition and I didn't advance, but it was the first time I'd ever done a real orchestra audition, so I was quite proud of myself. This giving myself treats thing shouldn't last too long though b/c I'm going grocery shopping and right now I could totally buy out the ice cream or chocolatey trail mix sections.
Yesterday was an up. Today was a down. That's how life goes sometimes. But it's only 2:00 - things could change.
I tried to be outgoing and just glom onto some girls/women from the flute program here. Perhaps I shouldn't have "glommed" too much because I think I was a little intense. It's really just because I'm so far behind these people in terms of where they are in their life, which is fine because they're all about 5 years older than me at least. So I'm okay with the fact that I don't fit in - I'm not okay with the fact that I don't have someone to really talk to here yet.
Yesterday I got to talk to Amy Stelling who is this amazing freshman that I met this year. She is the expression of joy and it was so good getting caught up with her. I think I told her a lot of stuff that I haven't told anyone about my time here in California which is just funny since I would never call her my best friend even though she's amazing. Then I got a phone call from Jonathan which also made me happy since he's another one of those people (ahem) that never call, you always have to call them. Let that be a lesson to you.
I'm super worn out from this weekend already. I listened to 8 hours of flute music yesterday and I'm set to do it again today. It doesn't leave a whole lot of free time and I have to decide whether eating or practicing is more important. Usually food wins out - what can I say.
Even though I was exhausted, I went with my roommates to one of their friends houses right on the beach (Del Playa is THE party street). It was fun and I got to flirt like mad. I even gave a boy my number *gasp*. Okay so it was a lot of fun.
Today my old insecurity has come back and I don't really know where it comes from. I think the only explanation is that all these flutists in the program get such affirmation because they actually get to perform in the masterclass but I just have to sit back and listen. Normally this would be fine since I don't have to get nervous and put myself out there but I tend to need a lot of ego-boosting recently. I guess just because I need confidence in something.
Well, I'm taking it day by day. For now it's off to practice and then many more hours of flute masterclasses.
For all you cat lovers, you've seen the cat that races from room to room and then stops suddenly as if they can't remember exactly what their hurry was. I feel like that today because I raced to the library and was full of purpose for all of the things that I wanted to do on the internet and now I have no idea what I wanted to do.
I feel like there's hope after all for meeting people "my age" aka grad students that are mature here because I went to the beach last night w/ some of my roommates and their friends to watch the 4th of July fireworks and I met some really cool girls that shared a lot of the same interests as me like hiking, sushi, and running. And one of the girls told me that there are lots of people that are grad students living in somewhat quiet places that are looking for the same thing that I am.
Have I mentioned yet that UCSB is a party school? You told me, Christa, but I didn't listen. It's like freshman year all over again only worse because I'm living in a mixture of a hall crawl, a block party, and frat court. That's what Isla Vista is - 10 blocks of college students in dingy apartments that love to party. Woop dee freakin doo.
Since I'm all about symbolism and I used to love to collect key chains, I went and bought one today that is in the shape of a palm tree and has UCSB written on it. The kicker is that the trunk of the palm tree is a bottle opener. Hahahaha.
My #1 goal for the week is to get to the beach. I've been running on the bluffs, but I haven't actually gone and laid out. Can you believe it? I'm in California and I haven't been to the beach yet. This is getting fixed pronto.
I plan on taking my camera with me tomorrow morning to the place that I run every morning because it is SO beautiful. Words can't describe it so hopefully I can get some pictures posted soon.
Bottom line? I'm feeling more comfortable here, getting to know the place, getting a routine and gosh darn it, I'm improving my little butt off on the flute. I've only been playing 3 days and I can tell a difference. I love summer programs.
Well, I'm in California. I have so many mixed feelings but really I'm just getting settled in. I haven't quite started my program yet (we meet today at 4) so I haven't gotten a routine going. It's been great having my uncle, aunt and cousin here so that they can drive me around and take me to nice restaurants and generally just be here to distract me. Below is a list of pros and cons of taking this big step:
Pros:
1. California weather is amazing and it's been in the 80s with no humidity for the past four days.
2. I live 3 blocks from the beach and can go for runs up and down the coast any time I want.
3. I have a huge shower.
4. My teacher is super sweet and is like a second mother.
5. I will have my own practice room with a key so I can leave stuff in there.
6. I don't have to buy a bike - I get to borrow one from the girl that I'm subleasing from.
7. From going to church and meeting my uncle's client, I have 4 new "families" that are willing to do anything for me.
8. I have an avocado tree right next to my balcony.
9. Santa Barbara really is beautiful and nothing like the downtown of Charlotte - no building is over 3 stories high and they're all white stucco with red tile roofs.
10. There are so many cheap and wonderful restaurants nearby.
11. I have a huge kitchen.
Cons
1. I miss everything that's comfortable: family, Charlotte, my home, friends.
2. My roommate's boyfriend sleeps over in our room.
3. The area that my apartment is in is a party area. But then so is the entire college of UCSB apparently.
4. I don't have a car and Santa Barbara is very spread out.
5. I don't know my way around yet (something very fixable).
Well the pros far outweigh the cons, but it just takes me a while to feel comfortable in a new place, no matter how awesome it is. There's a lot to be grateful for and I know I was brought here for a reason, but I'm definitely outside of my comfort zone. Well, it's France all over but this time I can speak the language! Definite plus.
I feel like there are a million more things I could say, but I have to go make some phone calls, hang out with the fam, change, go to an interview, and go to my first flute meeting. The best thing about these days is that they are packed and I don't really have a whole lot of down time.
Letters and phone calls and emails are much appreciated :)