Ego?

I'm reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and this passage really got me thinking about my perspective on my career as well as some other musicians that put everything else after music:

"[At the YMCA camp] they made a big ego thing out of the whole outdoor experience... It made the kids at camp much more enthusiastic and cooperative when they had ego goals to fulfill, I'm sure, but ultimately that kind of motivation is destructive. Any effort that has self-glorification as its final endpoint is bound to end in disaster"... "To the untrained eye ego-climbing and selfless climbing my appear identical. Both kinds of climbers place one foot in front of the other. Both breathe in and out at the same rate. Both stop when tired. Both go forward when rested. But what a difference! The ego-climber is like an instrument that's out of adjustment. He puts his foot down an instant too soon or too late. He's likely to miss a beautiful passage of sunlight through the trees. He goes on when the sloppiness of his step shows he's tired. He rest at odd times... He goes too fast or too slow for the conditions and when he talks his talk is forever about somewhere else, something else. He's here but he's not here. He rejects the here, is unhappy with it, wants to be farther up the trail but when he gets there will be just as unhappy because the it will be 'here.' What he's looking for, what he wants, is all around him, but he doesn't want that because it is all around him. Every step's an effort, both physically and spiritually, because he imagines his goal to be external and distant."

Sorry for the lengthy quote, but it just really hit me that I feel this way sometimes, that I'm never happy with where I am because I'm always looking in the future.

When is making goals okay and when is it more important to live in the present? I made a goal to get into conservatory, and now that I'm here I'm constantly comparing myself with my peers and feeling like I don't deserve to be here sometimes or that I'm way behind everyone else. Why can't I just be content with myself and the talent that I do have?

I'm not in a relationship and most of the time I want one, but when I do have a boyfriend/husband, will I want more? Will I always be wishing I could change this or that about the other person or second guessing myself?

Finally, and probably the most important question to be asking myself at this moment is, Why have I chosen music? Is it an ego-fulfillment thing, or do I really just want to do the most with the talent I've been given? Am I grateful for where it has gotten me so far?



As an aside, I really love the "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles that Tiff has on her blog. click here for the song. It's incredibly addictive and a good "female power" song.