Well, not all of life's problems are solved. But, I've started reading a book called Eat, Love, Pray by Elisabeth Gibson and it's really really good. In fact, I want her life. Or something close to it. Without all of the divorce and love affairs. Okay, so really I just want to travel like she does in the book.
I just went and spent a load of money on clothes at Ann Taylor because I have a discount there and somehow that makes it okay to buy more than I normally would... which is just lousy reasoning, but there you have it. Plus, I had a birthday party to go to tonight. That's two good reasons. bah- whatever.
It is getting warmer here in California and soon I will have to make big adult decisions like do I want to buy or lease a car and which insurance company do I want to go with. I also just got a credit card (with Ann Taylor) and it's been hard to keep myself from just swiping that little piece of plastic. Fortunately, I think I've been trained well enough to only spend what I have or what I know I will have when the bill comes.
I really need to go practice.
Today the gloominess of the weather is reflecting how I feel about this month and how dazed I feel.
Two random events have taken the lives of two other people that I am somehow connected to.
The first, Chiara Levin, was a girl that I studied abroad in France with just two years ago. She was stunningly beautiful and had it all going for her. She was trilingual and could be friends with anybody. I wasn't close to her, but there were many in my group that were. She was in Boston visiting family and friends and was caught in the cross-fire of gang-related violence. She was in the most dangerous part of town and with two guy friends as well as two that she had just met that night. Stupid, to put yourself in that situation? Sure. But do we all do it at one time or another? Of course. We never think that the outcome will be sudden death.
The second is Jason Ray, the guy that sported the costume of Ramses for UNC basketball games. I didn't know him, but I saw him around campus and in Intervarsity, and again know people that knew him quite well. Hit off the side of the highway. Freak accident. And who knows when it can happen again?
Both of these young people's families are devastated and will have their lives altered forever. And they were both my age. Sorta puts a whole new perspective on life and the people that I care about. I'm protected now from feeling the misery that their friends must feel, but for how long? And is it useful to even wonder about things like this, or do I praise God that I am living and dwell on that fact instead?
All of this, plus still dealing with Ross being gone has put me in a very introspective, gloomy mood. And that no one picks up the phone any more so I don't have anyone to talk to about it.
... is pretty much all I'm feeling this week.
Issues with my car haven't been resolved, but I found one really nice place that is willing to do some stuff without much money involved.
I've heard from both USC and San Fran. and have been placed on both of their wait lists. I shouldn't despair, because a wait list is infinitely better than an outright rejection, but geez couldn't I get an acceptance letter for once in my life???!? Seriously. I honestly don't think that's too much to ask, but apparently it is.
USC I don't really think will pan out and SF I'll just have to wait and see. I'm #1 on San Fran's list and anything could happen, in addition to nothing. Sooooo basically, there isn't any end to the waiting until July, theoretically.
I have to keep reminding myself that I have an excellent option here, I could get paid to go to school, and that there are worse places to live than Santa Barbara. But that doesn't help the initial pang of hurt I feel when I feel like I've been rejected for the second time, only this time I'm so close that everyone thinks I almost could have gotten in. Almost is so much worse than straight out rejection, and yet so completely helpful in reaffirming the fact that I do belong in the world of music despite how much I've had to struggle. I swing intermittenly between deep feelings of shattered pride and intense hope that all is not lost and that I still have a lot to offer.
Well, I haven't heard from my last school, but I honestly didn't think it went well, so I'm not expecting much. Oh Eastman, why must you always be my last hope??
Despite the fact that I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning (let me say, that is the earliest I've had to get up in a looooong time), I can't sleep. Wow, I just realized the song I'm listening to is "Sleeping In" by the Postal Service.
Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in...
How depressingly ironic.
I think I just have a lot on my mind, so I thought I would use this as a dumping spot. Blogs seem to be much less of a focus among me and my friends recently, so this is merely a way for me to vent, I suppose.
Random thoughts in no particular order:
- I just got word from my top choice school, San Francisco Conservatory that I'm 1st on the waiting list. To be 4th out of 50-some people is an achievement and I'm super happy that it's not an outright rejection. However, I'm so close that it's almost worse. Now I have to be in more suspense because you never know who's going to accept the spot and who's not. But, I'm next should one of the three decide not to go there! I'm pulled in all directions patience, impatience, contentment, and disappointment. But honestly, everything's so up in the air that the bad feelings don't last long and it's usually the patience and contentment that win out.
- I have to work from 8 to 12 tomorrow in the morning. Then I have the whole day free. It's gonna be really weird. Oh, and this whole two job thing is getting old quickly.
- I'm super stressed about giving my car back in two weeks and getting estimates to get the dent I made in it fixed. Anything in Cali is expensive, and cars even more so, and that's what worries me. I'm getting a full check-up done on it tomorrow, so at least I have one good point going for me before they get back. Plus, I'm of course going to get a car wash and clean it all out. Still, the dent and the fact that I have no idea what I'm going to do once I give it back on April 1 are gnawing at me. Living here almost requires the use of a car, despite all of the walking that I've been doing recently.
- I just finished A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and loved it. Now I'm steadily working on Mansfield Park and am slightly depressed at how similar Fanny and I seem to be in several respects. Although I'm nowhere near as self-conscious or shy as she. But I'm definitely involved in the story after days of reading one or two chapters and managed to read about 150 pages in one sitting and tore myself away only because I thought I was tired. Now I'm holding off because I want something to do when I'm waiting for my car tomorrow.
- I've become that 'guy' that watches the television in our bar at work every five minutes to check up on the basketball game. In fact, I was worse than most of the guys that I work with. With this whole having a bracket thing, I've become helplessly competitive against both myself and the world of Facebook. I'm actually doing pretty well, if I do say so myself. I haven't lost hope that my boys will make it to the championship, but I am completely bummed that I'm working the night that they play USC and since the west coast is behind, it's prime dinner time when they start playing. boooooo.
So I have been wrestling with the decision of what to do next year if I don't get into any grad schools and finally felt like I made the right one.
I had made the choice yesterday and told my teacher today that I want to stay in Santa Barbara and go to UCSB if I get all rejections. Well, that's when she told me that I would get a full ride plus a stipend. Hello?!!??!! This is a win-win situation.
Stipend= getting paid to go to school. How ridiculously awesome is that?
I felt so great before I even told her and I felt a million times better than that after our talk. Santa Barbara and I have made peace with each other. As much as it's a small town, I can deal with that because of all the other great opportunities I would have. So basically, I'm excited about the next two years no matter what. What a relief.
Too bad I have my car to worry about now. I banged it up in November and now the owners are coming back April 1st and are freaked out about the damage. So I have to go hunt up some body shops and get some estimates on getting it fixed. Being in California basically means automatically upping the price because of the cost of living. So an oil change turns into a full check-up, etc. I'm not too happy about it, but it is my fault that I backed into a security gate. Don't laugh, it's actually a very reasonable story. And I was helping my roommates move something heavy! Good intentions, right?!?
I got a second job to start saving money, but for some reason that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon.
As an aside, my competitiveness is getting a full workout. This whole basketball bracket thing is consuming me. And I was about to pick Duke as losing, too!! Gr, I had to have some faith in them to get past the first round, but noooo. I think I couldn't care less about all the other teams besides UNC if I didn't have a bracket set up.
Today actually felt like Saturday. In the life of a waitress and musician, the days usually all blur together and any day off is the weekend. Today I had the day off of both jobs and had so much fun getting everything done that I needed to.
I got my hair dyed and cut yesterday and ended up paying wayyyy more than I expected, but it looks cute and my teacher gave me a couple free lessons, so I think it all evens out. I just won't be going back any time soon - I hope with this color I won't have to worry about roots. I've been trying to think of a way to describe it and the best I can come up with is that it's the color of cherry wood. If you've ever seen wood from the cherry tree, it's like a dark brown with red hints. That's what my hair looks like.
My gift certificate to Borders was harder to spend than I thought because - wouldn't you know it - this time when I went in, nothing jumped out at me right away. That's the funny thing about having money to spend. When you don't have it, you think of all the ways you could spend it, but when you do, you have trouble remembering everything that you wanted. Anyway, I very wisely settled on Mansfield Park and The Virgin Blue by Tracy Chevalier that a friend recommended. I'm back into my book juggling and I'm excited about it. Right now I have those two plus A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and Atlas Shrugged. I might need to finish one soon because that's a lot even for me.
The past two days have been much better for me, emotionally. The only thing that's hard right now is that I have to tell my teacher Jill whether I want to study at UCSB should I not get in anywhere else. It's actually a huge dilemma for me and it comes down to whether I want to go to a second-rate school just because I really really want this career in music or whether I take ultimate rejection (hypothetically) as a sign that there's more in life that I should be doing. Really tough decision and scary since if I chose the second, I would have no idea what to do with my life. I know, I know, welcome to the real world of post-college graduates.
Listening to James Taylor is probably the only comforting thing right now. I'm really feeling the distance between me and anyone that I really care about. Today was a day that I just needed to hang out with someone one-on-one and do nothing. Probably not even talk, and if that was necessary, it would need to be nonsense stuff.
I went to work, yoga, and then out to dinner with my friend Hilary and some of her friends. I have nothing in common with them and felt more alone as a result. Then I got home and my roommates are either gone or in foul moods. I could have just used some chill out time.
For some reason, I'm pushing my parents away, probably because I think I'm a big girl and can handle tough stuff, but all I really want to do is be home or have a close friend nearby.
I found out from UT-Austin today and didn't get in. It was the nicest rejection that I've ever gotten and the teacher wrote me a personal note and she sounded genuinely sorry that she didn't accept me, but it doesn't change the fact.
I need to snap out of this because I think I'm letting myself get sucked into some sort of 'people should feel sorry for me' depression when I just need to be celebrating life. The grad school thing doesn't help though.
The bright part of the day was that I got a very late Christmas present (ahem, Megan) from my mom's friend - a gift certificate to Borders!!!! Tomorrow I'm going to spend hours browsing in there and Ann Taylor, to 'get to know my merchandise' aka go shopping.
Well this blog is my outlet of emotions, good or bad and tonight it definitely is tough for me.
Most of you know about my friend Ross from California that I came out to visit for a spring break during college. Well, his parents emailed me to tell me that he took his life recently.
I've never had news hit me so hard and have never cried so much for a person that I've only seen a total of about 8 days face-to-face.
This is rough for me for so many reasons. When I first met him, we had an amazing connection and we both discussed about a year later that had we not lived on opposite sides of the US, we probably would have dated. We had so much in common and never ran out of things to talk about. One of my favorite memories is walking around Boston with him until 2 or 3 in the morning, getting lost and not really caring because the company was so great. Ross was one of those people that I had a really good online relationship with - you know the people that you rarely talk to in real life, but who you keep in touch with through AIM and have meaningful conversations with despite (or because of) a lack of a phone. It's always been easier for me to express myself in writing and I love the ability to change my mind about saying something once it's already been typed out. But I digress.
When I came out to Santa Barbara, I was psyched that I would be so near where he was going to school and was eager to find out if we had the same connection. When I visited him, I found a changed person. Apparently, he was struggling with a lot of things in life. I felt so helpless, especially since he seemed so intent on pushing me away because I reminded him of a time that he now regarded as a time when he wasn't really himself. We parted and he made it pretty clear that he just needed to work things out on his own - so I wrote him a letter saying that I didn't want to just end our friendship there and that I would be there if he ever needed to talk.
We weren't that close, and there's no use blaming myself, but I can't shake the feeling that there's something else I could have done.
Every time I say it out loud, it just hits me fresh in the face.
Well, I know many people don't read this, but for anyone that is reading it, sorry for the heavy stuff. It helps so much to just write it, to make it more real and to get some of my feelings out there.
A few memories that I will never forget:
The beanie/tobogan that he crocheted for me
Making pizza and having really really sticky dough
Going to my first drive-in movie
Getting lost in Boston
R.I.P Ross Crabill
I am the newest employee at our local Ann Taylor LOFT.
When I was thinking about a second job, I realized that there was no way I hated myself enough to get a second waitressing position and couldn't think of anything that would be flexible enough to fit with my current restaurant job. And then, eureka! Why not work at a store that I'm already a walking bulletin board for and get paid to shop there for quite the discount?!
Honestly, nothing can be worse than Williams-Sonoma retail. There I had to know every tiny detail about every single product. I think I could do a much better job there now that I've been living on my own for a while... I'm really appreciative of nice pots and pans (or the lack thereof).
Plus, as I told my new manager (who happens to be one year older than I), I love to sort. I feel like working in a clothing store is just that - making sure stuff goes back where it started and putting stuff on racks that go together. It can't be that hard, can it?
I guess I'll find out.
wow. it's been way too long since I last posted. there's no way that I can cover everything that has occured in the past week. I'll see if I can use bullet points...
- saw the fam in San Francisco, had an amazing Indian celebration dinner, had a good audition, would be totally psyched to go there.
- saw Jennifer Smith in Rochester, met the boyfriend, I give approval.
- Eastman audition - eh. I won't be surprised if I get a rejection letter. Honestly, there's probably only one opening and the teacher didn't seem that thrilled by my playing.
- saw snow for the first time this winter! it even snowed when I was there, which was fun.
- plane trips were fairly uneventful until yesterday and then I had a huge baggage fiasco which I don't care to go into in detail. Let's just say that USAirways got quite a lengthy complaint email from me.
- drove up from LA this morning just in time to see UNC crush Duke for one of the last (or the last) games of the regular season. I've never actually joined a tournament pool before and am curious to see how I will do on Facebook.
- i have an interview tomorrow for my potential second job. I really don't see any reason why they wouldn't hire me.
- it's good to be home - I'm looking forward to having somewhat of a normal schedule this week.
- I'm starting yoga and a much healthier eating regiment, as well as adding more exercise in general. To prepare myself for the day not too long in the future when I will be without a car, I'm going to walk to as many places as possible, including work whenever I know that I'll be returning in the daylight.
- A pipe broke in our house the day I left a week ago. It's just getting fixed tomorrow and I will have no water the whole day. *sigh* I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those 'you don't know what you have til it's gone' moments.
- It's March! This time next month I will be making graduate school decisions (and/or life decisions) ............. I still think worst-case scenarios and won't believe I have somewhere to go next year until I hold the letter in my hand.
Note to self: A large cup of coffee on an empty stomach when not used to caffeine is deadly. I've been feeling awful most of the day.