I joined the local Y this afternoon. And they waived my joining fee... so I'm excited that I belong to a gym and that I get to work out tomorrow afternoon.

I'm also grateful that:
- I got off work early
- I have no desire to spend time with boys that don't deserve my time
- I get to go grocery shopping tomorrow
- I got an anonymous comment (oh the mystery!)
- my life really is going well despite recent crappy events
- I'm respected and liked at work
- I'm going to bed right now

and my breath smells and feels awful because I had 4 handfuls of honey mustard and onion pretzels right before leaving work. Good thing I'm not kissing anyone tonight ;)

This is not going to be a happy post.

I didn't get into the orchestra that I auditioned for last night - I just thought I would put that out there first so that I don't have to call you all and let you know about my latest rejection.

I'm currently in a very small wallowing stage which will be followed by a large "I need to get my life back together" stage. This was a really good wake up call on nerves, who and what I am playing for, and what my goal ultimately is. I was READY for this audition. I rocked my mock audition. Then what happened when I saw the 20 other people that were good? I balked. I thought 'I'm not good enough for this.' And then I screwed up my audition.

I didn't realize how much I had riding on this. And this is also why I shouldn't tell so many gosh darn people about my big auditions because now I have a lot of people to tell that I didn't get in. And I love that that's what I focus on - not all the lessons that I need to learn from this and what I can do better next time - no I still think about what others think of me even after I freak out at the audition over what others think of me.

The sucky part is that this has nothing to do with my playing. I'm a good flutist and I'm not ashamed to say it. I could have gotten into that orchestra. But mentally I screwed up. And that's not something you can prepare for every day because it's a completely foreign setting until you're in it and then you have 1 minute to prove yourself.

How fitting that my rejection from grad school is what turned me away from God for a while and now my incredibly similar rejection is pushing me to go back. I think it's the security and the knowledge that not everything rests on my shoulders. Sometimes I think that even if I didn't think that God existed I would still need faith of some kind so that I didn't feel like I was doing this all on my own.

TV addictions

Well, it's a sad sad week. I will be missing every single one of the TV shows that I normally watch. And since I have no DVR (I miss Katherine's amazing television) and no other way to record, I will not get to see the season premiere of Gilmore Girls, one of the final episodes of Project Runway, or the second episode of Grey's Anatomy. I know, life is tough.

Fortunately, I have the knowledge that in about a year I can go out and rent DVDs of the entire season of whatever it is and watch them without commercials or interruptions.

It's really not the end of the world, especially since I will be at work and earning the moolah.

I have a bone to pick with myself: I think and write about money way too much. Truth time? It's basically how I was raised because we've never been rolling in the dough and although there's always been cushion, it's never been comfortable. Plus my mom is an accountant and has taught me to be very careful about how and when I spend money. Add to this the fact that I am trying to be completely independent from my parents and you get me always thinking about how much something costs or what I'm going to be saving up for or what I would really love to buy but probably can't right now. And then I go out to dinner with one of my friends and it's all good.

I think I could not go shopping for months (in fact I haven't), but if I was never able to go out to dinner or get a smoothie once in a while, I would go crazy. I love spending money on food more than just about anything else. Okay, money talk over.

Well the housing search continues and I found a really great place last night, but I still haven't heard from them even though they said they would let me know today. It's just so frustrating to go meet people that you might be living with for the next 9 months and then find out that they picked someone else. It feels like a waste of time, but you never know when it's really the people that you will be living with. I guess it's sorta like meeting someone for the first time that ends up being your best friend. You have to meet all those people and form the first bits of a relationship even without knowing if you'll get to know each other so much better in the next few years.

Jonathan and I were talking about how we miss the friends we made at Carolina and how it seems like no one else where we've moved to is of the same caliber. But then I realized that that's how freshman year felt like. In fact, I didn't start meeting my very best friends until the end of freshman year. So it takes a while, and for me it's frustrating because I might not even be here next year. I might be in a completely different state and having to start the whole process all over again.

At the same time, I like that I'm meeting all these different people and am able to start fresh while being able to keep those old friendships going through phone calls and blogs ;) I just wish I could have both at the same time.

Blockbuster should have closed down when they saw me coming. It would have been better that way. Because now I just spent the past 4 or so hours watching Grey's Anatomy Season 2. I have an addiction and the only way I can get over it now is to watch more! It's Sex and the City all over again. Thank goodness there are only 2 seasons of GA, though.

Okay, I just want to say that the communication gods totally hate me. I get no calls for a good two weeks except for my parents or someone from work and then on one day I get bombarded by texts and calls, and usually all while I happen to be busy or on the phone with someone else. Why do I not get them all spread out so I can enjoy them? Don't get me wrong, I love feeling popular, so I'm really only semi-complaining. But seriously, this hasn't happened just once - it's like a cycle. Well, I love being busy and today was one of those days except for the past few hours when I was a lazy bum.

I need to stop writing posts late at night. I'm not profound and big words don't come to me. But perhaps they're more amusing, no?

and then i wrote a post about it
good job #2

i can't type

you know those phone calls that you really shouldn't make when youre druink?
i just made ohne of those. good job.

Hobby?

I need something with which to occupy my time when I'm not working. Errands, practicing, and exercise can only take up so much of my day. Suggestions? So far, my list of things I could pick up are:

surfing
reading (I need to find somewhere cool to go though, reading in your room is loser-ish when you're in California)
needlepoint
learning Spanish
getting a second job

So that's all I have. It needs to be accessible and preferably something to get me off my butt and out of the house, but not waste a lot of gas or require parking downtown. I'm so picky! Soon I'll be thinking about grad school and then I think the time will go quicker b/c there's so much to do for those applications. Maybe I'll just ask to work more.

However, the exciting news is that I have friends now! Yay for Amy making friends! So now I have people to do things with. Haha I promise I'm not a loser ...

I'm officially addicted to Grey's Anatomy, like almost every other person I know.

But all I could think during tonight's show is that I want to find that someone who will cry like their heart is breaking when (if) they find out I just didn't make it. I'm actually talking about Omar, not Izzy, but both apply I guess. It's times like those - even though they're unrealistically portrayed on tv - that let me know that I will have something special eventually and it's okay that I don't have it right now.

hm, i'm tired and I'm not sure that makes sense. good night!

No more vacations

I'm back from San Francisco and am now prepared to be 'holed up' in Santa Barbara until probably Christmas. But my trip was awesome!! I got to see my mom, I got to be spoiled rotten, and I got to see a really beautiful city.

As always with family, my mom and I bickered a lot of the time, but it was all in good fun. That's what happens when you travel with someone that you know really well, right? I've always thought that that will be the best test of whether I can marry someone - if we can survive a road trip somewhere far away and not kill each other by the end.

I did so much, it's hard to break it down. And my camera is officially broken, so the pics on my mom's won't get to me until about 2 weeks from now. I did all the touristy stuff: ride a cable car, drive down Lombard St., walk the Golden Gate Bridge, see the view of the city from different vistas, and go to Chinatown. All of those were really fun esp. hanging out on the cable car going down a really steep street.

I also was an immense dork and went to the Williams-Sonoma store in Union Square. Folks, this is the mecca for W-S employees. It's 4 stories tall and has everything you can possibly imagine. There are cash registers on each floor, two kitchens, and so much space it's not even funny. Okay I'm done with my dorkiness, but my co-workers back in Charlotte will be so proud. I also rode a glass elevator in the Westin hotel, but it's not open to the public, so my mom and I had to be sneaky sneaky and act like we were staying there. It was actually really hard to find, but completely worth it since it went really fast and went about 32 stories into the air with nothing around you but glass. It was SWEET.

I love travelling and I love driving and I got to do a lot this past week, so I'm a happy girl. And I got to see my mom, so that was fun.

On another note, Grey's Anatomy starts this evening and I plan on being there with bells on. Or something. I think if you're a fan of the show, you will understand how exciting it is that my cousin (the 9 year old that lives in Santa Monica) goes to school with Isaiah Washington's son and they're in the same grade. I asked Alex if he knew him and he sorta shrugged his shoulders and was like, "oh, _____ (I forget his name, K something) sure! do you like him?" I told him I didn't know him, but Alex apparently is good friends with him. I need to hook that up.

In a related story, my aunt and uncle have a signed copy of a fold-out in People of the cast of Grey's Anatomy and everyone has signed it. If anyone wants it and wants to suggest a price they would pay for it, I will relay the message.


OH
I forgot the most important thing. San Francisco Conservatory. It's amazing and now my #1 school. There's nothing wrong with it. Most schools have at least one minus, but this one doesn't. The location is in the heart of downtown right next to Symphony Hall, the city is amazing, the weather is great, the people are nice, it's a small school, there are plenty of performance opportunities, they don't have a wind ensemble, and one small tiny detail: they just built an $80 million facility that has just opened this year. It's spectacular.

Okay, so there is one minus. San Francisco is very expensive to live in, but hopefully they'll love me enough to give me almost a full ride :)

Sunny skies

The fog has lifted and I'm driving to LA today. A perfect driving day! So I'm going on vacation, I"m boy-less, and soon to be worry free for a good week or so.

Jon Davis had a disturbing away message that gave all the reasons why you shouldn't write in a blog. Mostly it was stuff like "you should have a life, not write about wanting a life". Hmmmm. Or "you need affirmation". Well, that one's true. But I also like to pretend that I'm actually talking to someone and I'm a lot better at writing than talking. So there.

Have a good weekend!

Pet peeves

One of my biggest ones is people not calling when they say they will. However, since I am usually an exceedingly forgiving person (to the point that its sorta bad), I will usually accept just about any excuse when they do get around to calling me. This is not directed at my friends b/c I can talk to them anytime I want and I'm used to being the initiator. This is directed at people that I don't know very well that are still in the stages of "make a good impression on me."

Technology has hated me today. I've called numerous people only to get answering machines, I've gotten on IM for a good minute and attempted to talk to people who have apparently been idle, and my cell phone didn't get a very important text message.

It's just one of those days, I guess.

Good thing I'm going on a semi-vacation tomorrow. I think it'll be good to get out of Santa Barbara for a while.

Spinning is amazing. I'm not talking about going around in a circle until you get dizzy - I'm talking about those crazy people on stationary bikes. I miss it so much and I went to a class today because I had a guest pass. Then I came home and made myself scrambled eggs, kielbasa, and cut up a pear. It was an amazing morning. Let's hope the productivity lasts.

More of a blogger than Megan

Whoa, better watch out Megan. I've been writing a whole lot more than you recently. Boo yah.

I'm really glad that my computer can't give me a count of how many times I go online and check my regular websites (email, blogs, craig's list, and facebook - usually in that order). Today would not have been a happy count. I really need to find something to fill my days because you would think that practicing my tail off would be one of them. But no. I go through weekly phases where I'll practice a lot and it'll get me ready for whatever is coming up and then I slack off. Maybe that's all that I need for a year off, but I'm definitely not reaching my full potential. Yikes, I'm harsh on myself.

I did, however, get a lot of reading done today. The book I'm reading now is one that I think every girl should read no matter where they are in life. Since I know at least someone in every category from never been kissed to newly married, this is the book for them. Girls, go out and buy Real Sex: the naked truth about chastity. Correction, if you're Christian and a girl, go out and buy this. It's exactly what I need at this point in my life, but I think it is good for any point in life, as I've said.

Oops, I could go on but Gilmore Girls calls. Yes! Priorities!

Man, I missed having my own room for two days. Now I'm back in the big queen bed and I have everything at my fingertips. That's all.

Oh, and I have a day off tomorrow, then work for one night and then it's off to explore California!

I really, really, really want to join the YMCA here. I'm going to do a grown-up budget session tomorrow to see if it's feasible because it would be the motivation that I need right now to get in shape.

I'm not sleeping any more

So it's 2 am and I'm still awake. Well mainly it's because if I lie down for a second my entire head becomes congested. Lovely image, I know. Normally I'm the person that just suffers in the dark waiting for sleep to come, but I'm trying the other method that most normal people try which is to stay awake until you're so tired you can't stand it.

I had to give up my room for the weekend b/c the lady that I rent from is putting up her ex-husband in the guest room. This would be a fine arrangement except that I'm 1) sick and 2) sleeping on a blow up matress that basically would fit a midget. Sorry to be politically incorrect, but it's true. My sleep is broken at best on this stupid thing. Thankfully it's only for two nights, so I get the real bed back tomorrow.

I just finished Memoirs of a Geisha, the book and then almost immediately watched the movie. I had started the movie two weeks ago when I hadn't read the book and couldn't get through it, but after reading the book, I see that it was really well done and exquisitely directed and shot.

Tonight I met up with one of my former roommates for dinner and fun activities and I had exactly what I wanted for dinner. We're not talking close enough - it was exactly what I had been craving. For those who know me best, this is something to be celebrated. (Just so you know, it was chicken with sun-dried tomatoes and artichokes in a rosemary cream sauce on spinach fettucine). Later I went to go hear one of my friends play the flute in an Irish pub. The whole band sounded great and I wish I could have stayed there all night. One of the things that I love about Santa Barbara is that there is always something fun to do and usually it's cultural, artistic, or has something to do with the beach. *Sigh* I'm not sure I want to leave....

This has been the month for travel and I'm leaving this week for LA and San Fransisco. I'm actually excited about visiting my mom up north, but I really wish I didn't have to go to LA to babysit my cousin. I certainly owe it to my uncle and aunt who have been doing everything to make me feel more at home in California, but I'm missing some major work nights and I'll pay for it (literally) later. Thankfully, I won't be leaving Santa Barbara again for another two months when I get back, so I'll be able to work my little tail off.

Ooh, I found a new pasttime I think. Malca (the lady I rent from) took me to her country club for lack of a better word today. We did laps in the pool and then sat in the steam room. It was so refreshing! I haven't been swimming in so long - my legs were really burning, but it's such a greta form of exercise. So I think I'm going to join the local Y and do swimming and spinning. I miss being in shape and have been trying, but I think I need more of a strict regiment.

Well, I'm not tired, but I think I need to end this post anyway. It's gotten a bit long.

question mark

Right now I'm not sure about a whole lot of things; where I stand spiritually, where the heck my morals have gone, and who I'm becoming. But after a long conversation, I know that God is showing His love for me through my friends. You truly are just an extension of my family by being the ones that I can turn to.

I'm a mess. Talking things over with a best friend helps so much and I always forget that until I get up the nerve to expose myself and all my flaws. But no one's perfect and I think I come to some of my best conclusions and decisions after being reassured that I'm not spiralling out of control like I sometimes feel.

I should have my own cooking show

Or something like that. I'm so excited about having my own kitchen that I went a little crazy when I went shopping yesterday. But, I have successfully made several dishes that required more than a microwave or a quick saute.

Since last night I have made Oreo pudding, jumbalaya with cornbread, and pizza. Okay, so the pizza doesn't count but the others I have actually had to use a mixing bowl and a knife to prepare. This is a big step from how I've been spending time in the kitchen for the past two months. Now I'm actually cooking like a single adult! I was so proud of myself when the cornbread came out perfectly and tasted divine.

On top of this delicious new change in my life, today has been a fabulous flute day and I sound like a orchestra diva in my room because the acoustics are amazing. On second thought, maybe I should practice in another room to make myself work harder and then use this room as a reward.

Let's hope that later today my luck doesn't change because right now I'm playing the "I can wait another day even though my gas tank is on empty" game. With my new car, I haven't learned how far I can push it. I think that I should probably not push my luck and just stop at the next gas station I find. Okay, well off to work!

I have officially moved into my new place and am already feeling really good about it. I have my own kitchen (!) that as of right now, I don't have to share with anyone. It's sorta sad to not be around any roommates, but I think I need this alone time.

For every down side to my new living situation, there's an equally good side. I'm not near any of the people that I've met over the past couple months, but I'm a 3 minute drive from work. I don't have a bike any more, but I have a car. I have to spend more money on groceries and gas, but I'm not paying nearly as much as I will when I move to my more permanent apartment. And, I have internet!!! I don't have things to do late into the night, but that means that I'll probably get a better sleeping schedule and be able to get up and run in the mornings.

I really want to go join a gym. But I need to do a budget first because I have convinced myself that I can spend a whole lot more money than I actually can.

On the boy front, I've finally found someone who I connect with emotionally and physically and who I can be myself around. Most of the other guys that I've met I haven't really cared if I see them again, but with him I do care. That's probably the reason that after we had a really great night together, he hasn't talked to me in two days even though I know we had a great time. Well, what's life without a little relationship drama?

I think I get to lay low for about a week and a half and get more comfortable with my new place and then it's off to San Fransisco and LA for a week. Should be fun, but I'm looking forward to October when I have absolutely no plans of going anywhere. I can just stay here and practice and make money. Woohoo.

I love travelling

But I also love getting back to the place that I live and catching up on everything that has accumulated over the past few days. I love reading 20 emails instead of checking every day and only getting a couple good ones. I love going grocery shopping. Heck, I'm even slightly excited about packing today and moving tomorrow. Note, however, that I am blogging before I face that daunting task and before I attempt to practice after many days off.

I want more of my friends to get married. This is simply because weddings are so much fun and you get treated like royalty even if you're not the bride. It's a time of celebration and joviality and a little bit of stress just to keep it realistic.

Colleen's wedding was beautiful, classy, and fun. It was the best wedding that I've been to to date. I was so relaxed the entire time except when I had to play for the service and I was horribly out of tune - not good when a majority of the bridal party are musicians. I got a manicure, which besides a pedicure is one of my favorite pasttimes and I wish I had the money to get one every couple weeks because I totally would. I also just got to meet lots of really sweet people and see what it's like to have a huge family with relations everywhere. Too bad I'm not the one getting married into either family because now I know everyone and I probably won't see any of them ever again. Oh well, it was still great getting to know these amazing families.

I also got to act as a bridesmaid and was there for Colleen's last night as a single woman in which we got smashed and laughed for an hour about a washcloth in the toilet. Yup, it was one of those nights. It was so nice to see everyone having such a good time the entire weekend and Colleen was the opposite of a bridezilla - she just went with the flow and sometimes took the lead when a decision had to be made.

There were several sad stories accompanying such a great weekend and they all had to do with the stupidity that is airport security. On my way out, I had just gotten off of work the day before and gone straight to the train station, so I packed my apron with my other belongings. When my suitcase was scanned in the xray machine, they saw my wine opener and because I had already checked a bag and didn't want to go through it all over again, I had to surrender it. Grr! I paid good money for that stupid corkscrew. On my way back, I had just bought a bottle of water and was unscrewing it when I got in line for the security scanners. The guy in charge looked at my bottle and told me that I would have to throw it out. I know the rule about liquids, but I figured since it was extremely obvious that I had just bought it, I could get away with it. Wrong. I had to leave the line, down my refreshingly cold H2O and get back in line sans water bottle. Grr times two.

Well, I get to go travel some more in a couple weeks when I visit my mom in San Fransisco. Besides that, I'm hoping to make some more money at the restaurant and get settled into my new place. Life is good!