This is not going to be a happy post.

I didn't get into the orchestra that I auditioned for last night - I just thought I would put that out there first so that I don't have to call you all and let you know about my latest rejection.

I'm currently in a very small wallowing stage which will be followed by a large "I need to get my life back together" stage. This was a really good wake up call on nerves, who and what I am playing for, and what my goal ultimately is. I was READY for this audition. I rocked my mock audition. Then what happened when I saw the 20 other people that were good? I balked. I thought 'I'm not good enough for this.' And then I screwed up my audition.

I didn't realize how much I had riding on this. And this is also why I shouldn't tell so many gosh darn people about my big auditions because now I have a lot of people to tell that I didn't get in. And I love that that's what I focus on - not all the lessons that I need to learn from this and what I can do better next time - no I still think about what others think of me even after I freak out at the audition over what others think of me.

The sucky part is that this has nothing to do with my playing. I'm a good flutist and I'm not ashamed to say it. I could have gotten into that orchestra. But mentally I screwed up. And that's not something you can prepare for every day because it's a completely foreign setting until you're in it and then you have 1 minute to prove yourself.

How fitting that my rejection from grad school is what turned me away from God for a while and now my incredibly similar rejection is pushing me to go back. I think it's the security and the knowledge that not everything rests on my shoulders. Sometimes I think that even if I didn't think that God existed I would still need faith of some kind so that I didn't feel like I was doing this all on my own.