I know, what is the world coming to that I blog twice in one day, almost immediately after one another.
But I remembered a funny story from yesterday.
I had a lunch date and we were sitting outside because it was a beautiful afternoon, somewhat off to the side of the patio. We were having fun just talking and suddenly I realize that it's been about 10 minutes since we sat down and we don't even have menus. So our waitress finally comes up and apologizes profusely, but we tell her it's no big deal. I honestly didn't even notice, even though my stomach did. The rest of the meal goes fine, maybe a little slow service but it was a nice day and the restaurant was busy. (Can I just say, beer from a brewhouse in the middle of the day? With a cute boy? Perfect.)
Later that night my roommate invited me over to her friend's house for dinner (2 free meals in one day? Also magnificent) and who do I meet but my waitress from lunch. She said she was really sorry about the service but that my boyfriend was a really good tipper. I replied, 'Well we both work in the restaurant industry, so even when our waitress sucks, we still like to tip well.' Haha, no I didn't really say that. I said something like, 'Oh, he's not my boyfriend, but I wish he was.'
Today is most likely the last normal day that I'll have here in Santa Barbara. So much is happening in the next week and few days that I haven't really had time (or haven't wanted to) to think about what changes are going to happen.
I can't move my furniture up to San Francisco, so it all has to get sold/given away. However, the catch is that as of Thursday I'm basically going to be across town and busy all day for four days straight and when my program ends, I'm supposed to be moved out of my room. So, I almost have to be moved out of my room as of Thursday, only not really.
To add to this, I have a girl coming to stay with me for the length of the program because she doesn't want to spend money on a hotel. Fair enough, but things are going to get craaaaazy.
I hate moving. I love living in new cities and making new friends, but it sucks to leave your friends behind and a place that you've grown to love.
It's true. I bought a Justin Timberlake CD. I can admit it to the online world and I proudly (well while laughing and blushing) tell people of my recent purchase. I can't help it if his music is so dang catchy! And I know you know what I'm talking about because Megan is the first person I think of when I hear the lyrics "gonna getcha nekked by the end of this song."
In other news, I went back to Ann Taylor. I couldn't take the not working thing. I was going crazy. Plus I made another purchase, so I needed to have the money for it somehow. I'm awful - I told my co-workers that if I bought anything else there they were allowed to slap me. I'm serious. No more shopping!!
I went to a flute masterclass this afternoon that my teacher up in San Francisco was giving. The funniest part was when I went up to go say hi to him and it took us about 40 seconds before he could figure out who I was. Finally I was like, 'um, I'm going to be your student next year??' and then he connected the two in his mind. I don't blame him - I totally didn't expect him to remember me when he saw 50 some auditionees for 15 minutes each in one day. He probably knows my name better than my face. But it was still funny. I felt quite insignificant and special at the same time.
Random story: I went out with my roommate and her friend from MAC, Natalie. Natalie pointed out the bartender at a bar we were at, saying that she had just started dating him. The best part is that they dated for 4 years before splitting up about 6 years ago. He had proposed to her when they were in their early 20's and she wasn't ready to get married. Then they separated and thought that was that. Now 6 years later (and in a different city) they're back together! It totally gives me perspective on the fact that you never know what will happen in the future and who will come back into your life. Crazy.
It was amazing how quickly my mood changed the second I entered Santa Barbara. When I was home this week, I was lazy and proud of it. But when I caught a whiff of that sea breeze, I was ready for action. I haven't really stopped moving since.
The weather has been so perfect here - sunny and warm, without being overwhelmingly humid (cough cough Charlotte). I've just enjoyed walking around downtown with nothing to do but enjoying the afternoon. When I was done unpacking, I just took a stroll and ran a couple of errands but felt like I had had two cups of coffee, I was so energized. A natural caffeine - I guess that's what living in California does to me.
Today I went to an Afro-Brazilian dance class, went grocery shopping, washed my car, practiced, and am going to a photography show opening and then on to a cycling class. I think this whole no working thing will get old in about 2 weeks. Good thing I'm basically leaving then. My week is filling up with birthday parties, events, and shows and I'm glad because I love being busy.
I don't understand boys. I'm getting the weirdest mixed messages and I just can't decide what to do. But I'm standing my ground and not making the first move because I think I've made myself obvious enough. Another good reason I've been so busy.
Well, my family and birthday have both come and gone and now after having 4 days off in a week, I'm in denial about this whole 'job' thing.
I got into Ann Taylor today to find out I'm working 22 hours next week along with my restaurant for the next four days, which means I have a 2 hour break every day during a 12 or 13 hour day. Plus our restaurant is closing, which means glassware is disappearing, we're short-staffed, and loads of people are coming in wanting to hear the whole story, which takes a while to tell and is getting quite old. I'm already burned out and I haven't gotten through my first day back yet.
I sat down to lunch today with a glass of wine and then realized 'I look like an alcoholic.' Plus it turned out I really just wanted food, not alcohol, so I poured it back into the bottle. Wine at 3:00 in the afternoon.... hmmm.
I love my birthday cards, Christa. They'll stay up on my wall for quite a long time ;) I had so much fun that day and realized that I actually do have friends here that are willing to do a lot to hang out with me. Everyone that I invited to a nice dinner showed up even though it was expensive and I had 5 good friends to share a memorable evening with. Looking out my window the next day, it hit me that I'm really going to miss Santa Barbara and this year that I've had. Not having school to worry about, having the perfect job and apartment, growing musically and emotionally, and living so darn near the beach have made this year a time I won't forget.
Sigh, okay off I go again to get ready for work.
I recently went on iTunes and discovered that I had some extra money to buy songs and promptly got "Into the Ocean" by Blue October. It's actually a depressing song if you take it literally - about someone that commits suicide by drowning himself, but it's got a great beat. Anyway, I've been jamming to it every day.
So, I really didn't want to do anything big for my birthday, and I finally decided the perfect activity ; a hike. There's one called 7 Falls around here that isn't too strenuous, but has some miniature rock climbing and stream jumping involved and is supposed to have some spectacular views. And it's outdoors and something that most people like to do. And it's a great alternative to doing something boring like going to a club, or eating at a fancy restaurant. So I'm excited. I just wonder how big a group is too big, but I figure if 10 people tell me they're coming, then 5 of them probably will, which is a perfect size.
I've finally been socializing a little and got to go out with my friend Amity last night and have a ginger mojito (mmmm) at this little tapas bar near work and then I went shopping with my new friend Bonnie today and got the cutest patent leather pumps that are good for going out as well as concert wear. Not to mention I got them at Payless for $20. Score.
Life is good, and my aunt, uncle, and cousin are coming up in two days! I'm really ready for some family time...
I saved a baby bird today. Okay, it was a pigeon and most people think that pigeons are equal to rats or something, but it was cute and helpless. I drove it to a wild animal shelter that said they would do everything they could to help it. So, voila my good deed for the day.
I had a conversation with a couple from Spain in 3 languages tonight. I'm starting to have the confidence to speak to people in public in Spanish, but man it was rough. Then they found out I spoke French and when neither of us could think of a word, we said it in English. Somehow, we still had an intelligent conversation, but my brain hurt when I left the table.
Speaking of Spanish, I talked with my Spanish roommate about Latin guys and the difference in dating in their culture. Basically she was saying that guys like to be chased. There was more substance to our discussion, but that was the bottom line. And let me just say, I'm so sick of being the one that initiates. Seriously. Can I please have someone calling me and asking me out instead of vice versa?
I'm not sure I believe in good and bad energy, but I do believe that moods get passed on from one person to another very easily and that bad feelings can be felt almost physically. I've gotten to the point with someone in my restaurant that I physically get sick being around them and we have a very tangible dislike. I've tried so hard to think positively, but it's really hard when you have so many bad feelings towards each other and a bad history to boot. As sad as I am that I won't have a steady job in a few weeks, it's almost worth it to get away from him. Awful, isn't it? I wish that things hadn't turned out that way...
I used my first Spanish pick-up line today. With much giggling.
I've been avoiding practicing recently and I'm not sure why, but I think mostly this weather has me feeling sluggish and I'm sort of in a slump since I haven't had my studio class in a few weeks due to cancellations, etc. Today was not just nice; it was hot, and almost muggy like North Carolina. I didn't even want to work out on the patio because I was sweating profusely under my long black uniform. It was too hot to go to the beach!
So I stayed in and watched Garden State instead. Now I remember why I own it - it's just such a quality movie, mainly because Natalie Portman is so awkward sometimes and profound at others and I relate to that. Or, at least I relate to the awkwardness and hope that I'm sometimes profound. Plus the characters are so deep and real and yet you don't need all kinds of background to know what they've gone through. It's just really really well-written.
My Spanish is coming along quite nicely and I've been complimented by both Alex (Colombian boy) and my roommate, Sylvia (from Seville). I mean, obviously I still talk like I'm 6 years old, but at least I can get my point across sometimes without reverting back to English. That's certainly a whole lot more than I could do when I got to California. I'm just impressed with myself for the initiation of such a task and such semi-dedication to following through with teaching myself. It certainly helps to have so many native speakers around.
Mother's Day is Sunday. I'm such a good daughter - I already got my card in the mail :) Alas, a card and a sweet note are all my Mom is going to get this year. Cheap, but heartfelt, and the beautiful thing about mothers is that love is generally all they want anyway.
I have only slept on the beach a select few times in my life, and I have to say that while each time I'm fairly miserable that night, I love the memory of such a random activity.
Last night I went out after working 7 hours at the restaurant to go salsa dancing with a girl from work and our busboy who happens to be from Columbia. Okay, let me clarify. He happens to be a hot Columbian boy that has beautiful long curly hair and a voice to die for. Lucky me. Then after leaving the club at some ungodly hour, we decided that we still weren't tired and so headed to the beach (not exactly three hours away like in NC) and stayed up talking until we fell asleep.
As an aside, my friend Amity that was the girl with us, lent me her Uggs. I'm a convert. I want some right now.
So even though I got absolutely no sleep except for the hour and a half that I got this morning in my own bed, I'm still thoroughly happy with my evening. However, I'm going to need the largest cup of coffee in the world to get me through this shift today.
For the past couple of weeks, I've had so much going on and so many big things to decide, that I've been stressed out every single day. But somehow, starting this week, I feel like I should be worried but there's nothing wrong. I have a cat on my lap, I worked all day, my car is running fine, and I can't do anything about moving at this particular moment.
I also find that I only blog when I have been drinking or am severely tired...
The former is true tonight, and it shows in my lack of posts in April that I rarely drink now. When I do, it's more like I got a free bottle of wine from work and need to drink it before it goes bad. Or I'm out celebrating.
Speaking of celebrating, May is my birthday month! I love May! May is Amy anagrammed. May is the month of Gemini and twins! May is graduation month and it's officially been a year since I've been in school. Weird... May is the beginning of summer, the end of spring, and a relaxing time. June is when things start to heat up, literally and figuratively. I've got a good feeling about May.
Oh, and I got a call from Geico today saying that my car insurance went down $100. That little gecko rocks!! It was like an early birthday present or something.
Hm, I guess that's all I have to say. My work week is just getting into full swing today and will not end until Sunday or Monday, but I've got a good schedule ahead of me. I'm hoping this month will fly by because I'm sooooo excited about being home for a week or so. I miss Charlotte and I miss Chapel Hill. I'm not sure if I'll get to visit CH, but I was just talking with my roommates about Franklin St. and Carrboro and all the great restaurants. And I watched Patch Adams last night and wanted so badly to see campus again for just a day.
Some percussionist from Cleveland friended me the other day and he knows two of my friends from high school, grew up in Raleigh, and is going to SFCM next year. Man, this world is small.
I am so excited to be moving to a new place that I can't stop thinking about it 24/7. I talk about San Francisco, I look it up online, I have planned out what restaurant I want to work in, and I am looking at beds and rooms to share on craigslist about 5 times a day. I have two more months... what is wrong with me??
The answer is that I'm so excited that i just can't contain it, but it's super frustrating when I'm not there to look at the housing or walk from block to block dropping my resume at super nice restaurants.
I got a new printer today as an early birthday gift from my parents. I'm stoked! I've been talking to it all night. Okay, not really, but I've been complimenting it on its beauty and its spectacular job of printing. Maybe I need to get out more.
My day off was amazing: got my car back from being fixed without having to pay anything, walked on the beach for an hour, bought my printer, got free Starbucks, watched a movie, and stayed up way later than I should have.
On a serious note: It just hit me how incredibly lucky I am to be going to grad school. I went to a perfect undergraduate school that was nearby and in-state and basically worry-free for me and my parents. Now I'm going to the school of my dreams and I'm still able to go. It's not like I got in and my parents said, 'Sorry, it's too expensive.' They just said, okay, we'll support you the whole way. So really I'm grateful that I get to go, but also that I have such amazing parents that have been there the whole time for me. Not everyone can say that and I'm so thankful that God has provided so much for me and given me the insight to really appreciate what I do have.
On a lighter note: Two groups on facebook that made me laugh out loud:
1.I Get Excited When My Blinkers in the Car are in Tempo with the Song I'm Listening To
2. You Know You're Screwed when the Paper Clip in Microsoft Word Starts Yawning.
Either one is keeping me up right now when I've already gone through two days of 10 hour shifts. I go to work at Ann Taylor and run around and then I get a 2 hour break and I run around the restaurant for another 6 or 7 hours. It's lots of fun.
My manager at the restaurant not only has the best memory of anyone I know, she's also incredibly perceptive. She took one look at me this afternoon and said, 'I'm sending you home early. You're exhausted.' And I was. But then one of my kind co-workers brought me an iced coffee. And I lasted 6 more hours. And now I'm sitting in bed at midnight, after furiously cleaning my room when I got home at 11:30, and I can't sleep. Oh, I'm sure it'll hit me in about 10 minutes.
And now for random musings:
-If anyone knows of any good scholarships for musicians, graduate students, or poor people, please let me know. Because I will be all three in about 4 months. Sadly, a lot of the deadlines have already passed and I've filled out so many gosh-darn applications already this year I'm dreading having to do more, plus write even more essays when I'm not even in school. But for a couple thousand dollars? I'll make myself.
-I love my new car. Except when gas is $3.33 a gallon. Then I love my car and hate California. Except I really don't hate California, just the gas prices in California. I've heard it might go up to over $4 by the summer!! eek!!!
-I ate a lot of desserts today because we had a dessert buffet at work. Now my stomach hates me and I had to repeatedly tell myself out loud that just because there were plates in the back full of sweet things, didn't mean that I had to eat them. It was quite the struggle.
I'm not currently doing laundry, but have needed to for the past week or so. Grooooosssss.
Actually, laundry is just one of the things on my long list of stuff to do in the next, oh, four months. I couldn't sleep last night until I had made a timeline for myself of everything that needs to get done before and right when I move to San Francisco. What with moving to one of the most expensive places to live, it's easy to get a little nervous. But then I look out my window, and see the gorgeous view that I have, and I realize that I've been looked after pretty well.
We all have that routine of websites that we go through every time we're online. Lately, I've been going to www.sfcm.edu every five minutes. Well, that's an exaggeration, but you should take a look at where I'm going next year! :D
Wow - it's been a long time since I've posted.
Well, I'll start with the 3 wishes game. I would wish for:
1. the ability to speak 4 languages fluently
2. stable religious beliefs that displayed themselves in the way I live my life
3. a gold flute
I've been going non-stop for the past week or so with my jobs and trying to buy a car (ah, being an adult yet again). The bottom line is that I bought a car - a really cute '97 Volvo - and then went on a Christian Science spiritual seminar weekend that has put everything in my life in perspective.
I'm being really cautious about getting on an emotional high and then falling really fast, so I'm trying to let what I learned from this weekend just make subtle changes in my life, ones that last. I was feeling so disconnected from God for the past year that being in a place with people that not only love God a lot, but they're incredibly dedicated to a religion that, to me, requires a lot of strength and conviction that I almost pushed away from them too. I might not have stood up and told everyone what good the conference had done for me, but I did it in my own way and I think that each person has a different way of reacting to spiritual growth. My journey is just beginning again and I'm not ready to share it with the world - haha except for my blog I guess.
In conclusion: good weekend, have a car (need car insurance), must practice a lot, still haven't gotten acceptance letter (what is taking so long???? did they change their mind??), and generally feeling good about life despite the stress I should be feeling.
A plus, Later, and Hasta luego.
Echoing Megan....
I have something big to celebrate.
I got into my dream school, the San Francisco Conservatory. I just found out this afternoon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's all I really can say about the whole thing. It's just now setting in that something that I've worked for for two years has actually come true. And I'll be living in San Francisco. How much cooler can life get right now?
I'm tired, elated, amazed at how much makeup costs (I shopped at MAC between my 15 hour work day), and completely awe-struck at the huge thing that has just happened to me. More later.
Wow, it's amazing what a few hours to myself will do to clear up a bad mood. I was on the verge of a breakdown yesterday and have been crying every day for a solid week and was about to be pushed over the edge, but I got off work, modeled for a photo shoot, won a contest, ate out, and took a bath. Then I finished off a pint of ice cream. It was probably the best few hours that I've had in quite a while.
Today everything is going sooo much better and I'm excited about all the new stuff we have at AT that I can buy for concert wear. I figure this stuff that I'm getting now will last me a long time. And black can be worn anywhere...
I gave the car away yesterday and am fortunately borrowing my roommate's or I would be going crazy. Life is going on and there are a lot of decisions to be made, but I'm just taking it one hour at a time now.
I found out a couple of days ago that my restaurant is closing down in May and I'm not sure where I'm gonna go from there or when I'm going to need to search for a new job - I'd like to stay until the final day, but three jobs at once would be quite a lot to handle. However, there's a really really nice French restaurant called Bouchon that I feel would be perfect for me. French customers? No problem! I'll just bust out the rusty second language! I would be in seventh heaven.
Well, not all of life's problems are solved. But, I've started reading a book called Eat, Love, Pray by Elisabeth Gibson and it's really really good. In fact, I want her life. Or something close to it. Without all of the divorce and love affairs. Okay, so really I just want to travel like she does in the book.
I just went and spent a load of money on clothes at Ann Taylor because I have a discount there and somehow that makes it okay to buy more than I normally would... which is just lousy reasoning, but there you have it. Plus, I had a birthday party to go to tonight. That's two good reasons. bah- whatever.
It is getting warmer here in California and soon I will have to make big adult decisions like do I want to buy or lease a car and which insurance company do I want to go with. I also just got a credit card (with Ann Taylor) and it's been hard to keep myself from just swiping that little piece of plastic. Fortunately, I think I've been trained well enough to only spend what I have or what I know I will have when the bill comes.
I really need to go practice.
Today the gloominess of the weather is reflecting how I feel about this month and how dazed I feel.
Two random events have taken the lives of two other people that I am somehow connected to.
The first, Chiara Levin, was a girl that I studied abroad in France with just two years ago. She was stunningly beautiful and had it all going for her. She was trilingual and could be friends with anybody. I wasn't close to her, but there were many in my group that were. She was in Boston visiting family and friends and was caught in the cross-fire of gang-related violence. She was in the most dangerous part of town and with two guy friends as well as two that she had just met that night. Stupid, to put yourself in that situation? Sure. But do we all do it at one time or another? Of course. We never think that the outcome will be sudden death.
The second is Jason Ray, the guy that sported the costume of Ramses for UNC basketball games. I didn't know him, but I saw him around campus and in Intervarsity, and again know people that knew him quite well. Hit off the side of the highway. Freak accident. And who knows when it can happen again?
Both of these young people's families are devastated and will have their lives altered forever. And they were both my age. Sorta puts a whole new perspective on life and the people that I care about. I'm protected now from feeling the misery that their friends must feel, but for how long? And is it useful to even wonder about things like this, or do I praise God that I am living and dwell on that fact instead?
All of this, plus still dealing with Ross being gone has put me in a very introspective, gloomy mood. And that no one picks up the phone any more so I don't have anyone to talk to about it.
... is pretty much all I'm feeling this week.
Issues with my car haven't been resolved, but I found one really nice place that is willing to do some stuff without much money involved.
I've heard from both USC and San Fran. and have been placed on both of their wait lists. I shouldn't despair, because a wait list is infinitely better than an outright rejection, but geez couldn't I get an acceptance letter for once in my life???!? Seriously. I honestly don't think that's too much to ask, but apparently it is.
USC I don't really think will pan out and SF I'll just have to wait and see. I'm #1 on San Fran's list and anything could happen, in addition to nothing. Sooooo basically, there isn't any end to the waiting until July, theoretically.
I have to keep reminding myself that I have an excellent option here, I could get paid to go to school, and that there are worse places to live than Santa Barbara. But that doesn't help the initial pang of hurt I feel when I feel like I've been rejected for the second time, only this time I'm so close that everyone thinks I almost could have gotten in. Almost is so much worse than straight out rejection, and yet so completely helpful in reaffirming the fact that I do belong in the world of music despite how much I've had to struggle. I swing intermittenly between deep feelings of shattered pride and intense hope that all is not lost and that I still have a lot to offer.
Well, I haven't heard from my last school, but I honestly didn't think it went well, so I'm not expecting much. Oh Eastman, why must you always be my last hope??
Despite the fact that I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning (let me say, that is the earliest I've had to get up in a looooong time), I can't sleep. Wow, I just realized the song I'm listening to is "Sleeping In" by the Postal Service.
Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in...
How depressingly ironic.
I think I just have a lot on my mind, so I thought I would use this as a dumping spot. Blogs seem to be much less of a focus among me and my friends recently, so this is merely a way for me to vent, I suppose.
Random thoughts in no particular order:
- I just got word from my top choice school, San Francisco Conservatory that I'm 1st on the waiting list. To be 4th out of 50-some people is an achievement and I'm super happy that it's not an outright rejection. However, I'm so close that it's almost worse. Now I have to be in more suspense because you never know who's going to accept the spot and who's not. But, I'm next should one of the three decide not to go there! I'm pulled in all directions patience, impatience, contentment, and disappointment. But honestly, everything's so up in the air that the bad feelings don't last long and it's usually the patience and contentment that win out.
- I have to work from 8 to 12 tomorrow in the morning. Then I have the whole day free. It's gonna be really weird. Oh, and this whole two job thing is getting old quickly.
- I'm super stressed about giving my car back in two weeks and getting estimates to get the dent I made in it fixed. Anything in Cali is expensive, and cars even more so, and that's what worries me. I'm getting a full check-up done on it tomorrow, so at least I have one good point going for me before they get back. Plus, I'm of course going to get a car wash and clean it all out. Still, the dent and the fact that I have no idea what I'm going to do once I give it back on April 1 are gnawing at me. Living here almost requires the use of a car, despite all of the walking that I've been doing recently.
- I just finished A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and loved it. Now I'm steadily working on Mansfield Park and am slightly depressed at how similar Fanny and I seem to be in several respects. Although I'm nowhere near as self-conscious or shy as she. But I'm definitely involved in the story after days of reading one or two chapters and managed to read about 150 pages in one sitting and tore myself away only because I thought I was tired. Now I'm holding off because I want something to do when I'm waiting for my car tomorrow.
- I've become that 'guy' that watches the television in our bar at work every five minutes to check up on the basketball game. In fact, I was worse than most of the guys that I work with. With this whole having a bracket thing, I've become helplessly competitive against both myself and the world of Facebook. I'm actually doing pretty well, if I do say so myself. I haven't lost hope that my boys will make it to the championship, but I am completely bummed that I'm working the night that they play USC and since the west coast is behind, it's prime dinner time when they start playing. boooooo.